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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Posts: 407
(7/6/01 8:54:07 pm)
| Del All
Jokes V
Viagra Slogans

10. Viagra, it's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, tastes great!......More filling!
2. Viagra, we bring good things to life!

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis....This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

Posts: 1366
(7/7/01 6:45:03 am)
| Del Re: Jokes V
Too funny Indybear!

Posts: 1372
(7/7/01 9:04:12 am)
| Del Re: A Man's Wish
A man was walking along one day thinking to himself, doing
his best to sort out his life and pray for happiness.

He stopped, looked up at the sky and said, "Oh Lord, if you
are there.....grant me one wish."

Suddenly a voice boomed from above saying, "Man, you have
done your best to be faithful, I will grant your prayer and
offer you one wish."

"I wish for you to build a bridge all the way to Hawaii, so I
can drive over anytime I want to."

The voice boomed, "Think of all this would entail. The millions of tons of concrete and steel, the depths of the Pacific to
build on....such a materialistic wish!
I can do it as anything is in my power, but it would be better for your soul to put aside this desire for worldly things.
Pray and think of another wish that would honor and glorify

The man sat and thought, finally he gazed upward and said.

"Oh Lord, I have been married and divorced five times. I did not understand any of my wives, everyone of them said I was insensitive and ignorant........
My wish is to understand women, to know how the feel, what they think, why they laugh and cry and how I can make them happy."

There was a minute of absolute silence....and another.....and another.

Finally the voice boomed, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Edited by: oneknight at: 7/7/01 10:06:25 am

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 823
(7/7/01 9:08:23 am)
| Del
Re: A Man's Wish
Heard it before but it's one of the classics in my opinion!! It's true isn't it??????????????????

Posts: 1376
(7/7/01 9:42:35 am)
| Del Re: A Man's Wish
This voice boomed, "come talk to me when you have something important to say."

She flings her long red hair over her shoulder, softens her
look, smiles, winks at dap22 and walks away.

Posts: 208
(7/11/01 8:21:41 pm)
| Del A couple more.

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have
dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, Sit
my wife. You two have a lot in common.

Wife: Oh, come on. Please?
Husband: Leave me alone.
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open,
do it youself.

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 860
(7/13/01 3:42:03 pm)
| Del
Re: Units of Measurement??
More new units of measurement:
Two wharves = one paradox

Basic unit of laryngitis = one hoarsepower

Weight an evangelist carries with God = one billigram

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo pi

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine = one semicolon

1000 grams of wet socks = one literhosen

Time between slipping on a peel and falling = one bananosecond

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Dictionary: The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Worry: Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Optimist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,
instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Posts: 1409
(7/13/01 6:15:50 pm)
| Del Re: Units of Measurement??
Good 'uns Dave!

Posts: 1107
(7/15/01 10:26:50 am)
| Del Re: Units of Measurement??
Yes! hehe! All very funny!
...and two hard boiled eggs.

*Senior Chief Moderator*
Posts: 17
(7/16/01 6:44:04 am)
| Del Re: Jokes V

Posts: 424
(7/16/01 8:33:12 am)
| Del
Re: Jokes V
Ain't that the truth Chief!

Posts: 427
(7/16/01 10:21:05 am)
| Del
Re: Jokes V

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Posts: 437
(7/17/01 10:50:35 am)
| Del
Re: Jokes V-Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do.

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 117
(7/17/01 10:54:04 am)
| Del
Re: Jokes V-Nine Months Later
- that was great!!!

Gonna have to pass that on to some others...

Posts: 1438
(7/17/01 2:23:11 pm)
| Del Re: Jokes V-Nine Months Later
Gooooood Ones Indybear!

*Senior Chief Moderator*
Posts: 22
(7/18/01 6:04:50 am)
| Del Re: Jokes V
The New Guy

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to
into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager
the new

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby
you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It
familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my
employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all.
I am
to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight,
is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 127
(7/18/01 12:55:03 pm)
| Del
Re: Jokes V

Posts: 11
(7/18/01 1:44:27 pm)
| Del Jokes V

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper, on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Signed; Your eternally loving husband,

PS: Sure is hot down here


Posts: 1456
(7/18/01 1:51:12 pm)
| Del Re: Jokes V

That was great! Funny.


V.I.P. Member
Posts: 180
(7/18/01 2:29:28 pm)
| Del Jokes
Thanks to all for the laughter -- it is a gift.
Mike H

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 145
(7/18/01 2:42:09 pm)
| Del Re: Jokes V
How to shower like a woman and how to shower like a man.

*** How to Shower like A Woman ***

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegy off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

*** How To Shower Like A Man ***

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. Admire the size of your tallywacker in the mirror, scratch your nads and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

6. Wash your face

7. Wash your armpits

8. Crack up at how loud your f**t sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your *** , leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower).

