Once Upon a Time ( 1 2 3 4 5 6 )

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  1. ruffitt

    ruffitt *TFF Admin Staff* In Heaven Now

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    280freak
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    (9/4/01 10:49:17 am)
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    The Preface -

    Once upon a time, there was a magical, mystical place called the Going Broker Saloon. It was the type of place where a very eclectic group liked to hang out. Some folks came to do business there. Others came to tell tales and swap lies. Some were there in an attempt to glean information. Still others were content to merely pull up a chair, relax, and enjoy the antics of some of the more colorful regulars.

    Sometimes disagreements would break out between a few patrons of the saloon. These were normally short-lived affairs, with neither side suffering lasting damage. Every great once in a while, though, things would get bad enough that one of the parties would go off in a huff, slamming the saloon door behind him. Even rarer still were those occasions where the proprietors had to forcibly eject someone, usually accompanied with a stern admonition to never come back.

    When this would happen, often one or more of the evictee's friends would ask the proprietors to reconsider. The proprietors ( a loosely knit group of men who had formed a cartel known as the Adroitly Devious Minions of Ill Nature, better known by the acronym of ADMIN ) would always solemnly point out that their rules had been broken; rules that, furthermore, were posted by the door, quite clear to all who entered.

    Well sir, things went on like this for some time. After a while, though, some began to question ADMIN's enforcement of the rules. It seemed to them that at times the cartel was applying the rules rather capriciously, indeed that the very meaning of the rules seemed somewhat flexible, depending on just whom they were talking to. This was confusing and upsetting to some who then complained to ADMIN about it.

    "No complaining!", screamed the cartel, "We will have NO complaining here!" When one of the less timid patrons of the bar dared to be heard wondering aloud about this, ADMIN grew increasingly enraged, almost apoplectic, and screamed even louder, "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" Upon being told by their house legal advisors, the law firm of Find 'em, Fee 'em, and Forget 'em, that beheading of patrons was beyond their authority, the cartel withdrew to their hideaway, deep in the sub-basement of the Going Broker Saloon, away from the prying eyes and ears of their customers. As far as anyone knows, they are there still, plotting, planning, waiting.

    p.s. -

    But what about those who had been forcibly ejected from the Saloon? Are they out there, wandering lost in the wilderness, as the cartel hoped? Not to worry. The Minions of Ill Nature, in their zeal to shame those thrown out, and hopefully cow into submission those remaining, had branded them with what they thought would be a badge of shame. "Miscreants", they called them. These "miscreants", however, turned it around, and, instead of a badge of shame, wore the name proudly, as a medal of honor, and, in so doing, inspired others to follow. They soon found a new home, one where the heavy hand of the Going Broker Saloon's proprietors had no power over them. They are there to this day, happy in this new place, with new arrivals almost daily.

    On with the tale -

    As our story opens, Bob, of St. Louis fame, is walking down a deserted Senoran side street in the wee hours of the morning. He is in a foul mood, as evidenced by the vicious way he kicks at every tin can and stray cat he comes across. He has just come from the weekly after hours poker game held every Saturday night at the Going Broker Saloon, where he had lost, lost real big.

    "Aces full over Kings!", he is muttering, "How in Tarnation can you lose with a full house like that?" Shaking his head in disbelief, he stares upwards, asking the heavens themselves, "Aces over Kings, how could I possibly lose the last hand with that? They had to be cheating, the sad part is that they had to be cheating better'n me and I couldn't catch'em at it!" The other regulars at the game that night were the Sheriff Mole, that inveterate prankster SXSMAN, and the saloon's cook, G. Postal. (At this point, the astute reader is asking just how can G.P. be taking part in a poker game in the Going Broker Saloon when everybody knows he was one of the first ones tossed. Well, the reader is advised to do what one normally does when such historical innaccuracies pop up in a story like this one. Ignore them and just enjoy the story as it is written.)

