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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Posts: 180
(4/15/01 9:25:52 pm)
| Del All Joke-Part 2
Here's a fresh slate for more jokes! Have at it folks!

Mike L

Posts: 142
(4/16/01 1:41:30 pm)
| Del Name Your Poison

Seven New York City bartenders asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink Beer: Personality-Casual, low maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink Blender Drinks: Personality-Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink Mixed Drinks: Personality-Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky tastes, knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink!

Drink Wine: Personality (Does not include White Zinfandel, SEE BELOW)-Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink White Zinfandel: Personality-Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter that she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink Shots: Personality-Likes to hang with the "frat" boy pals and looking to get totally drunk and naked.
Your Approach: Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum.

The deal with guys, is always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

Posts: 610
(4/16/01 5:43:48 pm)
| Del Re: Name Your Poison
I'll get back to you on this one.....

Posts: 144
(4/16/01 5:59:28 pm)
| Del Can this be true?
A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into
an argument about
which service was "the best." The arguing became so
heated the four
servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck. They
were run over by the truck
and killed instantly.

Soon the four servicemen found themselves at the
Pearly Gates of Heaven.
There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only
he could be the ultimate
source of truth and honesty. So, the four
servicemen asked him, "Saint

Peter, which branch of the United States Armed
Forces is the best?" Saint
Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I
will ask God what He thinks
the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for
your service on Earth and
welcome to Heaven."

Some time later the four servicemen see Saint Peter
and remind him of the
question they had asked when first entering Heaven.
The four servicemen
asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer.
Suddenly, a sparkling
white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the
dove's beak is a note
glistening with gold dust.

Saint Peter says to the four Servicemen, "Your
answer from the Boss.
Let's see what He says."

Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold
dust drifts into the
air, harps play crescendos, and Saint Peter begins
to read the note aloud to
the four Servicemen:


Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines


Gentlemen and Gentlewomen, all branches of the
United States Armed Forces
are honorable and noble. Each serves America well
and with distinction.
Being a serviceman in the United States Military
represents a special
calling warranting special respect, tribute and
dedication. Be proud of

Semper Fidelis,

GOD, U.S. Marine Corps (Ret.)

I would have sworn he was Army!

Registered User
Posts: 6
(4/17/01 4:07:21 pm)
| Del Can this be true?
"and as the white dove "POOFS" to reveal God as himself, he winks and turns away to leave..... you then see the saying stenciled on the back of his silk "nam" jacket.....


Posts: 525
(4/17/01 6:31:52 pm)
| Del
Re: Can this be true?
Good one Mith!
The Firearms Forum Vietnam Memories Bulletin Board Contact Administrator

Posts: 613
(4/17/01 7:05:18 pm)
| Del Re: Can this be true?
Very Cool!

Posts: 256
(4/18/01 5:43:19 pm)
| Del Re: Can this be true?
It just never ends.Heheh
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 337
(4/18/01 7:37:52 pm)
| Del Bumper Stickers
> > >> 1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
> > >> 2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
> > >> 3. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
> > >> 4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
> > >> 5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your
> > >> Mouth Shut.
> > >> 6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
> > >> 7. Cats: The Other White Meat
> > >> 8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
> > >> 9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
> > >> 10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
> > >> 11. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
> > >> 12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard
> > >> Feelings".
> > >> 13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
> > >> 14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
> > >> 15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where
> > >> You Put The Booger.
> > >> 16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
> > >> 17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are
> > >> Talking To Me
> > >> 18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
> > >> 20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't
> > >> Happening To Me
> > >> 21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
> > >> 22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
> > >> 23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
> > >> 24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite
> > >> Remember My Name
> > >> 25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
> > >> 26. Illiterate? Write For Help
> > >> 27. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
> > >> 28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
> > >> 29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles
> > >> From The Next Exit
> > >> 30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An
> > >> Unarmed Person
> > >> 31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
> > >> 32. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
> > >> 33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This
> > >> Handbasket?
> > >> 37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're
> > >> Doing It Wrong...
> > >> 38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
> > >> 39. Some people are only alive because it is
> > >> illegal to shoot them.
> > >> 40. Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed
> > >> For 70mph
> > >> 41. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
> > >> Before He Admits He Is Lost?
> > >> 42. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
> > >> 43. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
> > >> 44. Ax Me About Ebonics
> > >> 45. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
> > >> 46. Boldly Going Nowhere
> > >> 47. If Walking Is Good For You, Why Does My
> > >> Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 338
(4/18/01 7:41:35 pm)
| Del My Tax Return
>> Attn: IRS
>> Enclosed is my 2001 tax return & payment.
>> Please take note of the attached article from
>> USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will
>> see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for
>> hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a
>> toilet seat.
>> Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value
>> $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This
>> brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please
>> note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to
>> the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on
>> my return. Might I suggest you the send the
>> above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See
>> attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch
>> phillips head screw.)
>> It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year,
>> and I look forward to paying it again next year.
>> Sincerely,
>> A satisfied taxpayer

Posts: 619
(4/18/01 9:04:09 pm)
| Del Re: My Tax Return
Great bumper stickers--love that #41--says it all.
Good job!

