We're all gonna be there one day

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by petesusn, Feb 23, 2010.

  1. petesusn

    petesusn New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2009
    Messages:
    614
    Location:
    San Joaquin Valley, Ca.
    Garage Door

    The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

    As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

    He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
    She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

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    An elderly gentleman....
    Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
    The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

    I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

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    Two elderly gentlemenfrom a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
    Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
    'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
    'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

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    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
    The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
    The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
    You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
    'Do you mean a rose?'

    'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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    Hospital regulationsrequire a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
    After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
    On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
    'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

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    Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
    'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
    'Sure..'
    'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
    'No, I can remember it.'
    'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
    He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
    'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
    Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment..
    'Where's my toast ?'

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    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
    'So I hear you're getting married?'
    'Yep!'
    'Do I know her?'
    'Nope!'
    'This woman, is she good looking?'
    'Not really.'
    'Is she a good cook?'
    'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
    'Does she have lots of money?'
    'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
    'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
    'I don't know.'
    'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
    'Because she can still drive!'

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    Three old guys are out walking.
    First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
    Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
    Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

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    A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
    'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
    'Twelve thirty..'

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    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
    Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
    The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

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    One more. .!
    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
    The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
    'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
  2. Old Grump

    Old Grump New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2010
    Messages:
    2,320
    Location:
    Little hut in the woods near Blue River Wisconsin
    You knew I was going to read that didn't you?

    Checked my garage door, either I'm wearing sweat pants or they are on backwards again. Nope, no belt loops, they must be sweat pants.
  3. Double Deuce

    Double Deuce New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2009
    Messages:
    313
    Location:
    Utah
    Three old men are sitting on the porch at the retirement center talking like old men do, the first one says
    "Last night I got up to pee 5 times"
    the second one says
    "Thats nothin I havent pooped in 9 days"
    the third one just grumbled and said
    "Every mornin 7 am I pee, Every mornin 7am I poop...."
    THe other two looked at him and asked "Whats so bad about that?"
    He replied
    "I don't wake up until 8"
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