    Right about then, a furtive figure slips out of a dark alleyway, unseen by Bob. Creeping up from behind, the stranger gives a quick tug on Bob's jacket sleeve, along with a hoarse whisper - "Ey, meester!" Bob whirls around to face this interloper, an ivory handled Astra in each hand leveled at the man's face. As the man stands there, hands at his sides, and smiling, Bob relaxes, placing his guns back under his jacket. "Dadgummit, LTS, you know how close you came to meetin' yer maker just then?"

    At the sound of a muffled giggle from the unlit alley, Bob's Astras seem to reappear in his hands of their own accord. "Awright, whoever is in there, come on out where I can see ya, real slow like, now, ya hear?", Bob growls, still on edge and in a mood for a fight.

    "Well, say there, Bob, that's a right nice pair of Astra's ya got there. Yer not fixin' on shootin' me with 'em, are you?"
    Relaxing yet again, and with a grin from ear to ear, Bob replies, "Nah, I ain't gonna shoot ya, TallT. And, by the way, if I may so, that's a real nice pair yer sportin' there yer own self! Been into a little of Bob's Best again, have we? Much as it pains me to say this, ya better get that shirt back on before the Sheriff catches ya."

    Pulling her shirt over her her head and sticking her arms in the sleeves, TLynn grumbles, "Geez, a girl just cain't have no fun at all no more!" LTS speaks up, "I don't think she's got much to worry about there, the Sheriff is still busy, last I saw, splittin' up yer money with them other two." "What's this?", says Bob, "Splittin' up my money? I knew it! They was a'cheatin' me wasn't they? Wait a minute, how do you know all this? I thought you weren't too welcome at that saloon?"

    "That may be so, Bob, but our little ol' gal pal, here, has ways of, well, shall we say, clouding men's judgement. She snuck me in." With a sly smile, LTS turns to look at TLynn, winking at her as she starts to blush, looking down and shuffling her feet. "Aw, shucks, LT, twarn't nuthin', always glad to help you out, you know that."

    "Well, get on with it!" Bob says, "Just what all do you know about what happened in that game tonight?" Still smiling at TLynn, LTS replies, "Where was I? Oh yeah, so anyways, TallT and I was up on the second floor balcony, you know the one. We were knocking back a little Bob's Best and sorta foolin' around a bit ya know. Well, I guess we musta fell asleep, cuz when we woke up, the place was empty 'cept fer you four playing poker."

    "We stayed there all nice and quiet and just watched the game. They was a'cheatin' you alright. Every time you was dealin', you was payin' so much attention to dealin' off the bottom of the deck, you didn't see them passin' cards under the table to each other!" "I knew it! I just knew it! Those low-down #X%$*@'s, we're all going back there right now and get my money back, you two are my witnesses!", Bob hollers out.

    LTS says with a sigh, "You know we can't do that, Bob. My word against theirs? Besides, all we would accomplish is getting ole TallT, here, in trouble." "Well we just gotta do something", goes Bob, "I can't let 'em get away with this!"

    "Um, exuse me there, boys, but iff'n ya don't mind a suggestion from me, I might just have a plan", says TallTLynn, smiling broadly.

    So, just what is TLynn's plan? Does it involve Bob's Best? Will Bob get his grubstake back? Time will tell, yes indeed, time will tell.

    With that, I've totally blown my creative wad, anyone else care to continue, or will this story just lay there whimpering like a lost dog on your doorstep?

    .280 freak



    Edited by: 280freak at: 9/4/01 5:43:04 pm

    BlackGun
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    one word! Outstanding. I can hardly wait for chapter two to come out where they meet the up in the new established saloon where, as I hear it all the bandito's and outlaws hung out, cause no one else would have em, heard they was called the miscreant gang, OH well, it's your story, more, more, more.
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    Edited by: BlackGun at: 9/4/01 2:56:02 pm

    AGunguy
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    Dad burn it, I'm on the edge of my stool, er bar stool. Come on and get creative, want to hear the rest of this yarn.

