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Posts: 213
(6/4/01 1:49:26 pm)
| Del All JOKES IV
Husband's note to his wife:

"Doctor's office called and said Pabst Beer is normal"


Posts: 214
(6/4/01 1:52:11 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Coffee in Bed

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning
and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and
was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on
the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup
of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed
three of those little green Army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green Army guys
be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You
know grandma, it's like on TV...The best part of waking up
is soldiers in your cup."

The true definition of "Army Coffee"?


Posts: 215
(6/4/01 1:55:56 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV

THE AL GORE Virus...(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)

THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with no memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)


Posts: 216
(6/4/01 2:01:46 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
BBQing is the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer or three.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.



Posts: 217
(6/4/01 2:11:54 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm a woman", she told him.

"I don't understand", he said. His mom just hugged him
and said, "And you never will"...

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother
seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason", was all his dad could say...

The little boy grew up and became a man, still
wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God; and when God got on the
phone, the man said, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said: "When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of
the world; yet, gentle enough to give comfort..."

"I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the
rejection that many times comes from her children..."

"I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when
everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through
sickness and fatigue without complaining... "

"I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and
all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly..."

"I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults
and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart..."

"I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts
his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve
to stand beside him unfalteringly..."

"And finally, I gave her a tear to shed..." "This is hers
exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see: The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she
wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her

"The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because
that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."


Posts: 777
(6/4/01 3:59:45 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Way ta go Stan! Your on a roll!
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 218
(6/4/01 6:37:41 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Thanks, Homer.

I have never tried a roll with 2 hard boiled eggs before.

I'm going to need some good Army coffee to wash it down. (LOL)


Posts: 781
(6/4/01 7:47:55 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Hehe! and a very clever reply to boot Stan! Glad to see ya in such great cheer bud!

Periods like that are good for both us and those around us.

Nice to be on top of things than buried under them.
...and two hard boiled eggs.

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 199
(6/5/01 1:33:08 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Thanks for the BBQ one, Stan..that is so true!

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests
shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was
treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.

After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is
Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a
wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted.
Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"

Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 200
(6/5/01 1:34:51 pm)
| Del Kid's Quotes on LOVE

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad
stuff gets in the way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over
and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it
for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis
too. That's love."

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on
shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of
your French fries without making them give you any of

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but
you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt
their feelings."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste
is OK."

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you
stop opening presents and listen."

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and
you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you
get surprised because not only do they still love you,
they love you even more."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he
wears it every day."

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who
are still friends even after they know each other so well."

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I
looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy
waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I
wasn't scared anymore."

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone
else kissing me to sleep at night."

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you
left him alone all day."

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Posts: 363
(6/5/01 1:46:43 pm)
| Del
Re: Kid's Quotes on LOVE
TS-truly outstanding! Thanks for the post.


V.I.P. Member
Posts: 201
(6/5/01 2:01:36 pm)
| Del Perlman
Thanks, Indy. I like this one............


On Nov. 18, 1995, Itzhak Perlman, the violinist, came on stage to give a
concert at Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center in New York City. If you
have ever been to a Perlman concert, you know that getting on stage is no
small achievement for him. He was stricken with polio as a child, and so
he has braces on both legs and walks with the aid of two crutches.

To see him walk across the stage one step at a time, painfully and slowly,
is an unforgettable sight. He walks painfully, yet majestically, until he
reaches his chair. Then he sits down, slowly, puts his crutches on the
floor, undoes the clasps on his legs, tucks one foot back and extends the
other foot forward. Then he bends down and picks up the violin, puts it
under his chin, nods to the conductor and proceeds to play.

By now, the audience is used to this ritual. They sit quietly while he
makes his way across the stage to his chair. They remain reverently
silent while he undoes the clasps on his legs. They wait until he is ready to
play. But this time, something went wrong. Just as he finished the first few
bars, one of the strings on his violin broke. You could hear it snap - it
went off like gunfire across the room. There was no mistaking what that
sound meant. There was no mistaking what he had to do.