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.

16. Partial dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire tallywacker size.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your tallywacker, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.


Posts: 1178
(7/18/01 2:53:17 pm)
| Del Re: Jokes
Say Hey to ya Mike!!! Ya leech marked(Dang!, I hated em) crusty, ole, in need of a bath Line Dog!!! Where have you been buddy!!! Can't think any more nicities to say of your butt scratchin...balls huggin dirt self around here. Long diddy-bop eh!...we all missed ya and I was ready to call Arty for some high-illum.

Hope everythings well with ya bud, give me a shout...maybe I can help if something has hit ya...if however you have been havin a ball on vacation forget all the above concerns and I'll add a few other nicities Navals like Stan and Chief taught me.

Good to see ya you..." &T%@@!+6*^(%!!! "
So if ya don't want to be called them things hang aound.
...and two hard boiled eggs.

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 128
(7/18/01 3:26:06 pm)
| Del
Re: Jokes V

- I have that Apricot Scrub - SO FUNNY!!!!

(but I don't cover anything up walkin' to the bathroom....hehe )

Posts: 454
(7/18/01 4:08:40 pm)
| Del
Re: Jokes V
Best watch out Winter, you'll have Homer knocking down your door!

Posts: 1186
(7/18/01 4:27:39 pm)
| Del Re: Jokes V
...sweating terribly...the sun bearing down unmercifully...he continues the round and round and round trodding in the bat ...being careful not to miss any apricots...
...and two hard boiled eggs.

*Senior Chief Moderator*
Posts: 24
(7/18/01 7:38:11 pm)
| Del Re: Jokes V
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door
Ugly: So are you

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your teenage daughter borrowed them

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

8. Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Posts: 1463
(7/19/01 11:19:39 am)
| Del Re: Jokes V

Those are great! Love the "way ugly" on the last one.


Posts: 1464
(7/19/01 11:26:16 am)
| Del Re: Jokes V
There is a store in my area that sells nothing but t-shirts
and baseball caps......these are some of the t-shirts.

God is busy, but I can help you.

Jesus loves you, it's the rest of us that think your an ASSHOLE.

Sleeps well with others.

Beware: Stupid people are breeding.

I said no to drugs, but they wouldn't listen.

Don't make me mad, I'm running out of places to hide the

Never underestimate the power of a large group of stupid

Someone must have pissed in your gene pool.

Your just jealous because the voices talk to me.


V.I.P. Member
Posts: 132
(7/19/01 11:35:59 am)
| Del
Re: Jokes V
-- SO FUNNY!!! I would die laughin' if I saw someone walkin' down the street with a shirt on like any of those!!! (lol)

(hhmm - someone's knockin' on my door... Homer is that you? )

*Senior Chief Moderator*
Posts: 26
(7/19/01 11:50:32 am)
| Del Re: Jokes V
Subject: FW: Find three to perk up your day
> >
> >
> >
> > 1) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
> don't
> > like
> > and just give her a house." - Lewis Grizzard
> > (2) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
> > desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
> it.
> > At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff
> Foxworthy
> > (3) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
> > only
> > enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams
> > (4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
> > infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
> > considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry
> > (5) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on
> > them?" -Marilyn Pittman
> > (6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
> > treat
> > it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
> should
> > give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before
> they
> > leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger
> > 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
> > the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying
> to
> > teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone
> > {8}"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
> > skills than men." I just want to say to the authors of that study:
> "huh?" -
> > Conan O'Brien
> > (9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through
> > my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness.... I could be eating a
> slow
> > learner." - Lynda Montgomery
> > (10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes
> out
> > with a riding vacuum cleaner." - Roseanne
> > (11) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
> New
> > York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
> isn't
> > cold enough. Let's go west.'" - Richard Jeni
> > (12) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> impersonators
> > would
> > be dead." -Johnny Carson
> > (13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
> -
> > Paul
> > Rodriguez
> > (14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
> sixty,
> > and
> > that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld
> > (15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
> quietly
> > in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do
> tall
> > people burn slower?" - Warren Hutcherson
> > (16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
> > same."-Oscar Wilde
> > (17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
> > institution
> > yet." - Mae West
> > {18}"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
> > Congress... But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain
> > (19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
> > least
> > they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown
> > (20) "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip
> out a
> > man's genitals through his wallet," - Robin Williams
> > (21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it
> as
> > the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne
> > (22) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -
> Billy
> > Crystal
> > (23) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
> you
> a
> > look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
> > that!'"-Dave Barry
> > (24) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." - George
> > Carlin
> > (25) "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died
> peacefully
> > in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." -
> Author
> > Unknown
> > (26) Advice for the day: If you have a lot a tension and you get a
> > headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
> > "Keep away from children"
> > (27) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
> support
> > group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -
> Drew
> > Carey
> >

Edited by: dap22 at: 7/19/01 8:58:02 pm

Posts: 1466
(7/19/01 1:38:16 pm)
| Del Re: Jokes V

Another funny t-shirt.....