    I'm hoping the hero turns out to be someone like my all time hero...Hoppalong Cassidy. Yes, folks, I'm a 65 year old Hoppy fan...and proud of it. Hoppy would know what to do with them onery Admin galloots over at the GB staloon. Why he'd bust through them swinging doors and those two nickle plated pearl handle sixshooters would be spitten lead like a full auto AK. Wouldn't be enough of that gang left for dog meat.

    Gunguy

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 9/4/01 3:56:58 pm

    280freak
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    (9/4/01 4:49:04 pm)
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    BlackGun -

    Your post inspired me to make a minor change, added a p.s. to the preface. I think it was a needed edit, thanks for the idea!

    Don't know how much more of the story I'll be writing, though, don't really know where to go from here. Was hoping some of the more creative types here (you all know who you are!) would carry it forward; heck, I want to know what happens next, myself!

    Later,

    .280 freak

    BlackGun
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    (9/4/01 5:28:43 pm)
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    Freakie: don't quit me now, I'm in total suspense, Heck, I'll even buy the book to see how this one ends, encore, encore, encore: as you hear the gunslingers, desparado's, old dusty cowboys and the miscreant gang, raising their mugs of Bob's best in a toast to a true western lore from the inner swingin doors of the (need's a name) saloon.
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    Edited by: BlackGun at: 9/4/01 6:38:34 pm

    warpig883
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    (9/4/01 5:52:03 pm)
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    Tlynn said “shh be quiet about this, gather everybody up and meet at my place, bring weapons and buddits”.

    A short while later miscreants of all shapes and sizes start filtering into Tlynn’s place. It is a house they know well from the drunken orgies that are held there every time Tlynn is out of town.
    The first one in the door is Polishshooter, followed by shooter22 and Kdubaz. They help themselves to the hot tub and settle down to wait for the rest of the gang. Polish says “hey, who is that peeking over the wall at us in the hot tub”? Kdub sneaks over and throws a olive jar over the fence. He returns a minute later dragging LTS with a large lump on the head “Don’t tell Tlynn about my peeking spot” LTS mumbles.
    A ruckus from inside turns out to be Reedbuster and Bob from ST. Louis fighting over the cork from a bottle of Bob’s Best. A loud roar announces the arrival of Herby and Warpig on their steeds of two wheeled hell. They park the Harleys in the living room and head for the kitchen. “Nice job ya did cleaning this mess up Tlynn” Warpig says.
    280freak,Fredneck,Agunguy,IbtrukinRuffit and Blackgun stroll in the back door talking about the girls that entertained them at the last get together.
    Bondai,Flhunter and Tac show up driving a AMC Pacer with a MA Duece mounted on the roof.
    Tlynn steps to the front of the room and says. “Alright Miscreants, one of our own has been cheated. Fist thing we need to do is get an inventory of the weapons you have brought. The only one of the group who can count stands up and says “I’ll be glad to count the guns and tell you who has what” says Polishshooter. “Suckup” mutters LTS.
    “What, I heard that, you there stand up! LTS, you have just volunteered yourself to gather up anyone not present and accounted for and get them here ASAP” Tlynn says in a sulty voice that starts LTS's knees shaking.


    Edited by: warpig883 at: 9/4/01 8:58:11 pm

    TallTLynn
    Senior Chief Moderator Staff
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    (9/4/01 6:58:03 pm)
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    You guys are good! I'm in suspense for the next installment.

    However, one minor thing - I don't scream warpig - that's not dignified.

    warpig883
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    (9/4/01 7:59:22 pm)
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    Taken care of TLynn, however there is nothing wrong with a screamer. Right Blackgun?

    Edited by: warpig883 at: 9/4/01 9:00:25 pm

    TallTLynn
    Senior Chief Moderator Staff
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    (9/4/01 8:48:37 pm)
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    Thank you warpig - much appreciated.

    Don't scream but have been accused of being a drill sargeant a time or two.

