Dear God: It's Me, the Dog

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by montezumaz, Sep 27, 2012.

  1. montezumaz

    montezumaz Former Guest

    Aug 19, 2012
    Central AZ (Yavapai County)
    Dear God: Is it on purpose that our names are spelled the same, only in reverse?

    Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

    Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or will it be the same old story?

    Dear God: Why are there cars named after the Mustang, Cougar, Falcon, Bronco, Impala, Jaguar, Pinto, Barracuda, Hornet, Marlin, Lark, Road Runner, Sable, Spider, Stingray, Beetle, Fox, Rabbit, Cobra, Skylark, Bee, Thunderbird, Viper, Cheetah, Gazelle, Wasp, Ram, Eagle and the Wildcat, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a jaguar riding around? We love a nice car ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Ford Focus" the "Ford Fido?"

    Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

    Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee
    flight paths. What do humans understand?

    Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

    Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

    Dear God: Here is a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
    1. I will not eat the cat's food before he eats it .
    2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
    3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.
    4. The sofa is not a "face towel."
    5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
    6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
    7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an unacceptable way of saying "hello."
    8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
    9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house ... not after.
    10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
    11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
    12. The cat is not a "squeaky toy," so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

    PS. Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?
  2. hunter29180

    hunter29180 Well-Known Member

    Jan 29, 2011
    Church Hill TN
    13. would it be possible for me to have my own pillow? I hate when that man comes in and claims the one I'm on as his...moving me to the foot of the bed...

    14. can I have something thats as glad to see me after I get back home as I am to see my Human? it would be nice to experience something that loves me as much as I love my Humans

  3. WHSmithIV

    WHSmithIV Well-Known Member

    May 3, 2012
    Moore, Idaho
    Dear Dog,

    Here are answers to your questions:

    You are called Dog because you were created in God's image - from the mirror.

    Humans do smell flowers and do smell each other - they just don't admit to smelling each other because they don't always smell very good.

    When you get to Heaven you are ALWAYS welcome on the couch. In Heaven there are extra couches all over the place and you may choose any couch you would like to enjoy. Even if you tear one up it fixes itself.

    Cars are named after all those other animals because the humans who name cars don't dare to take the name of God in vain - even when spelled in reverse.

    A dog who barks his head off is never a bad dog - in the forest where humans can't hear or in the town where people can hear. Be advised that letting your head fall off is not a good idea!

    Humans understand many things - sadly most of them are not very important.

    While on Earth you will simply have to do with spaghetti and meatballs the way it is. In Heaven you may have only meatballs if you wish :)

    The mailmen in Heaven have already forgiven you or they wouldn't be here. You do not have to apologize to them but, if you were mean to any of them, then apologizing is the right thing to do.

    As for your list of things that you are remembering to be a good Dog - I am proud of you.

    When you get to Heaven you most definitely get your testicles back if they were taken from you.

  4. dad2thebone

    dad2thebone New Member

    Jul 10, 2011
    That's great! I've said it before and im sure i will again ( really sure) when i need to laugh at some clean humor i can depend on TFF members to come through. Thanks.
  5. 68c15

    68c15 Well-Known Member Supporting Member

    Nov 22, 2011
    15. are the waterfowl hunters up there capable of hitting what they aim for? I get tired of all the disappointment my human gives me.
Similar Threads
Forum Title Date
The Pump House Saloon Dear Santa Dec 13, 2014
The Pump House Saloon Dear John Reply Jun 6, 2012
The Pump House Saloon Dear Abby Jun 6, 2012
The Pump House Saloon Dear Abby letter May 15, 2012
The Pump House Saloon DEAR ABBY: Dec 3, 2011