What every man needs to know about colonoscopies

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by Insulation Tim, Dec 14, 2011.

  1. Insulation Tim

    Insulation Tim Well-Known Member Supporting Member

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    THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.


    Colonoscopy Journal:
    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies...

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurts. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
    1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

    5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

    And the best one of all:
    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
  2. jstgsn

    jstgsn Well-Known Member

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    Getting ready for one next week. woohoo. Five years ago I had one and when I came out, he's right, you are woozy and not sure what happened, but basically in a cheerful mood.

    The doctor was standing there and said;

    "We didn't find a single problem."

    I had my wife, the doctor, and two nurses break up when I looked at my wife with a serious face and said;

    " See! I told you I was a perfect ass hole."

    The wife still laughs about it. I don't really remember it.
  3. raven818

    raven818 Well-Known Member Supporting Member

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    Here, I had to drink " GoLitely ". How's that for a misnamed product.

    For anybody going to have to have their first, it is NOT necessary to drink all of it. Just keep checking, you'll know when you've had enough. EEEEwwwww. Where is this thread going?
  4. Brisk44

    Brisk44 New Member

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    I don't believe I ever want to find out.
  5. rcairflr

    rcairflr Well-Known Member

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    Good post. Everyone should get a colonoscopy before or at the age of 50. Colon cancer is no way to die. I had my first 3 years ago and my wife had hers this year. They found 11 pollups in my wife which they removed and did not find any cancer. So she gets to do it again next year.
  6. Gun Geezer

    Gun Geezer Well-Known Member

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    The "Milk of Amnesia" is great stuff. I faded to black instantly, remember nothing and woke with absolutely no after effects, yet the Doc. told me I was awake and responsive thru out the procedure. The prep is definitely the worst part.
  7. Insulation Tim

    Insulation Tim Well-Known Member Supporting Member

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    I'm 64 and having been putting this off forever. This year is the year. I'm only 15 years late but they always said that Cincinnati is 20 years behind the rest of the world.
  8. todd51

    todd51 Well-Known Member Supporting Member

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    Just had my forth one last Thursday (I know I am old and you get one every five years). The doctor suggested a new "prep" - "laxative" called Suprep when I told him the problems I have with the volume of the others, he even gave me a free sample. This Suprep is way, way, less volume and maybe just a we bit more palatable. The anesthesiologist used Propofol (Michale Jackson) and I didn't know a thing till it was over with. Easiest one so far. The anesthesiologist is interested in guns and my be joining the Old Guys for some shooting when the weather warms.
  9. geds

    geds New Member

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    Dave Barry is great - and he sums it up nicely! Good luck on your experience. I strongly recommend that once you've downed the drink, have something to read in the bathroom and don't plan on going more than a few steps from it! When the urge hits (and I do mean hits), you only have a few steps worth of time - maybe not even that long!

    The procedure is embarrassing getting ready, out while it happens, and relieving when it is over - its just the prep that is awful!
  10. todd51

    todd51 Well-Known Member Supporting Member

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    After taking the prepDO NOT COUGH ! ! !
  11. rcairflr

    rcairflr Well-Known Member

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    Not smart waiting till 64, I hope all goes well. It is an easy procedure as others above have mentioned and not worth the risk waiting.
  12. Fast Forward

    Fast Forward Member

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    The Crap they make you drink the night before is worse than the procedure ,,my Doc lets me watch the screen,,says it,s as close to putting your head in your Ass as you can get,,Funny Guy
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2011
  13. carver

    carver Moderator

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    I'm 63, got my first one at 48, so I've had a few. Last one found 1 polyp, and test came back good. My first experience was the only one that produced anything out of the ordinary, seems I got mad at the nurse after the procedure for scaring off the big buck I was getting ready to shoot when she tried to wake me up! Insulation Tim, I hope everything is OK with you. While this is an uncomfortable procedure, it is something that we really need to get done on a regular basis. There are complications that can occur from this procedure, ruptured bowels are one, and it does require sugary to repair, but this is not the norm! It does happen, but thankfully, it's rare!
  14. jim brady

    jim brady Well-Known Member

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    If anyone tells you to add lemonade powder to that gallon of stuff to make it more 'drinkable' - just know that they are evil. Tim - get that procedure done, Bro. The prep (drinking that putrid liquid) is the only really bad part, but you get thru it. You won't even remember the actual procedure.
  15. armoredman

    armoredman New Member

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    44 ,haven't had one yet...
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