    BlackGun
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    (9/4/01 9:05:41 pm)
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    Warpig. I think "SCREAM" is such a harh word. I like whimper, moan, loud heavy breathing better, like "uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! OooooooooooooooooooooooooH!
    Mooooooooooooooooooo!"
    The last time I was with a lady that screamed, the police were called
    All the neighbors were smokin cigarettes, hehehehehehe
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    Edited by: BlackGun at: 9/4/01 10:09:13 pm

    warpig883
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    (9/4/01 9:43:07 pm)
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    I like the Moooooo at the end. How about this one Baa Baa Blackgun.

    AGunguy
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    (9/4/01 10:20:51 pm)
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    Wanna call BG Pappy Boinken 'em???

    GG

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 9/4/01 11:22:55 pm

    BlackGun
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    (9/5/01 10:54:40 am)
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    You nimrods! that Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ! wasn't a cow bellerin, it was long for "more" as MO MONEY,HONEY


    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    AGunguy
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    (9/5/01 11:44:02 am)
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    Baa baa black (gun) sheep...it is Pappy Boinken 'em.

    GG



    warpig883
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    (9/5/01 12:18:11 pm)
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    Baaaaaaaaaaaa Baaaaaaaaaa Blaaaaaaaaaaaack gun


    Edited by: warpig883 at: 9/5/01 1:32:47 pm

    BlackGun
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    (9/5/01 12:36:49 pm)
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    As BlackGun sits in his rockin chair day dreamin of days gone by........!







    Then awakened (sigh) from such sweet dreams, he jums up and says........! WARPIG & GG


    Bite Me.............!


    LIKTOSHOOT
    Senior Chief Moderator Staff
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    (9/5/01 2:16:13 pm)
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    .....LTS Thumbs his nose at all and says, " I`ll be BOCK!" sneakin out the door he prepares a repose...........soon to be seen by all, knots included........
    "am not" R2

    shooter22
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    (9/5/01 4:27:18 pm)
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    While the rest of the gang was gathering buddits and shootin’ irons, one of the most sly and malcontent of the bunch slithers into the GB saloon to slip the whole joint the big Mickey. Slowly, SXSMAN, spikes every container with the special brew o’ BOB’s best. Slowly the man slithers out and back to report that his deed is done. He says, “them poor souls have no idea what they are about to partake in. Tac’s hardened gang had built up certain tolerances to the elixir, but the GB bunch is a group of lightweights and wussies.

    With revenge on their minds, the gang mounts whatever crafts available. Herby and Warpig take the lead on the Harleys. The rest of the gang filters toward the vehicles, and Bondai, Flhunter and Tac climb into the AMC pacer while the rest file onto Bob’s Ranger filled with handguns. The force was impressive, as was the arsenal. ‘97 Winchester’s with brown Patina, Astra’s with pearl handgrips, AK-47’s, there may have even been a Jennings in the crowd.

    The idea of total annihilation, was considered, but decided against (so we can have more bad guys to fight in the future). Thus the idea of getting them looped and cheating them out of their money, stealing their good looking women, and leaving them with Rosie O, Hillery, and the hunchback that used to be ATT. General came to being.

    It was a fail-proof plan. The reason it is fail-proof, is cause anybody that has ever tried to proof Bob’s best has failed.

    The plan:

    Kick Butt!

    There may be some shootin’ says shooter22, what ever we do, make sure that 44 Rugerfan has a full gun at all times, that way he can hit my targets also. And for cripes sake whoever shoots the 45-70 be out in front. The percussion will tear the hair of a horse at 30 yards.

    Arriving back just in time, SXSMAN, files his report, and smiles devilishly. They’re sh!t faced. Off into the gloom of night rides Tac’s Frenzied Forum(TFF).

