A couple for Swanshot

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by Pistolenschutze, May 24, 2009.

  1. Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

    Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

    The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

    The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

    The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."


    A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

    Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

    The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

    The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?


    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

    "It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

    "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

    God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

    "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

    "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

    North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

    "Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

    "Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

    God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"
  2. Nighthawk

    Nighthawk New Member

    Aug 22, 2006
    South Central Texas

  3. kutaho

    kutaho New Member

    Apr 15, 2009
    Peoples Republic of the Pacific Northwest
    I'm waiting for swanshots reply, this ought to be good:D:D:D
  4. Islandboy

    Islandboy New Member

    Feb 21, 2009
    Off the right coast
    Just watching CNN, Australia has just announced their nuclear weapons program:):):):D:D
    Something about Defending honour etc etc.:eek::eek:
  5. woolleyworm

    woolleyworm Well-Known Member

    Feb 23, 2009
    SW Fort Worth
    :D LMAO :D I had the chance to visit Australia on 2 seperate occasions, man on man do i long for an ice cold VB, one of the easiest drinking beers anywhere. Can't wait to see what Swannie thiinks of these :eek::eek::eek:
  6. artabr

    artabr New Member

    Mar 3, 2008
    New Iberia, Louisiana
  7. TranterUK

    TranterUK Guest

    I knew a feller stopped at customs entering Australia. The official asked if he had a criminal record? He replied he didn't know you still needed one.
  8. I knew an American who stopped at customs entering England once. The customs guy asked him if he had any thing to declare. This is how his answer started:

    "When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation . . . ."

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