Much like eating the wrapper on belogna...a string of jokes...

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by glocknut, Apr 8, 2009.

  1. glocknut

    glocknut Active Member

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    THE FORUM MASCOTT...
    Ain't i a nasty son of a *****?? :D:D:D:D
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    Just before a new redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up."

    The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.

    He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened.

    As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, "I'll bet that truck won't be there either!"
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    A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

    The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf. The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest.

    "How much is it?" she asked.

    "One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.

    "What kind of inscription?" she asked.

    "Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In.'"

    "Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."
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    A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.

    She gets undressed, and the doctor goes around seeing her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks.

    "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

    The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"

    The woman blushes and says, "Well,... yes, actually I have."

    "That's the problem!" the doctor says, "Tell him that his earrings aren't made of real gold!"
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    A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye one day.

    They came to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blowing as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

    The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to his dog.

    A passerby, having observed the near fatal accident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed."

    The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his @$$."
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    Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

    The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

    The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in- law."

    The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
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    I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?" was discussed. Two of the people got rather worked up.

    One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!"

    The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"
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    The line at the Department of Motor Vehicles inched along for almost an hour until a man finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

    The clerk looked at his picture and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway."
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    A little old lady's phone rings late one night and she answers it, "Hello."

    A deep voice on the other end says, "I know you. You'd like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you all night long."

    The old lady looks at the phone blushing in amazement and replies, "You can tell all this from a single Hello?"
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    Brace yourself, this one's a GROANER...:D
    "What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic year.

    "He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.

    "How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

    "He saws people in half."

    "Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

    "One half brother and two half sisters."
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    A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

    He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages. His wife was a little annoyed.

    "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

    He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."
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    A woman, while on maternity leave from the office, brought in her new bundle of joy and her seven-year old son. While everyone was gathered around the baby, the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money for a soda?"

    "What do you say?" she asked.

    Respectfully, the boy answered, "You're thin and beautiful."

    Without further comment, his mother reached for her purse and gave her son the money. :D:D:D:D
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    Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona. They were running late and as luck would have it their car broke down. They found a repair garage nearby. The mechanic told them it would take four hours to fix their car.

    He told them, "You're in luck. I have a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light directs."

    So the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took off. An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.

    "What in the world happened and where's my camel?"

    "Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!'" When we got off to look, the beast took off when the light turned green."
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    Before she died, an old lady wanted to visit England, the home of her ancestors. She went to the Federal Office and asked for a passport.

    "You must take the loyalty oath first," the passport clerk said. "Raise your right hand, please. Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, domestic or foreign?"

    The sweet old face paled as she responded, "Well, I guess so. Will I have help, or will I have to do it all by myself?"
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    Bob left the ear doctors' clinic. The test results were back and he had just learned he actually was getting hard of hearing. Bob's wife was in the waiting room. She started talking to him right away, chattering on about the people she met while he was in with the doctor. Bob was the husband of an extremely talkative wife. He sighed as she went on and on, and he thought, "I've given that woman the best ears of my life."
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    A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time honored ice breaker, he sends her a drink.

    "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.

    Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor."

    He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I ****, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."

    "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.

    "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.
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    A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random...

    "Salvation Army," came the answer.

    "Eh, what do you do?" asked the man.

    "We save wicked men and women," came the reply.

    "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."
     
  2. CampingJosh

    CampingJosh Well-Known Member

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  3. artabr

    artabr New Member

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  4. Mr. Nameless

    Mr. Nameless New Member

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