    Cutting the motors and coming to a gliding halt, they all pull their weapons….


    shooter22



    warpig883
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    (9/5/01 4:56:20 pm)
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    “First things first, we need to cut the electricity so they are in the dark” says Tlynn. Everybody in the group unloads their mags on the tranformer on the pole. Lts is throwing buddits at it as fast as he can dig them out of his pocket and brass if flying everywhere from the ones that are smart enough to shoot the buddits and not throw them.
    After 5 min of continuous fire all is silent and the lights are still blazing bright inside the saloon. Warpig and Herby fire up the Harleys and doing wheelies shoot out the transformer with the Savage Striker and RG-10 in .22 short they have strapped to their front forks.
    Quickly a group is picked to circle around the back and stop the drunken fools inside from trying to escape. .280freak and Kdub load up on .280 ammo and some brass shotshells with a nice brown patina and run to the back of the saloon. Tac is on the Ma Duece locked an loaded while Bondai and Flhunter put rocks behind the tires to keep the recoil from moving the car. “You call that a rock! When I say rock I mean a ROCK” hollers Tac.
    Lts is busy appling ointment to some nasty bug bites TLynn seems to have picked up from a questionable garment she is wearing. The two of them are chosen to be the first ones in the door.
    Black gun wearing his overshoes and velcro mittens is looking deadly with the shepards hook he picked for a weapon decides he will bring death from above and asks someone to get him on the roof. Shooter22 calls the mother ship and askes for a transport to the roof for the two of them. Dressed from head to toe in tinfoil they are a dreadful looking pair. "keep your grubby mits of'n my sheperds hook" says Blackgun.
    Lts and Tlynn belly crawl slowly into the dark door. Tlynn light s match to see what they are up against and LTS quickly blows it out. “Dagnabit Tlynn we don’t want the lights on they guys got poof banners that will erase you forever”. The brief flash of light from the match revealed to Tlynn that the whole GB gang was passed out from the elixar that Sxsman had slipped them. She smiled a cold,evil grin and said to Lts, “call in the boys, these guys are at our mercy, we can have our way with them”. Lts bellows out the door "come and get it”. This was the wrong thing to say as the group of Miscreants open up with every thing they have. Blackgun and Shooter22 suddenly crash through the ceiling and the sheperds hook grabs the chandaleir and they are suspended like a big shiny pinyata. .280freak and Polishshooter stumble in the back door and dodgeing .50 shells jump behind the bar. Polish pulls out a bottle of a little known variant of Bob’s Best called Pre-Ban Liguid Courage and tells .280 to drink up cause he is going back out in to the firestorm.
    .280freak feeling as bulletproof as can be runs to the shattered front window and calls a cease fire. The firestorm quits just as a buddit thrown by Lts hits buddit proof .280freak in the melon knocking him out cold.
    Polishshooter looks at his bottle of top secret pre-ban elixer and wonders about its buddit proofing abilities.

    A dark figure named Admin whispers from the corner "nunn help me"





    Edited by: warpig883 at: 9/5/01 6:23:53 pm

    BlackGun
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    (9/5/01 5:40:55 pm)
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    This stuff is tooooooooo good, I have to buy the book, I can't wait for the movie to come out. I hope somebody is saveing all this to file. for a later time where we can come back and laugh our hearts out again.
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    280freak
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    (9/5/01 7:17:54 pm)
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    Nyuk nyuk nyuk, ya gotta love it!

    AGunguy
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    (9/5/01 8:50:20 pm)
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    Admin gurgles a gasping plea for help from Nunn. Nunn is the one needing help. He is laying on the floor among many empty mason jars of Bob's famous elixir. His eyes are like half slitted fiery coals glowing in the darkened saloon parlor.

    Nunn says: "Help you? I can't even lift my arm to wave my Kingly ceptor at those naves invading our nefarious residence." Nunn's voice faulters and cracks like Foster Brooks with many snarfs and inbibing belches of such a drunken character.

    Tall TLynn lights some of the saloon kerosene lanterns that the invading gunfire concussion had blown out. She starts barking orders to the leering miscreants who were ogling the GB gangs passed out girlie friends in revealing stages of repose. A couple were even laying with their dance hall skirts back over their heads. The seemed to cause the miscreants to gang up in that area shouldering each other aside in impatient squatters rights. Cameras and flash bulbs are focused on the reposing damsels, this angers Tall T causing her to squint her eyes and start kicking butt to bring these rowdies back in line to do their jobs in subduing the GB gang before they start coming too.