People who were there that night thought to themselves: "We figured that
he would have to get up, put on the clasps again, pick up the crutches and
limp his way off stage - to either find another violin or else find another
string for this one." But he didn't. Instead, he waited a moment, closed
his eyes and then signaled the conductor to begin again. The orchestra
began, and he played from where he had left off. And he played with such
passion and such power and such purity as they had never heard before.

Of course, anyone knows that it is impossible to play a symphonic work
with just three strings. I know that, and you know that, but that night
Perlman refused to know that. You could see him modulating, changing,
recomposing the piece in his head. At one point, it sounded like he was
re-tuning the strings to get new sounds from them that they had never made
When he finished, there was an awesome silence in the room. And then
people rose and cheered. There was an extraordinary outburst of applause from
every corner of the auditorium. We were all on our feet, screaming and
cheering, doing everything we could to show how much we appreciated what
he had done.

He smiled, wiped the sweat from this brow, raised his bow to quiet us, and
then he said, not boastfully, but in a quiet, pensive, reverent tone, "You
know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can
still make with what you have left."

What a powerful line that is. It has stayed in my mind ever since I heard
it. And who knows? Perhaps that is the [way] of life - not just for artists
but for all of us.

So, perhaps our task in this shaky, fast-changing, bewildering world in
which we live is to make music, at first with all that we have, and then, when
that is no longer possible, to make music with what we have left.

-- Jack Riemer, Houston Chronicle

Posts: 18
(6/5/01 3:40:09 pm)
| Del
The following was sent on to me - thought you'd find it nice....

This I thought was truly incredible. Check out the picture below. This is amazing... A picture began circulating in November. It should be "The Picture of the Year," or perhaps, "Picture of the Decade."

The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by a surgeon named Joseph Bruner. The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta. She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb. During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby.

During the surgery on little Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed, hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger. The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, "Hand of Hope." The text explaining the picture begins, "The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life."

Little Samuel's mother said they "wept for days" when they saw the picture. She said, "The photo reminds us my pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person."

"The Hand" of the fetus. You can see the actual picture, and it is awesome...incredible. And hey, pass it on. The world needs to see this one.

Posts: 791
(6/5/01 4:55:51 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Some absolutely terrific posts here.

I always enjoy the now.

Love does go the extra mile doesn't it.

But the Violinst desire to keep on keeping on is a great lesson for life. How often do I wimp out...much more than even by biggest critics can imagine.

Good stuff usual.

Winter...Absolutely Terrific...Amazing what the Doctors can do today.How much life has been given today by their hands.

A lady at the Therapy Clinic I go to had a baby boy...Derrick,her third.He was born some 3months early and weighed 2lb 1oz...he's growing like a weed.

Not to long ago...children this small wouldn't have a chance at life.Bless God!

With out offence but without apology...I'm as Pro-Life as one could get.

Good post Winter.

...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 227
(6/6/01 9:14:06 am)
| Del Navy Joke
Home After six-month tour

Because the husband had just gotten home from a six-month tour of duty, the husband and wife were furiously making love when, all of a sudden, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house.

The husband says, "Oh no! That must be your husband coming home."

And the wife replies, "No. He's off in the Navy for six months."


Posts: 228
(6/6/01 9:17:14 am)
| Del Another Navy Joke
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.


Posts: 229
(6/6/01 9:21:16 am)
| Del Another Navy Joke

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking Navy man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he'd had sex.

"1956," he immediately replied.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch.

"It's only 2014 now."


Posts: 807
(6/6/01 2:34:20 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 371
(6/7/01 9:56:28 pm)
| Del

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!", said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com...and that is how it all began.

It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Posts: 1111
(6/7/01 10:19:23 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little
Johnny sobbed all the way home.

His father asked him what was wrong.

Finally Little Johnny replied, "The Priest said he wanted us
to be brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay
with you guys."