Boom Boom

Posts: 533
(4/18/01 9:56:29 pm)
| Del
Re: My Tax Return
As usual Dave, your emails & posts are a piss!

The Firearms Forum Vietnam Memories Bulletin Board Contact Administrator

Posts: 271
(4/20/01 11:56:31 am)
| Del Re: My Tax Return
With the humongous beauracracy that flounders in would probably work.Hell...liable to get a hammer or seat back from the clowns.
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 195
(4/20/01 12:23:20 pm)
| Del More Bumper Stickers!
Dave's post stirred up the grey matter and I found these gathering dust in a corner of the computer. I apologize in advance if there are duplicates from the list Dave posted, but I really am supposed to be working!

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

3. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

5. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

6. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

9. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

10. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

11. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

12. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

13. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

14. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

16. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

17. Adults are just kids who owe money.

18. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

19. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

20. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

21. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

22. You look like poop. Is that the style now?

23. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

24. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

25. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

26. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

27. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. You! Off my planet!

30. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

31. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

33. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.

34. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

35. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

36. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

37. I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

38. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

40. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

41. I have a computer, a pizza delivery and a vibrator. Why should I leave the house?

42. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

43. Does this condom make me look fat?

44. It ain't the size, it's... er... no, it IS ..the size.

45. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

46. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

47. Horn broken, watch for finger.

48. All men are idiots ... I married their king.

49. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

50. My kid had sex with your honor student.

51. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

52. I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

53. Keep honking, I'm reloading.

54. Hang up and drive.

55. WARNING! - Driver only carries $20 in ammunition.

56. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

57. Lord save me from your followers.

58. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

59. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

60. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

61. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

62. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

63. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

64. Your mom took an IQ test and the results were negative.

65. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

66. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

67. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

68. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

69. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

70. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

71. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

72. Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.

73. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

74. If we'd have known then what we know now, we'd have picked our own damn cotton.

75. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

76. I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

77. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Posts: 210
(4/25/01 2:31:41 pm)
| Del Re: Funnies From The Web
A 99 year old man told everyone the secret of his long and healthy life was eating a teaspoon of gunpowder every day, sprinkled over his breakfast cereals.

When he died just before his 100th birthday he left 14 sons, 3 daughters, 25 grandchildren, 11 great- grandchildren...

...and a damned great hole where the crematorium used to be!

> > >

A Rabbi was having problems with the IRS inspector, who, feeling his claim for 'deductibles' was too high, asked if there were any economies he could make.

"Look," said the Rabbi, "We already collect all the drips from the candles and have them re-formed into new candles. We collect all the crumbs from our holy foods and the baker recycles them into the next batch of dough. How much more can we do?"

"What about the clippings from circumcisions?" The IRS man asked.

"Oh we send all of them to Washington, DC... ...and they recycle them into little pricks like you."

Posts: 307
(4/25/01 2:41:48 pm)
| Del Re: Funnies From The Web
Hehheh! pretty good Mike! the one quite possibly being true...can't say which one...still waiting on my return.Hehheh.
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 353
(4/25/01 2:46:22 pm)
| Del Re: Funnies From The Web
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the
lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys
are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy
there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral
and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns,
with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was
walking down the trail the other day, and a fifteen foot rattler slid
out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that
snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison
down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with
his penis.

Posts: 211
(4/25/01 4:10:48 pm)
| Del Re: Funnies From The Web

Posts: 660
(4/25/01 5:34:28 pm)
| Del Re: Funnies From The Web
Oh Dave, that is just too funny. Thanks!

Boom Boom

Posts: 661
(4/25/01 5:37:55 pm)
| Del Re: Funnies From The Web

Cute one about the Rabbi.