Monica Lewinsky's face on the front, white line above upper lip and says:

NOT MILK!!!!!!

Okay, so I saw the t-shirt on someone named!


V.I.P. Member
Posts: 411
(7/19/01 3:05:35 pm)
| Del Re: Jokes V
Great jokes, Ya'll!

Here's a cute one I got in email the other day:


Edited by: TShooters at: 7/19/01 4:13:15 pm

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 134
(7/19/01 3:21:48 pm)
| Del
Re: Jokes V


That was great!!!!

Posts: 1471
(7/19/01 4:23:56 pm)
| Del Re: Jokes V

That is too funny! Bet she can get work with those brains!

Hi Sharon, how are you? Long time no talk, but not because
I'm lacking!


V.I.P. Member
Posts: 122
(7/19/01 7:35:02 pm)
| Del The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger? In honor of the Harvest Festival you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more beautiful than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, ALONE." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Silver, listen carefully, for the last time, I need a posse!
P - O - S - S - E ! ! !"

Posts: 1476
(7/19/01 7:42:23 pm)
| Del Re: The Lone Ranger
Very funny dreamcatcher!

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 423
(7/22/01 7:17:30 pm)
| Del Re: The Lone Ranger
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this will come up on the first page

Posts: 145
(7/23/01 9:52:55 am)
| Del Re: The Lone Ranger

Nice brains, I could sure use those on a few projects I have scheduled.......LOL
Geno G

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 424
(7/23/01 10:59:39 am)
| Del Projects???
Oh, My, Genog....

What kinda projects you got goin' on??
(I gotta hear this!!)


V.I.P. Member
Posts: 425
(7/23/01 11:02:54 am)
| Del HI! Donna!
HI! Donna!

Doin' good here. Just tryin' to stay cool down here in Texas.
Got too many irons in the fire, though, and not enough time.

How you doin', Gal?


V.I.P. Member
Posts: 426
(7/23/01 11:06:53 am)
| Del Communication
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They
met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each
other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked
Maude out for dinner and she accepted.

They had a lovely evening.
Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor,
Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers. As they
were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost
for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have
taken off my panty hose."

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 427
(7/23/01 11:16:37 am)
| Del Titanic
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary (basically the same thing).

Posts: 469
(7/23/01 11:21:42 am)
| Del
Angus and the Button
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ye be sewin' on the wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."

"Oh Angus...Got me hands in the dishpan. Go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin' ye with it"

About five minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Angus comes walking back through the door with a black eye and a bloody nose.

The little lady looks at him and says, "My gaud, what in hell's name happened to ye? Did ye ask her like I told ye?"

"Aye" says Angus..."I asked her to sew on the wee button an' she did. Everything was goin' fine, but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in.

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 428
(7/23/01 11:25:04 am)
| Del The Monk
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices,
however, that they are copying copies, not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this.

He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that
error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says,
"We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good
point, my son."

So the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to
check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one
of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from
the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the
original books crying. He asks, "What's wrong?"

"The word is celebrate," says the old monk.

Posts: 1249
(7/23/01 12:22:01 pm)
| Del side splitters
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! My sides and back are killing me from laughin!!! All of em!!! Ahhh Me!

" P-o-s-s-e and celebrate " Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha

Geez!!! Genuine Pissers!!! Ahhh!!!

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 127
(7/23/01 2:51:08 pm)
| Del Re: side splitters
guess I should try at least one dumb joke

A man's wife goes to the doctor and tells him that she has noticed lately that her husbands genital area has turned an orange color. The doctor has the man come in and does a complete examination. Not finding anything, he ask the wife about any hobbies or passtimes the hubby may have.
The woman says he does not do anything, except stay up late at night, alone, watching porno films and eating Cheetos!

Posts: 1530
(7/23/01 3:03:38 pm)
| Del Re: side splitters
Good Ones Gang.

Keep up the good work!

Posts: 1533
(7/23/01 7:05:28 pm)
| Del Re: The Meaning of Friendship
When you are sad.......I will get you drunk and help you plot
revenge against the sorry bastard that made you sad.

When you are blue.......I will try to dislodge whatever is
choking you.

When you smile...........I'll know you got laid.

When you are scared....I will rag on you every chance I get.

When you are worried...I will tell you horrible stories about
how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused..I will use little words to explain it
to your dumb ass.

When you fall...............I will laugh at your clumsy ass.

