A southern *^^ whoopin...

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by glocknut, Jul 9, 2006.

  1. glocknut

    glocknut Active Member

    Dec 14, 2003
    Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin

    1. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will
    Get your ass kicked.

    2. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
    Just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
    Something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

    3. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up.
    Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your

    4. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
    it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi,
    RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it.
    Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

    5. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you
    (e.G.Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and
    Generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or
    We'll kick your ass.

    6. We have plenty of business sense (e.G., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam
    Walton, Oprah, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do,
    Sometimes, have small lapses in judgment, if you keep reminding us of
    The fact we will kick your ass.

    7. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
    Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
    The middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If
    You visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your

    8. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn,
    Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your

    9. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
    Know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with
    Gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

    10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
    Better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit,
    Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like
    It here, Delta or US Airways is ready when you are. Move your ass on
    Home before it gets kicked.

    11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
    We don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
    What we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are
    Saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone,
    Or we'll kick your ass.

    12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
    Lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR
    Scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

    13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We
    Hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because
    Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around
    Our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners
    Into your ass just like they did ours.

    14. So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in
    The countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in
    Filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or
    Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

    15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how
    To cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is
    Kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our
    Barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box...minus your ass.
  2. SouthernMoss

    SouthernMoss *Admin Tech Staff*

    Jan 1, 2003
    SW MS

  3. blackhawkkid308

    blackhawkkid308 Member

    Nov 4, 2005
    pensacola florida
  4. Marlin

    Marlin *TFF Admin Staff Chief Counselor*

    Mar 27, 2003
    At SouthernMoss' side forever!
    Agreed !!!!!
  5. southernshooter

    southernshooter New Member

    Mar 5, 2006
    Deep South Mississippi
  6. pickenup

    pickenup Active Member

    Sep 11, 2002
    Colorado Rocky Mountains
  7. Deputy Dawg

    Deputy Dawg Active Member

    Aug 11, 2005
    Central Texas Gulf Coast
  8. wolfgang2000

    wolfgang2000 New Member

    Dec 10, 2005
    Mountain Grove MO.
Similar Threads
Forum Title Date
The Pump House Saloon For Southerners Oct 26, 2014
The Pump House Saloon Are you a Liberal, a Conservative, or a Conservative Southerner? May 27, 2014
The Pump House Saloon Southern Security System Mar 9, 2012
The Pump House Saloon 31 Things You Will Never Hear A Southern Boy Say Sep 16, 2011
The Pump House Saloon The Southern States Feb 25, 2011