Boom Boom

Posts: 313
(4/25/01 8:01:44 pm)
| Del Re: Funnies From The Web
Funny Dave,but Ouch! Hehheh.
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 558
(4/25/01 8:27:46 pm)
| Del
Re: Funnies From The Web
Piss my pants my manLOL!!!!!!!!!!
The Firearms Forum Vietnam Memories Bulletin Board Contact Administrator

Posts: 152
(4/27/01 11:43:42 am)
| Del Funnies
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says,
"I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot
'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other
stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,became known as the
lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for
the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked,
as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought thecompetition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored
him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to
close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they
did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent 10 different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Posts: 348
(4/27/01 11:52:11 am)
| Del Re: Funnies
Ah me!,Phil...where do you get this stuff.Hehheh.
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 370
(4/27/01 12:22:55 pm)
| Del Are You DA MAN?
Now ladies, let me apologize in advance. If you're easily offended then read no farther. This is from my brother who's the king of the NC ********.

>> 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
>> a) lovemaking
>> b) screwing
>> c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
>> 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
>both shared:
>> a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
>> b) your blood test results
>> c) five tequila slammers
>> 3. You time your orgasm so that:
>> a) your partner climaxes first
>> b) you both climax simultaneously
>> c) you don't miss Sports Center
>> 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
>> a) healthy, creative love play
>> b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
>> c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
>> 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
>> a) the best part of the experience
>> b) the second best part of the experience
>> c) $100 extra
>> 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month.
>> You tell her that it is:
>> a) No concern of yours
>> b) not a problem, she can join your gym
>> c) a conservative estimate
>> 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
>> a) a myth
>> b) an oxymoron
>> c) a moron
>> 8. Foreplay is to sex as:
>> a) appetizer is to entree
>> b) primer is to paint
>> c) a line is to an amusement park ride
>> 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
>> a) "I hope we can still be friends."
>> b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
>> c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
>> 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
>> a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
>> b) is uptight and a waste of time
>> c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
>> See answers below:
>> If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
>> If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
>> If you answered "c" more than 7 times..."YOU DA MAN!"

Edited by: dap22 at: 4/27/01 1:25:40 pm

Rons Toys
Registered User
Posts: 18
(4/27/01 1:16:47 pm)
| Del Mens & ladies rules
I hope I haven't post this here before.

~~~ "The Rules", Men Style ~~~

* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways
makes you sad or angry... we meant the other way.

* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to
look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers,
tires or sporting equipment nearby.

* We don't know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, don't even ask.

* We ~did~ water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.

* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the

* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine
quizzes together.

* Actually, you probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the
dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

* Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching
anything on TBS, playing cards, and home repair.

* Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

* Curley is the bald one.

* Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or
Arnold Schwarzenegger, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary
Clinton, or Naomi Wolf are up to.

* Socks never constitute a gift.

* Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are
even better.

* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out
to dinner.

* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after seven days.

* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or

* No, you can't have the remote control.

* When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your
saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

* Make us feel respected, and our loving attitudes will grow like weeds!

- Compiled by [email protected] - Original sources unknown

------------------ "Don't be so heavenly minded that you're no earthly good!"

~~~ The Rules ~~~

* The female always makes the rules.
* The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
* No male can possibly know all the rules.
* If the females suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately
change some or all the rules.
* The female is never wrong.
* If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a
direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
* If the above applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing
the misunderstanding.
* An apology without flowers is not an apology.
* The female may change her mind at any time.
* The male must never change his mind at any time without the expressed consent
of the female.
* The male may not point out that the women has changed her mind.
* The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
* The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be
angry or upset.
* The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she
wants him to be angry or upset.
* The female is ready when she is ready.
* The male must be ready at all times.
* The male may not inquire if the woman is angry or upset.
* The male may not inquire when the women will be ready.
* The male is expected to mind-read at all times.
* The male must earn the respect of the female by giving his life up
in service to her needs and nurturing of her character. (Awww!)

- Compiled by [email protected] - Original source unknown

Posts: 353
(4/28/01 10:49:39 am)
| Del Re: Mens & ladies rules
Goodun Ron! with all the differences,you'd hardly think the two could find common ground huh? The ladies certainly are a strange lot.Another huh!
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 690
(4/28/01 2:04:27 pm)
| Del Re: Mens & ladies rules

Posts: 153
(4/28/01 7:04:22 pm)
| Del One for Bill. Maybe JD too
Subject: Moved to Canada

August 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so
beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them
with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have
turned all colors & shades of red & orange. Went for a ride through the
beautiful country side & saw some deer. They are so graceful.Certainly they
are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it

Nov 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I cannot imagine anyone
wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it

Dec 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with
white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside & cleaned the snow off the
steps & shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight. I won! When the
snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful
place. I love Canada.

