When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy. When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him. But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped. ------------------------------- Don't panic but I'm in the hospital. I have poisoned myself. I ate what I thought was an onion. It turned out that it was a daffodil bulb. Doctor says I'll be out in the spring! ----------------------- A frog goes to have his fortune told. The swami looks at his little webbed palm and says, "Aha! You're about to meet a beautiful young lady who is going to want to know everything about you." The frog says, "Thanks! I'm going to run right back to the pond so I won't miss her." The swami says, "You won't meet her at the pond. You're going to meet her in her freshman biology class." -------------------- Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said, "Jesus, why do I work so hard?" And I heard the reply, "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather." I said, "I thought that money was the root of all evil." And the reply was, "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad." I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?" He replied, "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Senor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."