    First order of business is appoint those to round up all the half empty mason jars with the famous elixir. Cap them and put them in boxes to be loaded on the huppmobile outside. Bobs Best is so toxic that it kills any bacteria from others who may have drank from those mason jars.

    GG


    Edited by: AGunguy at: 9/7/01 11:21:56 am

    AntiqueDr
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    (9/5/01 9:09:18 pm)
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    Suddenly, the gloating gang of ne'er-do-wells hears a hideously distorted, but oddly familiar tune. Tracking the odd melody to its source, TLynn exclaims:

    "It's Nunn! He's farting the National Anthem!"
    "Cant be a good sign!" cried SXSMAN. "We've gotta get out of here before the law shows up and searches our cavities!"
    Thusly galvanized into action, the rag-tag group begins searching for something to tie up the saloon denizens who are beginning to stir.

    Just then, an incredibly dashing and debonaire gentleman, obviously of high breeding and aristocratic stock, sidles in through the front door. None other than AntiqueDr (who else? , carrying a large sack with what looks like thick fuzzy snakes peeking out of the top. "I've brought a day's worth of Bob's dreadlock sheddings. Tie them up with these." The group hastily secures all the vile enemy, except for one. This one they have a particular plan for....


    Next?
    We Buy Guns! 1 - 100, Antique or Modern!
    www.apaxenterprises.com

    LIKTOSHOOT
    Senior Chief Moderator Staff
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    (9/5/01 9:44:29 pm)
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    ......just as they begin to remove(whew-we) those dreadlocks, in the background is heard the thundering(thunder-thunder) of a horse in a dead run(not to be confused with the Florida one). The dust trail swirls the air, much like swirling visions after consuming Bob`s Best, tainted with floating brown patina chips(swirling too of course) A BRIGHT FLASH!!! glints in the sun, someone yells "It`s another SHERIFF!!!!" I seen the flash of the badge!!!! Polish pulls his tRusty97.....96.....95....WHATEVER! from the dUsty scabaard on his horses saddle and hides behind the water trough, LTS eases up to Polish`s horse as the rider approachs. Sure nuff it`s a Sheriff`s Deputy......name on the star(Of course...) "This your horse?" says the deputy, Whats it to ya STARMAN???" says LTS. "GOT ANY WEAPONS???" again the same retort from LTS. The deputy eases off his mount(not to be confused with......ya know) and procedes up to LTS and the horse......"Gonna have to search for weapons", says the deputy.....LTS says fine by me.....tain`t (not to be confused with.......YOU KNOW WHAT!) my horse. The horses eyes begin to water and roll back in it`s head......slowly the horses tail rises in a slow fluid arced motion, elbow deep, deputy says...."ain`t nothin here." plop-plop-plop as steaming rolls pancake on the dUsty road.....like an ice cream smoothy, only darker and no curly on top. JUST THEN POLISH POPS UP FROM HIS HIDEY HOLE!!!!!! Racks the slide of his tRusty97(withthenicelovelybrownpatinafinish) and says "REACH HIGH!!! DEPUTY-MAN!!!!" he does and................................
    "am not" R2

    AntiqueDr
    Moderator
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    (9/5/01 9:53:21 pm)
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    is suddenly jerked off his feet, then back up. The sudden commotion has startled the trusty steed, who has reflexively slammed all orifices closed and is now beginning to vacate the scene. The Sheriff, one arm still trapped by the vise-like sphincter, struggles mightily to maintain his balance, but fails. In a cloud of dust, beast and violator disappear from sight.

    Chuckling, AntiqueDr points out, "Now you went and lost the damn horse."

    Meanwhile, the other members of the miscreant posse have used Bob's nether-hairs to tie the prisoners together into a chain (a "nether-tether, perhaps?). The lead member of the chain, now completely awake, hungover and mightily pissed-off, was none other than....