Dec 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the
driveway. I love it here.

Dec 19 - More snow last night. Could not get out of the driveway to get to
work. It's beautiful here but I am exhausted from shoveling. F**king

Dec 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters
on my hands & a sore back from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides
around the corner till I'm done shoveling. &%$#*.

Dec 25 - Merry fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my
hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill
the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt
the f**king ice.

Dec 27 - More white shit fell again last night. Been inside for three days
now except for shoveling out the driveway after the snowplow goes through
every time. Can't go anywhere. The car is stuck in a mountain of white
shit & it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10
inches of that white shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full
of 10 inches that is?

Dec 28 - That f**king weather man was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit
this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck
in the road & that bastard came down to my door & asked to borrow my
shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels out of all
that shit he had pushed into my driveway. I damn near broke my last
one over his f**king head.

Jan 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food
& on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3000.00
worth of damage to the car. Those f**king beasts should be killed. The
bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them last

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in Town. Would you believe the thing is
rusted out from all that f**king salt they put all over the roads?

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind
would ever want to live in a God forsaken place like Canada.

Posts: 574
(4/28/01 7:41:48 pm)
| Del
Re: One for Bill. Maybe JD too

I agree 10000000000000% you hit it right on the DAMN
head LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

True, how true!

The Firearms Forum Vietnam Memories Bulletin Board Contact Administrator

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 372
(4/28/01 7:47:23 pm)
| Del Re: One for Bill. Maybe JD too
Hey boss......sounds to me like that might be up on that mountain you live on near Burlington???????????????

Registered User
Posts: 86
(4/28/01 7:52:01 pm)
| Del The Blind Man
The Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the
door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

Posts: 155
(4/28/01 8:23:51 pm)
| Del Re: The Blind Man
Good one!

Posts: 360
(4/29/01 6:31:38 am)
| Del Re: The Blind Man
Hehheh! Way to start the day here.
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 576
(4/29/01 11:33:14 am)
| Del
Re: The Blind Man
Sounds like they wrote it about my place Dave!
The Firearms Forum Vietnam Memories Bulletin Board Contact Administrator

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 375
(4/29/01 8:28:43 pm)
| Del Re: The Blind Man
Thought So!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 229
(4/30/01 11:12:32 am)
| Del Re: Dating My Daughter
10 Rules for dating my daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, some say we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside Hanoi. As soon as you pull into the driveway after a date, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought by daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Rons Toys
Registered User
Posts: 20
(4/30/01 2:46:05 pm)
| Del anagrams
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The
following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either
has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait
till you see the last one!)

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

And for the grand finale:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: (It can be rearranged with no letters left over,
and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Posts: 372
(4/30/01 6:16:32 pm)
| Del Re: anagrams
Excellent Ron ,amazing that some one can sit down and come up with this stuff.Very clever stuff.

Another good one there Mike.Have 4 daughters here with 3 from 19 to 21 yrs old. Have been accussed of being over-protective by them and wife and others...not so!,I was a huge throbbing clump of hormone once and figure I'd give my daughters an even break.

Especially with whats out there on the market today.

...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 709
(4/30/01 6:41:20 pm)
| Del Re: anagrams

There's a lot to be said about an over protective Dad
and four over protective brothers. I just can't tell
you what I said!

Boom Boom

Registered User
Posts: 36
(4/30/01 7:17:38 pm)
| Del new book
Just a random thought.
I apologize in advance if anyone finds this offensive. The Rev. Jesse Jackson and Jimmy Swaggert are going to co-author a book entitled: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

Posts: 713
(4/30/01 7:43:14 pm)
| Del Re: new book
That was great Don! Funny!


Rons Toys
Registered User
Posts: 22
(5/1/01 8:51:00 am)
| Del How to take care of your Cat written by the dawg

MEMO: How To Give A Cat A Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note
to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible
from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take
taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink
beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek
and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to
cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take
last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room,
sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to
see if they have any hamsters.

MEMO: How To Give A Dog A Pill...

1) Wrap it in bacon.

MEMO: How to Clean the Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you
may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get
any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out
for anything he can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he
will dry himself.


<< The DOG >>

Posts: 230
(5/1/01 9:06:34 am)
| Del Re: How to take give a cat a bath (Option 2)
Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well, contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odors; from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember-your dog will try to eat anything!)

Now we all know that cats HATE water. And, we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question. (Have you ever tried to give a cat a pill?) So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to the tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits. Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness, and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask, and welders gloves.