Posts: 1112
(6/7/01 10:30:58 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
A little boy attending his first wedding was asked by his
cousin, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen", the little boy responded.

"How do you know that?" "Easy", the little boy said, "All you
have to do is add it up like the Bishop said."

4 Better, 4 Worse, 4 Richer, 4 Poorer

Edited by: oneknight at: 6/7/01 11:32:36 pm

Posts: 247
(6/8/01 10:22:41 am)
| Del Re: JOKES IV

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for
her date with this see-through blouse on and no
bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling
her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams.These
are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds
show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and
the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her
grandmother that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate. The
grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can
show off your rosebuds, then I can display my
hanging baskets."

Happy Gardening


Posts: 842
(6/8/01 7:13:42 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Hahahahahaha! AH ME! Hehe! Good stuff guys. Hehe!
...and two hard boiled eggs.

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 217
(6/10/01 4:46:18 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
On TAKE THIS JOB & SHOVE IT days, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy
and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need
to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure
that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the
drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed
during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie
down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become
chipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies the
thermometer and read it. You will notice in small print the statement
that "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I
do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

Posts: 1141
(6/10/01 6:32:40 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Thanks Sharon! A little more information than I needed to

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 224
(6/11/01 10:57:12 am)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da past-a two weeks?
No-a one-a seen-a you around."

"Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a inna da jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, anna da cops come,
arresta me and atrow me inna jail!"

"But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi

"Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a yellin'."

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 225
(6/11/01 10:59:00 am)
| Del Re: Hangin' Baskets
re: the Hangin' Baskets joke............

Do you know what an old woman has between her breasts that a young woman doesn't??


V.I.P. Member
Posts: 226
(6/11/01 11:02:46 am)
| Del A couple quickies

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave
the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did hear her right;
is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda. When
the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand
you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't
know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the
The bartender served a woman a glass of orange juice.
The man sitting next to her, turned to her and said,
"This is a special day; I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses
with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she
"Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens,
I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were
infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?" asked the woman
"I switched cocks." Said the man
"What a coincidence," she replied.
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!'"
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly
hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a
shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap
could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first
day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years".

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 228
(6/11/01 1:18:10 pm)
| Del Near Death Experience

Jack had a near death experience that changed his life forever. One
day, Jack went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the
horse started bouncing out of control. He tried with all his might to
hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, Jack's foot got caught
up in the stirrup. When this happened, he fell head first to the
ground. His head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse
did not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and
losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 229
(6/11/01 1:24:31 pm)
| Del Oh! To be six again!
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be
six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off
they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in
the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear-everything
there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling
and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her
husband ordered a Big Mac for her along with extra fries and refreshing
chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie-the latest Star Wars epic,
and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He
leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is there to hear
her, he will get it wrong anyway.

Posts: 848
(6/11/01 3:51:02 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
A very hardy Hahahahahahahhahahaha ! and also a... Wow! just for the number of em Sharon.

Hope your not planning to leave Town .
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 381
(6/12/01 9:21:10 am)
| Del
Ode to Sundays (After a fun Saturday night)

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
who the hell are you I think?
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
but the drunker I stand here,
the longer I get.
So, just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.

Posts: 265
(6/12/01 9:58:29 am)
| Del Three Old Men
Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."


V.I.P. Member
Posts: 234
(6/12/01 10:40:08 am)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Dear Homer,

In order for me to leave town, you'd have to loan me some money. I'm so broke,
I can't even afford to pay attention!


Edited by: TShooters at: 6/12/01 12:14:05 pm

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 235
(6/12/01 10:43:03 am)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Indy! {hic}

Too funny, Stan!

Good ones!


Posts: 266
(6/12/01 1:56:57 pm)
| Del You Might Be From A Small Town If...
You Might Be From A Small Town If...