    Take it away...


    We Buy Guns! 1 - 100, Antique or Modern!
    www.apaxenterprises.com

    Mesen
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    (9/5/01 10:49:12 pm)
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    . . . they were bad men and the whores weren't ladies . . .
    IF YOU VALUE YOUR FREEDOM, THANK A VET!

    warpig883
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    (9/5/01 11:44:36 pm)
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    It is about damn time you guys chipped in. Antiquedr made me spit beer all over.

    I am saving all the good stories in a file. not that they would ever get poofbanned here. But ya can't be to careful.

    Edited by: warpig883 at: 9/6/01 1:14:51 am

    warpig883
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 427
    (9/6/01 12:13:12 am)
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    Magnum man/Admin/Mickmrm “you will never break me” he snarls. “I am the ruler of all that is wrong with your lives”. “uh excuse me Mr. Admin” says Tac could you please tell your boy nunn to stop farting the national anthem. For one thing it is a disgrace to the song, and besides if those fumes hit the Bob’s Best there might be a violent reaction”
    Admin while straining against the thick bristly locks he is bound with notices the dark evil fume wafting towards the elixer. “Nunn, plug that hole”. Everyone breathes again and starts to survey the damage.
    “Get me down” asks Shooter22. Several helpful hands reach up and knock him to the floor in a pile of shiny tinfoil. They decide to leave Blackgun hanging above until he tells them about the overshoes and velcro mittens. “You will never get it our of me” he says while swinging his sheperd hook at them. He does manage to catch Reedbuster in the throat making him vomit all over several of the bad guys.
    The bad guys are already covered by a vile ooze that has excreted from their curly intertwined bonds. It would seem that all the Bob’s best that has passed through them whilst they were attached to their owner has given them a special power. They can now sense good and evil and destroy all bad things that come in contact with them.
    Bad guys are screaming and begging for mercy as the vile ooze starts growing sphincters all over their bodies. Tlynn showing no signs of compassion or mercy slowly rubs her soiled red garter over their faces.
    Figuring on righting the wrong that started this battle Sxsman slips his hand into the pocket of Nunn looking for Bob’s money. Suddenly his back stiffens his nostril flare and he looses control of all his bodily functions, ripping his hand out of Nunn’s pocket he slowly opens it and reveals……………………………


    Mesen
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 220
    (9/6/01 6:22:30 am)
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    . . . 37 cents and one used condom.
    IF YOU VALUE YOUR FREEDOM, THANK A VET!

    the real fredneck
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 291
    (9/6/01 7:20:22 am)
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    A noise from outside has everyone looking toward the door, seems a new cop R. Hardon has just pulled in front with one of those newfangled horseless buggys. "You in the saloon come out woith your hands up. It's time to search for weapons" yelled Officer Hardon. "Screw that" said TLynn grabbing a half empty mason jar of Bob's Best and flinging it throught the saloon doors. LTS started to yell something but was cut short by the explosion of the elixir impacting on Officer Hardon's patrol car. In a giant mushroom cloud the vehicle and a goodly portion of the front street vanished in a blink. Blowing on his genuine police whistle (that he got for 4 boxtops) Officer Hardon was desperately calling for reinforcements. Shortly the "war wagon" pulled in front, it had a 45/110 Gatling gun tripod mounted in back. As soon as it stopped they began a withering supressive fire of the vacant building next door to the saloon. This unusual tactic at first confused the miscreants but then Antique Dr. shouted. . .

    AGunguy
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 228
    (9/6/01 7:24:29 am)
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    Sxsman also shouts in anguish at this grizzly and chincey find, holding his wrist tightly in mental torment as if he were biten by a buzz tail rattler. Antique Dr. rushes over and pours some Bob's elixir onto the throabing hand which seems to have made some sort of DNA connection from the offending rubber object. Sxsman screams as his body is now undergoing a mutant transformation into some hideous GB gang member evil personna.