2. A bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and a towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.

5. Find you cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly, as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire; the cat barely notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom speed is essential. In one single, liquid motion shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is
above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than hell.

7. As best you can, wearing welders gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off you leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.

12. Be sure the cat is firmly wrapped in the towel before opening the tub enclosure. Open the bathroom door, put the towel wrapped cat on the floor and step back quickly, into the tub if possible, and do not open the enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge. But he does smell better??????

Posts: 376
(5/1/01 9:51:21 am)
| Del Re: How to take give a cat a bath (Option 3)
Hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahaha!very,very funny guys! Thanks,but no thanks,I'll pay $35 at The Animal Bottique.Hehheh.
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Edited by: homer4 at: 5/1/01 10:54:04 am

Posts: 159
(5/1/01 11:40:48 am)
| Del Re: How to take give a cat a bath (Option 3)
That's why I have dogs LOL

Rons Toys
Registered User
Posts: 23
(5/1/01 11:54:04 am)
| Del dogs? ..someone say dogs?
Thou Shalt NOT:

1.act half starved when thou watcheth me eat

2.lift thine leg on the Christmas tree..

3. roll in any smelly stuff out in thy yard..

4. lie down next to me and commenceth making licking and popping noises...

5. not dig up my favorite roses...

6. treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy..

7. drink out of the toilet....

8. phart in my presence, then walk away as if thou wast offended by me..

9. put thy nose into the cat's litter box..

10. watch the cat whilst she is IN her litterbox..she desireth her privacy..

11. run away from hopme in vain pursuit of a good time, as thou hath been

12. cough and gag and vomit whilst we have company...

13. hide thy bones under my pillow..

14. harmonize with the cat at 0200hrs....

15. sneaketh up on me whilst I am sleeping and licketh me on the mouth...

Posts: 232
(5/1/01 12:02:40 pm)
| Del Re: dogs? ..someone say dogs?
@Ron! Some classic stuff there!

Rons Toys
Registered User
Posts: 24
(5/1/01 3:53:06 pm)
| Del Boudreaux
bayou Jokes

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence who he don' like at all. Dey all
de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to
Clarence,"If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere and pass my fis
by your jaw good, yeah." Dis went on for years. Finally de state came and done
built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses. Boudreaux's wife Marie
say,"Now is you chance Boudreaux, Why don' you go over dere an beat up Clarence
lak you say?" Boudreaux say "OK" and start across de bridge, but he see a sign
hanging on the frame of de top of de bridge, he stop to read it, den he turn
around and go back home. Marie say, "Why you back so soon?" and Boudreaux say,
"Mais Marie, I don change my mind about beatin' up Clarence. You know dey got a
sign on dat dere bridge dat as what say Clarence 13'6". You know, he don' look
near dat big when I yell at him from across dis bayou!" *** Boudreaux and
Thibadeaux are walking down the street and they see a sign for a new movie. It
says "Coming soon to a theater near you." Boudreaux looks at Thibadeaux and
says, "Now how he know where we live?" *** Boudreaux poled his pirogue by
Thibadeaux's place. Thibadeaux is painting his fence. He says "Boudreaux,
where you be getting to'?" Boudreaux says " I got me dis here duck tape and I'm
goin' to get me some ducks. You wanna come?" "Sheefar, that ain't gonna work,
'sides, missus says I gotta paint the fence." "OK.", says Boudreaux and poles
away. That afternoon Boudreaux comes back with a load of ducks and explains, "I
unrolled dat dere duck tape, they ducks got stuck, I whack'em on the head and
trowed on the boat, simple."

Next day Boudreaux poled his pirogue by Thibadeaux's place. Thibadeaux is
painting his fence. He says. "Where is it you goin'?". Boudreaux says, "Got
me some Nutri-Sweet and I'm gonna catch me some nutria." Thibadeaux says,
"Sheefar, that ain't gonna work, 'sides, missus says I gotta paint the fence.
"OK.", says Boudreaux and poles away. That afternoon Boudreaux comes back with
a load of nutria and explains," I sprinkled some of that sweetness in the water
and when deys come up to take a sip, I whack'em on the head and trowed on the
boat, simple."

Next day Boudreaux poled his pirogue by Thibadeaux's place. Thibadeaux is
painting his fence. He says. "Where you goin'?". Boudreaux says, "Got me some
pussy willows and.." Tibideaux throws down his paint brush and says, "You stop
right dere, I'll get my hat."