1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
2. You know what FFA is.
3. You ever went to parties at a pasture,
barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
4. Your idea of a FUN weekend was riding around
parking lots because that is where EVERYBODY was.
5. Your idea of an EXCITING weekend
was watching a fight in the parking lot.
6. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
7. School gets canceled for city, county, or state events.
8. You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
9. You have ever gone home for Homecoming.
10. Everyone thought it was really cool to date
someone from the neighboring town.
11. You had senior skip day.
12. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
13. You don't give directions by street names,
but instead, like this:
Turn right by Mark's house, go two blocks east past
Henderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field.
14. The country club golf course had only 9 holes.
(Or there wasn't even one.)
15. You can't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
16. The people in the city dress funny, then your town
picks up on the trend a few years later.
17. The football coach suggested that you haul hay
for the summer to get stronger.
18. Directions are given using "the" stoplight as a reference.
19. The city council meets at the coffee shop.
20. Your "letter jacket" was worn after your 19th birthday.
21. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise
and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
22. Your teachers call you by your older siblings' names.
23. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
24. The closest Taco Bell or Burger King
is at least 30 miles away.
25. So is the closest shopping mall.
26. You have a good laugh reading this because
you know they're all true.
27. Then you forward it to everyone who lives in your town
(because you know them all)!!


P.S. Here's the web page for you Small Town people to explore...

Edited by: Misterstan at: 6/12/01 3:13:11 pm

Posts: 267
(6/12/01 2:04:36 pm)

1. Peace of mind
2. Peace of heart
3. Peace of soul

1. Squash gossip
2. Squash indifference
3. Squash grumbling
4. Squash selfishness

1. Lettuce be faithful
2. Lettuce be kind
3. Lettuce be patient
4. Lettuce really love one another

1. Turnip for meetings
2. Turnip for service
3. Turnip to help one another

1. Thyme for each other
2. Thyme for family
3. Thyme for friends




P.S. Here's the web page for you gardeners to explore...

Edited by: Misterstan at: 6/12/01 3:10:32 pm

Rons Toys
V.I.P. Member
Posts: 57
(6/12/01 2:28:32 pm)
| Del Engrish

I spent a summer in Japan two years ago. Among my fonder memories:

From a can of Blendy, an iced coffee drink:
"Casual, yet rich in substance. That's how you are, and so is Blendy."

From a can of Coffee Time, one of Blendy's competitors:
"Well-mellowed flavor and aroma make surely you will have a refreshing

From a breakfast pastry package:
"Through years of experience, Doutor Danish is produced from the finest
materials to create a happy time on tables."

From a box of ChocoBouchees, chocolate dessert cakes with vanilla icing
(similar to Ding Dongs):
"Confidence of creating deliciousness. This tastiness can not be carried
even by both hands."

From a cheap paper photo album distributed free with photo processing:
"The scene still comes to mind now and then. Cake was baking in the oven
and mother was making tea for us. We were veild in good old smell." [sic]

Finally, the office in which I was working had a set of
English instructions for the phone system that had been typed up by one of
the Japanese in the office. At one point, the instructions were meant to
include the sentence "Hook the phone," meaning (I assume) "hang up the

The author of the instructions apparently didn't know how to spell "hook",
so I suppose he tried to sound it out. There is no "hoo" sound in
Japanese. The closest is something like "foo", which generally gets
transliterated as "fu". As for the "k" sound, the author apparently
decided that in this case "ck" was more likely to be correct than just

So the end result of all this was that the instructions contained the
sentence "F*ck the phone." For the Americans in the office, it was good
for about ten minutes of barely-contained laughter.

Posts: 272
(6/12/01 7:26:39 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
A woman goes to a pet shop and immediately spots
a large beautiful parrot. A sign on the cage reads

"Why so little," she asks the pet store owner?
The owner studies her a moment and says, "Look,
I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
house of prostitution, and sometimes it comes
out with some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman gives this some thought, but decides
she has the expertise to retrain the bird. "Would
you take $35 for him?" she asks.

The owner considers the offer and finally agrees.

At home, she hangs the cage in her living room
and waits for the bird to say something.