Posts: 472
(7/24/01 9:17:18 am)
| Del
Re: School Field Trip
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went
on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses
and the supporting industry.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little
boys up by their arm pits, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in
the 5th."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks
for the lift

Rons Toys
V.I.P. Member
Posts: 68
(7/24/01 9:55:15 am)
| Del Retirement
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early
retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for
every inch measured in a straight line between any two
parts of the general's body, with the general getting to
select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to
measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked
out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his
outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he
told the pension man ..."From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my
testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might
like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine,
but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did.
The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began
to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?" The general
replied, "In Vietnam."

Posts: 1536
(7/24/01 11:22:07 am)
| Del Re: Retirement
Great jokes Indybear and Rons Toys.


Posts: 476
(7/24/01 2:38:44 pm)
| Del
A Poem

Posts: 20
(7/24/01 3:35:46 pm)
| Del Indy Poem!!
I like this poem Mike!! (Indy ??)

Posts: 477
(7/24/01 3:53:38 pm)
| Del
Re: Indy Poem!!
Glad you liked it GS! Most folks call me Indy 'cause there's another Mike on the board and it helps keep things straight.

Mike L (Indybear57)

Edited by: Indybear57 at: 7/24/01 4:55:19 pm

Posts: 1545
(7/24/01 7:27:51 pm)
| Del Re: Indy Poem!!
Good One Indybear!

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 435
(7/25/01 9:48:02 am)
| Del A couple of quickies
All good ones, Stan H., Indy, Donna, Rons !

A couple of quickies................

This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.

During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to
our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You
know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."


The Perfect Breakfast!

The Perfect Breakfast!
You're sitting at the breakfast table.
Your son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
Your wife is on the back of the milk carton.........

Rons Toys
V.I.P. Member
Posts: 69
(7/25/01 11:56:05 am)
| Del Butcher dance
The Butcher Dance

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary
on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of
every indigenous culture in the world on film.

He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well
earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about
his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see
Butcher Dance?"

"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest
Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will
prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197
miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles
'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta
leave the car, because much too rough for driving.

You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek.
You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out
of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now
head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.

Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through
rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock -
20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and
you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of
hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced
to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and
he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and
he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which
he had never heard mention of before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days
and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The
merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are
starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the
hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at
times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after
three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear
and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and
their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on
the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed
them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him
that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late.
You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me,

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more,
gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come
back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to
civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out
again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a
week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is
present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged
every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through
the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway
through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages
for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the
mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the
treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew
sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously,
to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they
stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed
tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up
their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk
falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn
themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around
a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old
figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the
circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures
the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our
rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream
world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if
they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect
us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves
himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms
out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it.
He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is
about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived
by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice,
starts to sing,

He says, "You butch yer right foot in. You butch yer right foot out. You butch
yer right foot in and you shake it all about"

Posts: 209
(7/25/01 12:39:17 pm)
| Del What size?
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

Senior Chief Moderator II
Posts: 941
(7/25/01 1:10:41 pm)
| Del
Re: God I love fishing!
Subject: A Fish Story

A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide,holding a net, yelled "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish! "

"Really? Well, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster. "Father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.

What should I do with it?" "Why eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's ok Sister. That's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of
a Bitch?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."

The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope's dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your

"No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

"Really? Oh well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal and that Sonof aBitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. There was wine, and the fish was excellent.

The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The
Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister. The Pope sat silent in disbelief.

And the friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!" The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face.

"You fuckers are alright!!"

>> >

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 137
(7/25/01 1:36:45 pm)
| Del Re: God I love fishing!
ok,,if religious jokes are allright,,,

A priest and a nun are on the golf course. At the 10th hole, the priest needs a 12 foot putt for par. He putts and misses.
" Ah, F--k!", he mutters.
"Father," says the nun, "watch your language"
"Sorry," he replys.
They play on. She is ahead of him by a stroke when they get to the 14th. Here he has a 8 foot putt for par. He putts and misses again!
"Ah, F--k!!" he exclaims, a bit louder this time.
"Father" says the nun, "God will punish you if you continue to use that language.
"Sorry" he responds, again.
Now they are on the 18th. He has caught up with the nun and only needs a 2 foot putt for a birdy and to beat her. He putts, the ball rolls around the hole, and off to the side.
"Ah, F--K!!!!" he yells, loudly this time.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening comes down out of the sky. It strikes the nun, knocking her dead. The priest looks up at the sky, sees the clouds roll back, hears a great rumble, then;
"AH, F--K!!!"

Posts: 1549
(7/25/01 3:41:16 pm)
| Del Re: God I love fishing!
Great jokes you guys!

Rons Toys,

Love the butcher dance joke.

V.I.P. Member
Posts: 437
(7/26/01 7:59:48 am)
| Del How much did you get, Homer?
I bet Homer got a fortune for this one!

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