Posts: 161
(5/1/01 8:45:18 pm)
| Del Re: Boudreaux
Good ones.......... LOL

Registered User
Posts: 91
(5/2/01 8:14:58 am)
| Del Airplanes vs. Women

Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'

Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

Airplanes don't try and make you crash and burn.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

When airplanes go quiet, it's a bad thing.

Edited by: TShooters at: 5/2/01 9:16:32 am

Discussion Starter · #2 ·
The 2 Thermometers:How DO you tell the difference?

Registered User
Posts: 92
(5/2/01 8:19:20 am)
| Del The 2 Thermometers:How DO you tell the difference?
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the teller.
"Well, that's great, just great ... some asshole's got my pen."

Posts: 589
(5/2/01 10:18:55 am)
| Del
Re: The 2 Thermometers:How DO you tell the difference?
LOL as usual!
The Firearms Forum Vietnam Memories Bulletin Board Contact Administrator

Posts: 727
(5/2/01 4:49:49 pm)
| Del Re: The 2 Thermometers:How DO you tell the difference?
Too cute ya'll!

Posts: 732
(5/2/01 6:41:10 pm)
| Del Ten Best Things To
Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved
about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White Out. You
probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work related stress. Are you discriminating toward
people who practice Yoga?"

5. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out
a solution to our biggest problem".

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. " Jesus' name. Amen."

Posts: 392
(5/2/01 7:10:52 pm)
| Del Re: Ten Best Things To
Hehheh! Very good guys! Keep em comin! Hehheh!
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 733
(5/2/01 7:25:39 pm)
| Del Jesus
The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened
home, filling his bag with various valuables. As he reached
his hand out to a box of jewelry, he heard a voice say,
"Jesus is watching you."

Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't
dare breathe. Finally, he switched on his flashlight and
carefully shined it around the room, but saw nothing.
Convinced it must have been his imagination, he turned off
the flashlight and continued his quest for another man's

He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard,
"Jesus is watching you." This time he nearly jumped out
of his skin, he freaked out. He switched on the flashlight
once again. He looked about the room and noticed a birdcage
in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he discovered a
parrot in the cage.

"Are you the one that spoke to me just now?" asked the

"Yes, I am," said the parrot.

"Why did you say, "Jesus is watching you?" asked the man.

"Because I felt like you needed to be warned," replied the

By this time, the man was over his fright and was more than a little irritated at this smart ass parrot.

"What's your name?" asked the burglar. "Moses," the parrot said.

"Ha," the man laughed. "What kind of people would name
their parrot Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler, Jesus."

Rons Toys
Registered User
Posts: 26
(5/3/01 6:09:20 am)
| Del cat got your tongue?
A Cat Owner's Story

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate
my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too
humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury
and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think
up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the
most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes
to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my
shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Debcall out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed!" she hearkened "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).
"Reset it yourself!"

"I'm scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause.
"C'mon, it'll only take a second."

No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears
of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machineaphobia," a condition brought
on by watching too many Stephen King movies. So out I came, dripping wet and
buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not
without consequence but it was I who would suffer.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the
last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect
to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its
gnashing metal teeth. it was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling
objects she spied between my legs.

She ("Buttons" AKA "the Grater) had been poised around the corner and stalked me
as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most
vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with
her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere
close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought tocontrol
orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to
contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the
full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed.
It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never
made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact
knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully
briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work
while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept
silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your

If they had only known......

Registered User
Posts: 100
(5/3/01 12:09:41 pm)
| Del Ladies Night Out
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of
the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill
and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls
the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls
out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried
about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one
of his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy
gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and
the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

Then the woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,
grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

Registered User
Posts: 101
(5/3/01 12:37:55 pm)
| Del Neil Armstrong
Sorry for the caps, just cutting and pasting.








Registered User
Posts: 103
(5/3/01 12:42:45 pm)
| Del State Farm
Anna and Mildred, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from
their park bench.

Mildred says, "You know, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book,
and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there. That's all they talk
about. Tell me, Anna, when your Herbert was
alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Anna thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said,
"No, I think we had State Farm."

Posts: 411
(5/4/01 5:31:34 am)
| Del Re: State Farm
Hahahahaha! Very good Sharon! Funny as always kid!
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 86
(5/4/01 12:43:38 pm)
| Del Yet Another Joke
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is **** Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says:

"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"...

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"


Posts: 758
(5/4/01 1:51:34 pm)
| Del Re: Yet Another Joke
I wanna bank there! Too funny Stan!

