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Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by wabryan1, Dec 1, 2009.

  1. wabryan1

    wabryan1 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2008
    Messages:
    41
    Location:
    Western Colorado
    >Things are a little tougher in Texas


    >: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    >cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    >happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
    >to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
    >other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
    >spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
    >tasting, so I accepted".
    >
    >Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
    >
    >CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
    >
    >Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    >
    >Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    >
    >Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    >remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    >flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    >
    >CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
    >
    >Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    >
    >Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    >seriously.
    >
    >Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
    >I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    >wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    >when they saw the look on my face.
    >
    >CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
    >
    >Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    >
    >Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    >
    >Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    >like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
    >me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
    >backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from
    >all of the beer.
    >
    >CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
    >
    >Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    >
    >Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    >other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    >
    >Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
    >to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
    >maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is
    >starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
    >an aphrodisiac?
    >
    >CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
    >
    >Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    >considerable kick. Very impressive.
    >
    >Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    >admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    >
    >Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
    >can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    >paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    >chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
    >pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
    >lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
    >stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
    >
    >CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
    >
    >Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    >spices and peppers.
    >
    >Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    >garlic. Superb.
    >
    >Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    >sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
    >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
    >that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
    >snow cone.
    >
    >CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
    >
    >Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    >
    >Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    >chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
    >about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    >uncontrollably.
    >
    >Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    >wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    >like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
    >slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
    >shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
    >decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
    >any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
    >4-inch hole in my stomach.
    >
    >CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
    >
    >
    >Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    >bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    >
    >Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    >nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
    >passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
    >Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
    >reacted to really hot chili?
    >
    >Judge # 3 – No report
    >---------------------------------
  2. Lori Mick

    Lori Mick New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2008
    Messages:
    2,374
    Location:
    Stuck in Upstate NY for a while
  3. guns4life

    guns4life New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2009
    Messages:
    281
    Location:
    south carolina
    LMAO MY SIDES HURT OMG
  4. DoesItMatter

    DoesItMatter New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2008
    Messages:
    109
    Location:
    Pacific NorthWest
    Never gets old!

    And never fails to make me hungry for some spicy chili!
  5. Nighthawk

    Nighthawk New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2006
    Messages:
    3,330
    Location:
    South Central Texas
    Yeah always funny :D:D:D:D:D