Humor ...

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by Aspeck, Mar 22, 2018.

  1. Aspeck

    Aspeck Well-Known Member

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    SENIOR'S PERSPECTIVE OF FACEBOOK. AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!

    For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

    Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night
    before, what I will do later and with whom.

    I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of
    landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

    I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

    And it works just like Facebook.

    I already have four people following me:

    two police officers,
    a private investigator
    and a psychiatrist.
     
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  2. rooter

    rooter *VMBB Senior Chief Of Staff* Supporting Member

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    Dean Martin - "Ain't That a Kick in the Head" (Lyrics) - YouTube
     
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  3. Aspeck

    Aspeck Well-Known Member

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    A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove the saying about money, “you can’t take it with you”, wrong.

    After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

    He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.

    Then, he directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

    His plan was to reach out and grab the bags when he was ascending to heaven.

    Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.

    “Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
     
  4. Aspeck

    Aspeck Well-Known Member

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    A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

    When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

    When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

    “Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

    “Actually, no,” he replies.

    “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

    “I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman, evidently getting a bit hot under the collar by this point. “Is there anything I can do?”

    “Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, touching his lips.

    “Tell him,” she says, “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies’ room.”
     
  5. One Shot

    One Shot Well-Known Member Supporting Member

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    That should get the problem taken care of. ;)
     
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  6. Aspeck

    Aspeck Well-Known Member

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    A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.

    She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.

    As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.

    He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”

    She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”

    He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh . . . I . . .”

    She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
     
  7. jstgsn

    jstgsn Well-Known Member

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  8. jstgsn

    jstgsn Well-Known Member

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    An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple's house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen.

    The two elderly gents were talking, and one says, "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant that I'd highly recommend.

    The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

    The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, "Uh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

    His friend replies, "A carnation?"

    "No, no. The other one," the man says.

    His friend suggests, "The poppy?"

    "No, no, no," growls the man. "You know--the one that is red and has thorns."

    His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"

    "Yes! Thank you," the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells,

    "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
     
  9. Aspeck

    Aspeck Well-Known Member

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    John’s wife, refusing to give in to aging, goes out to buy some new cosmetics so she can look years younger.

    After spending some time applying “Miracle“ products to her face, she asks her husband, “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, how old would you think I am?“

    Looking at her carefully, John replied…

    “Judging from your skin twenty, your hair eighteen. And your figure, twenty five.“

    “OH, you flatterer!“ She gushed.

    Just as she was about to tell John his reward, he stops her and says “WHOA, hold on there sweety…

    “I haven’t added them up yet!“
     
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