Posts: 253
(5/4/01 2:34:55 pm)
| Del
Re:Bathing Like A Woman

Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 33 degrees.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bathroom.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

Turn on hot water only.

Get into the shower (once you have found it through all that steam).

Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

Wash you face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that is has all come off).

Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered, and anyway, the hair helps keep you warm. (Huh? Was this written by a European?)

Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.

Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of scalding water.

Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.

Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Check entire head for gray hairs. Attack both with nails/tweezers if found.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bedroom.

(Bathing Like A Man to follow)

Rons Toys
Posts: 27
(5/4/01 3:06:35 pm)
| Del Old lovers

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a
small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We
went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made
love to you from behind?"

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we
do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, 'I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against
a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble.'

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other
for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of
the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her
skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves
in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like
eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's
yellling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse
panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has
learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think
about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex
like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their
clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was
going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.'

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you
must have been shagging for about forty minutes.How do you manage it?
You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of

"No, there's no secret," the old man says,"except that fifty years
ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

Old lovers

Posts: 88
(5/4/01 4:16:59 pm)
| Del Re: Old lovers
You guys are funny.

I can still remember where my wife and I first kissed.

On the lips, of course!


Posts: 426
(5/4/01 8:41:11 pm)
| Del Re: Old lovers
What a riot!
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 767
(5/5/01 8:55:08 am)
| Del "MEN ARE LIKE.........."
Men are
The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.

Men are like......computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like......coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like......power tools.
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like......remote controls.
Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

Men are like......road kill.
They usually lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like......soap operas.
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like......old car tires.
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like......plastic wrap.
Cheap, Clingy, and very easy to see through.

Men are like......horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like......cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like......government bonds.
They take soooo long to mature.

Men are like......parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like......lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like......bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like......high heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like......copiers.
You need them for reproduction, that's about it.

Rons Toys
Posts: 28
(5/5/01 10:02:29 am)
| Del My turn again.....

12 Things NOT to Say To a Police Officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to
be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son . . . your eyes look red, have
you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee
Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

> How many men does it take to open a beer?
> None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

> Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will never be able to support you.

> Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

> How do you know when a woman is about to say something
> When she starts her sentence with "A man once said..."

> How do you fix a woman's watch?
> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
> The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let
him in.

> All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you
can tell them apart.

> I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name
was Always.

> I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her.

> Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex
drive by 90%.
> It is Wedding Cake.

> Marriage is a 3 ring circus. Engagement Ring, Wedding
Ring, Suffering.

> Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "what's on
the TV?"
> I said "Dust."

> In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then
God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since
then, neither God nor Man has rested.

> Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-law.

> Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
> Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

> Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are beautiful.

Posts: 768
(5/5/01 11:10:51 am)
| Del Re: My turn again.....
Rons Toys,

Those are great! LMAO!

Donna Boom Boom

Posts: 448
(5/5/01 10:29:31 pm)
| Del Re: My turn again.....
Hahahahaha! Gooduns Donna! Hehheh!. Yours too Ron,where in the world do you find all these lists? Hehheh!
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 11
(5/6/01 4:00:25 pm)
| Del Re: State Farm

An elderly fellow comes home with one Viagra pill and proceeds to cut it into four parts.

Upon seeing this his friend states, I think you need to take the whole thing if you plan on having sex.

The old boy responds " wasn't planning on having sex, just want to stop pissing on my shoes".


Posts: 782
(5/6/01 4:12:12 pm)
| Del Re: State Farm
Funny Nick!

Posts: 463
(5/6/01 8:35:39 pm)
| Del Re: State Farm
Hehheh! very good Nick. Say!,I think that'll help Chief with his yellow shoe lace problem. Hehheh! OH CHIEF!!!
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 163
(5/7/01 3:07:39 pm)
| Del The Princess
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,
the princess.
But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, plastic
anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, If your daughter
touches one thing that does not melt in her
hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed.
The next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her
and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard
alloy of titanium.
But alas, once the princess touched it,
it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge
diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest
substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched it,
it melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached.
He told the princess,
Put your hand in my pocket
and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was
told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard.
She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess
and they both lived happily ever after.
What was the object in the prince's pants???????????

They were M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth,
not in your hand.

Posts: 104
(5/7/01 5:45:27 pm)
| Del Re: The Princess

I'm not convinced it was M&M's in his pocket.

It could have been a Microsoft "can't get any softer" mouse!

But then the cord would have melted... Hmmm.

What's that other thingy that people on this board are always getting confused with a mouse? We know that would make any princess turn red!