The bird looks around the room, then at her, and
says, "New house, new madam." The woman's a
bit shocked at the implication, but then thinks,
"Hey, that's not so bad."

Later that day, her two teenage daughters come
home from school. When the bird sees them it says,
"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman are a bit offended, but
then begin to laugh about the situation, and about
how the bird will react to Dad when he arrives.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Joe, comes
home from work. The bird looks at him and says,
"Hi Joe"


Posts: 861
(6/12/01 7:41:46 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
ARGGG ! ARGGG ! ,Homer falls against the wall...grabs at his heart...LOAN ! LOAN ! AAARRRGGG ! , he shrieks aloud before slumping to the , she wants me to lo...

...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 276
(6/13/01 12:19:15 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
"Hello. Is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left..

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"


"Did they chop your firewood?"


"Hey, happy birthday, buddy"


V.I.P. Member
Posts: 251
(6/13/01 7:22:37 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Good ones, Stan! Keep 'em comin'!


V.I.P. Member
Posts: 252
(6/13/01 7:27:15 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Are you awake, Homer?

Come on... Wake up! I think we can
be entrepreneurs and maybe make some
money, too!


Posts: 881
(6/13/01 10:03:13 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Homer's eyes fly open!...Money!!!...jumps to his feet,slicks back his hair...

What do we have to do? , he querries.

Subtily thinking...Hope it doesn't include work!...squeezes Sharons biceps...course Sharon is kinda sturdy however.
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Posts: 29
(6/13/01 11:00:44 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
The manager of the "Tickle Me Elmo" was being pressured by his wife to give her sister a job. The sister had no skills, and not many samrts, so the manager had to give it some serious thought. Finally, he came up with a solution.
He called his sister-in-law into the factory, took her down to the assembley line and explaned her new job to her.
After a few hours, he thought he had better check and see how she was doing. When he got to her position at the end of the assembley line, he saw her working. This is what she was doing; as each doll came off the line, she was placing two small marbles into a cloth sack and attaching them to the dolls.
The manager stoped her and asked her what the hell she was doing, so she explained.
"No, No", he cried out. "I told you to give each of the dolls
Two Test Tickles!!!"

Posts: 1174
(6/13/01 11:18:05 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV

that was a good one......too funny!


V.I.P. Member
Posts: 259
(6/13/01 11:30:46 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV

Now I know how to wake ya up fast! he he he

{she says as she flexes her
right bicep, which is humung...uhhh..HUGE from years of pressing
those M & M's into her cookie balls}

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 260
(6/13/01 11:37:20 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
So cute, Stan H.!

Ya know, when Tickle Me Elmo first came out, all the kids wanted one, and
they were in very short supply. I had a couple of single lady friends who wanted
one too, and when the did manage to get one.........hmmmmmmmm...I


Posts: 385
(6/14/01 8:49:25 am)
| Del
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?",inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, green fields, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Virginia are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Washington, DC."

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 732
(6/20/01 9:12:19 am)
| Del
>> >
>> > Q. What's the Cuban national anthem?
>> > A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
>> >
>> > Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
>> > A. A different bar
>> >
>> > Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
>> > A. Sum Ting Wong
>> >
>> > Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
>> other?
>> > A. A speech impediment
>> >
>> > Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at
>> > A. They're hiring
>> >
>> > Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
>> > A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
>> >
>> > Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
>> > A. A pimp.
>> >
>> > Q. Why do Driver Education classes in ******* schools use the car only
>> > Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
>> > A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
>> >
>> > Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
>> > A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
>> > cage....along with a recipe.
>> >
>> > Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
>> > A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
>> >
>> > Q. What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern
>> > fairytale?
>> > A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A southern
>> fairytale
>> > begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
>> >
>> > Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
>> > A. Because all the ones who can run, jump or swim are over here.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >

Posts: 940
(6/20/01 12:07:33 pm)
| Del Re: JOKES IV
Hahahahaha! Atta boy Dave!...get everybody pissed! Hehe!
...and two hard boiled eggs.

