Health Club Membership

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by Gunfyter, Feb 2, 2006.

  1. Gunfyter

    Gunfyter New Member

    Mar 25, 2003
    Western Maryland
    A friend sent this to me.

    For my fiftieth birthday this year my wife (the dear) purhased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

    The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

    MONDAY: Started my day at 6 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek Goddess--with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile WOO HOO Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week

    TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

    WEDNESDAY: The only way I can get my teeth brushed is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was ok as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked the car on top of a GEO in the club parking lot Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a maching to simulate an activity redendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap, too

    THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half-hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes Belinda took me to work out with the dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing macfhine--which I sank

    FRIDAY: I hate that blond ***** more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the memory of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the ">:*&#^% barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director

    SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I didn't show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even used the TV control and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

    SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife will chose a gift that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.
    :) :) :)
  2. inplanotx

    inplanotx Active Member

    Jan 28, 2002

  3. Marlin

    Marlin *TFF Admin Staff Chief Counselor*

    Mar 27, 2003
    At SouthernMoss' side forever!
  4. Deputy Dawg

    Deputy Dawg Active Member

    Aug 11, 2005
    Central Texas Gulf Coast
  5. SouthernMoss

    SouthernMoss *Admin Tech Staff*

    Jan 1, 2003
    SW MS
  6. muley

    muley New Member

    Aug 5, 2004
    Far North Cal
    :D :D :D :D :D That's a fiver.........
  7. pickenup

    pickenup Active Member

    Sep 11, 2002
    Colorado Rocky Mountains
    Got a friend (trainer) that I HAVE to send this one too.
    I think her name may be Belinda. :eek:
    Na, maybe not.

    :D :D :D
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