Posts: 801
(5/7/01 6:21:15 pm)
| Del Re: The Princess
And Boom Boom raises her arm. I KNOW! I KNOW!
I'll tell ya, okay...okay, you want me to tell ya, okay, I'm
gonna tell ya now.

No Wait, come a little closer so I can whisper, I can't say it here.

Well no, someone might overhear....checking the back room
to see if Indybear is there....for once, he got up and
went to work. Psssst...come here!

Posts: 118
(5/8/01 1:40:33 pm)
| Del Help Desk
Dear Help Desk,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to
the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no

Please help!


Dear Desperate,

Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and then
install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse
can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour
7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly"
WAV sound files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall
another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications
and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance.

I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3

--Help Desk

Posts: 265
(5/8/01 3:23:06 pm)
| Del
Re: Re:Bathing Like A Man
I warned you all this was coming!

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (no)

Turn on the water.

Check for pecs again. (still no)

Get in the shower.

Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one).

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Wash your privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt.

Shampoo your hair. (Do not use conditioner)

Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Draw a smilie face on fogged up shower door.

Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.


Rinse off and get out of the shower.

Return to the bedroom wearing a towel. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.

Rons Toys
Posts: 32
(5/8/01 3:51:06 pm)
| Del The outhouse
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out. " Pa! You need to
go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! Here ain'
nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma!
There ain't nuthin wrong with this out house!

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole then starts yelling, "Ma! Help!
My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Aggravating, isn't it?!"

Posts: 123
(5/9/01 8:44:29 am)
| Del Diet/Exercise FAQs
I have been considering a diet and excersize program for some time but before
entering into this I decided to ask myself the following:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is good for only so many beats, and that's it. Everything
wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal, and they're not on the periodic table of elements,
so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a
beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench
press.What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up
your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you
find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably
ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Sorry ... Can't think of a single one. My philosophy is: No Pain - No

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should be doing sit-ups only if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had regarding
food and exercise.

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 464
(5/9/01 8:45:50 am)
| Del Shit
SHIT may just be the most powerful word in the
> > English language.
> > You can be shit faced,
> > shit out of luck,
> > or have shit for brains.
> > With a little effort,
> > you can get your shit together,
> > find a place for your shit
> > or decide to shit or get off the pot.
> > You can smoke shit,
> > buy shit,
> > sell shit,
> > lose shit,
> > find shit,
> > forget shit,
> > and tell others to eat shit and die.
> > Some people know their shit while others can't
> > tell the difference between shit and shineola.
> > There are lucky shits,
> > dumb shits,
> > crazy shits,
> > and sweet shits.
> > There is bull shit,
> > horse shit and
> > chicken shit.
> > You can throw shit,
> > sling shit,
> > catch shit,
> > shoot shit,
> > or duck when shit hits the fan.
> > You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
> > You can find yourself in deep shit
> > or be happier than a pig ! in! shit.
> > Some days are colder than shit,
> > some days are hotter than shit,
> > and some days are just plain shitty.
> > Some music sounds like shit,
> > things can look like shit,
> > and there are times when you feel like shit.
> > You can have too much shit,
> > not enough shit,
> > the right shit,
> > the wrong shit or
> > a lot of weird shit.
> > You can carry shit,
> > have a mountain of shit,
> > or find yourself
> > up a shit creek without a paddle.
> > Sometimes everything you touch
> > turns to shit
> > and other times you swim
> > in a lake of shit
> > and come out smelling like a rose.
> > When you stop to consider all the facts,
> > it's the basic building block of creation.
> > And remember, once you know your shit,
> > you don't need to know anything else!
> > You could pass this along,
> > ..........if you give a shit.

Posts: 169
(5/9/01 11:35:08 am)
| Del Re: Shit
Shit is a mighty useful word....... Is it in the dictionary?

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 468
(5/9/01 11:38:24 am)
| Del Re: Shit
It's in my Webster's New Collegiate dictionary.....where'd you think I got all these meanings??????????????

Posts: 537
(5/10/01 2:20:34 pm)
| Del Re: Shit
Who gives a sh!t Dave.
...and two hard boiled eggs.

*VMBB Senior Chief Of Staff*
26,136 Posts
Hey Jim and welcome with your first posting....I just attempted one shot on Google and come up with what may help you...Go to Google down below and enter: MACY'S WEDDING GOWNS ....Looked nice to me....Jim, forgive me, but with the name Jim, is it 'gowns' you want and not 'grooms' attire???? chief
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