0 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
V.I.P. Member
Posts: 273
(6/20/01 2:47:44 pm)
| Del Notable Sports Quotes
"This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and
it was amazing." (Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh -
Horse Racing Commentator)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
thing again" (Terry Venables)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it
all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing
the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times
are at 1500 metres." (David Coleman)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field." (Metro Radio)

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Ron

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air
for even longer." (David Acfield)

"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and
showing his class" (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,
before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them........... - Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(US TV commentator)**

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 274
(6/20/01 2:52:40 pm)
| Del Horses for Sale
A rancher advertises "horses for sale."
That morning bright and early a midget
appears at the rancher's front door.

The midget says, "I'm here to thee the horth."
The rancher asks if he would like a male or
a female horse. "A female horth," the midget
replies. So, the rancher shows him his finest
filly. "Nith looking horth. Can I thee her mouf?"

So, the rancher picks up the midget and shows
him the horses mouth. "Nith mouf.

Can I thee her eyeth?" Again, the rancher picks
the midget up and shows him the horses eyes.

"O.K., what about her earzth?" The rancher,
getting pretty pissed by now, lifts him up higher
to the ears.

"O.K.," says the midget,"can I thee her twat?"
With that, the rancher picks up the midget and
shoves the little fella's head way up into the
filly's twat, then yanks him out.

Shaking his head, and out of breath the midget
says: "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can
I thee her wun awownd a little bit?"

Posts: 58
(6/20/01 3:03:36 pm)
| Del Don't wanta kiss the gorilla

The Zoo had recently acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Billy Bob, a part time ******* intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Billy Bob, like most ********, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators
thought they might have a solution. Billy Bob was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Billy Bob showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Billy Bob announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this.

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Billy Bob, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

Posts: 1224
(6/20/01 6:20:27 pm)
| Del Re: Don't wanta kiss the gorilla
Great job, keep them coming!

Posts: 941
(6/20/01 7:54:44 pm)
| Del Re: Don't wanta kiss the gorilla
I agree!...very funny jokes!

Good ta cya Sharon! Hope to see Pari and Nick soon.

Gene 90210 also!
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Edited by: homer4 at: 6/23/01 8:45:29 pm

Posts: 60
(6/20/01 8:54:53 pm)
| Del Senior's Luncheon
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety
Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter
was sent to the principal's office, after the school had
sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School, God bless you for the
beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I
am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.

All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now, and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God Bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked, if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Life is good.


Posts: 311
(6/21/01 9:40:57 am)
| Del How Yodeling Began...
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through
Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and
the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a
farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the
night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and
that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the
barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the

Well as the story goes, the farmer's daughter came
down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was
that man going into the barn?" "That's some fellow
traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a
place to stay for the night, so I said that he could
sleep in the barn.

The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man
anything to eat"? "Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer
answered. The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to
take him some food." She went into the kitchen,
prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the
barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour
before returning to the house.

When she came back in, her clothes were all
disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several
strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She
immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and
went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her
husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't
know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep
in the barn, and our daughter took him some food." "Oh,"
replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to
drink?" "Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer. The wife
then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him
to drink."

The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went
out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and
when she come back into the house, her clothes were also
messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair.
She went straight up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up
and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he
left the farm.

A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing
downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it
empty. She ran back into the house. "Where's the man
from the barn?" she eagerly asked her father.

Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago."
"What?" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye?
After all we had together? I mean, last night he made
such passionate love to me."

"What?" shouted the father. The farmer ran out into
the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man
was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer
screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex
with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside,
cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out,

And that's how yodeling began.


Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 743
(6/21/01 10:18:05 am)
| Del
Re: How Yodeling Began...
Good un Stan.........I never knew that til now!!
It kind of gives a new meaning to yodeling don't you think?

Edited by: dap22 at: 6/21/01 11:20:20 am

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 749
(6/21/01 2:08:11 pm)
| Del
Well whadda expect??????

This could be what MikeH is talking about regarding officers!!

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of
> > buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend
> > visit
> > for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's
> > bird dog, "Sarge."
> >
> > The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the
> > friend offered to buy the dog. The General declined, saying that Sarge
> > the
> > very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him
> > any price.
> >
> > A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and
> > was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened
> > ole "Sarge?" he asked.
> >
> > "Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. "A friend came to hunt with
> > me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel.
> > that,all he would do was sit on his ass and bark."

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 144
(6/23/01 1:20:43 pm)
| Del Officer Humor
Great one Dave!

Posts: 1260
(6/23/01 11:36:41 pm)
| Del Re: Well whadda expect??????
That was funny Dave!

Posts: 1262
(6/23/01 11:56:56 pm)
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it
might have been because I was a bit late, he didn't say much
about it.

The conversation was going slow, so I thought we should go
to a more private place to talk. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him

I'm wondering if it's something else. Anyway, in the cab ride
back to his place, I tell him I love him, he just puts his arm
around me and doesn't say it back.

Reluctantly, I tell him I am going to sleep. After 10 minutes,
he joins me and we have sex. He still seems distracted,
I want to leave, I don't know what he thinks anymore.

I mean, do you think he's met someone else?

Posts: 1263
(6/23/01 11:58:34 pm)

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 767
(6/24/01 8:09:46 am)
| Del
Re: AN OPINION???????
You women are very, very complicated!

Posts: 1269
(6/24/01 9:50:14 am)
| Del Re: AN OPINION???????
Considering what we have to work with...............

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 769
(6/24/01 4:14:11 pm)
| Del
Re: AN OPINION???????
What exactly is your point?????????????????????

Posts: 1274
(6/24/01 4:21:05 pm)
| Del Re: AN OPINION???????
Uh! Uh! I'll get back to you on that! You did say you had
an opinion, didn't you?

Well, what is it??????

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 772
(6/24/01 4:31:18 pm)
| Del
Re: AN OPINION???????
Well, I'd have to echo "his diary"...........what's with all this there really a need??????????????

Posts: 1278
(6/24/01 4:55:37 pm)
| Del Re: AN OPINION???????
Unfortunately, it's an echo heard all over!

Eight words, before the snoring!

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 298
(6/26/01 11:14:31 am)
| Del Retirement Home Speed Trap
A little olld lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down
the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's
driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man
jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you
were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy
wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives
her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same
old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am
but I saw you cross over the center line back there.
Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out
a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over,
gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all
over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps
out. This time he's stark naked and has an erection! The
old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
"Oh no, not the Breathalyzer again".

Posts: 1294
(6/26/01 6:25:13 pm)
| Del Re: Retirement Home Speed Trap

That is too cute....good one!

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 306
(6/26/01 10:23:41 pm)
| Del Re: Retirement Home Speed Trap
, Donna. Maybe her license won't be suspended.


Edited by: TShooters at: 6/26/01 11:24:12 pm

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 157
(6/27/01 2:09:41 am)
| Del Breathalyzer
That was hilarious! I have got to tell that joke to the cops I know. Mike H

Posts: 981
(6/27/01 5:26:02 am)
| Del Re: Breathalyzer
Ole Meantome and the girls liked it alot Sharon...didn't share it with Homer(nickname for my son)(hell,I call everyone Homer).
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 783
(6/27/01 8:41:49 am)
| Del
Re: Breathalyzer
Hey George Foreman??????? All his kids are named George......even the girls I think!

Posts: 1297
(6/27/01 9:49:58 am)
| Del Re: Breathalyzer
Just don't call me Homer! One here is enough!

Posts: 1004
(6/27/01 9:35:46 pm)
| Del Re: Breathalyzer
Yeah Dave, something like that. Some say that isn't true about their names being all George...I 'm willing to believe it bud.

How about " Homerette " there Donna?

Can think of a few more...if you like. Hehe!
...and two hard boiled eggs.
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