    TLynn rushes over and pours some of the famous elixer down Sxsman gullet, unfortunetly getting some in his eyes in the process. Sxsman starts singing 'I can see clearly now...' from the popular tune: 'Its a bright bright sunny day.' The rest of the miscreant join in off key intoxicated harmony.

    This seems to have helped and he leaps back onto his feet in a show of full recovery.

    While this is all going on several of the miscreants are loading the passed out dance hall girls onto the Huppmobile out front under the selective direction of Antique Dr who is a very pickey fellow. If its breathing throw her on with the rest of them. But the last one to go was someone Antique Dr. personally knew. He shouts: Janet???


    warpig883
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 433
    (9/6/01 9:05:54 am)
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    Tac and gang finally get the Pacer with the MA Duece turned back over onto its wheels. Seems the recoil had shoved over a couple big rocks. Officer Hardin and gang who are putting explosive tracer rounds into every innocent building in sight, did not notice the Pacer of death until it started spinning donuts around them. "Donuts" they all yelled. "We are the only ones who can hae donuts". They concentrated their fire on The Pacer of death as it kept accelerating around and around in an ever increasing display driving skill. Tac and gang in the mean time was manning the .50. Kdub was spinning the T%E back and forth as fast as he can. Flhunter was changing barrels whenever the need arose, and Mesen was handing belts of ammo up from the back seat. Tac was busy shooting buddits out of the air. it was a fine display of teamwork and marksman ship to equal nothing anyone had seen before (except Herby's and Warpig's exploits with the RG-10 and Striker).
    Finally Hardin and gang expend all their ammo. Every innocent building in town is in flames giving off a deathly glow fitting for the funeral pyre that is about to happen. Tac yells down for Sxsman to stop the car, his head is hanging out the window and he is puking from being so dizzy from spinning donuts. Flhunter and Mesen start wading through the piles of hot brass to get to him all the while fighting the centrifugal force of the Pacer of Death as it continues to spin donuts at an ever increasing speed. Blackgun steps into the midle of the donut and is reaching in the window with his sheperds hook in a last ditch attemt to get the car keys. When suddenly he is hit by a buddit thrown by Lts, who was trying to pop a tire on the Pacer of death. Blackgun's sheperd hook gets caught in the door handle and he is now spinning around with the miscreants in the Pacer of Death. He flies outward and the spinning force slowly causes his pants to be pulled down where they stop against his overshoes. But what amazes the gang is what is revealed by his sudden nakedness. It would seem Blackgun has been stealing dreadlock clippings from Bob and transplanting them onto his own body. It is a ugly sight, long ragged patches of dreadlock interspesed with boils caused by watering them with Bob's Best. "Dreadlock implants what will they think of next" says Tlynn. Black gun is heard screaming as he goes round and round "I'm not just a member, I am the president"
    "Stop the car" Tac is yelling as it and the miscreants in it and attached to it continue to carreen out of control around the slobbering donuts eaters.

    BlackGun
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 586
    (9/6/01 12:13:02 pm)
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    as BlackGun is hurled from the spinning car at a hurrific speed, you can hear him holler, " I'll tell, I'll tell, I got the velcro mittens and the rubber booties from Gpostal, they were a christmas gift. The Shepards staff was handed down to me when Varmit Hunter, retired from sheep breedin. The boils, Uh! Er! Oh! I stole the red garter when T wasn't lookin and it felt so good next to my newly transplaned dreadlocks, besides the red garter kept my new dreadlocks close to my leg. I can only guess that T didn't wash the DNA off um after Warpig lost um in the hottub.

    As BlackGun is hurled almost out of site, you can hear his last words faintly "Vote of BlackGun and Hillery in 2001." Poofbanned, as he hits the side of the Duncan Donut Marque, splat pootie splat........!


    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    280freak
    Member
    Posts: 32
    (9/6/01 5:36:13 pm)
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    Homer 4, late to the fight, stumbles across .280 freak, still laying unconcious, knocked cold by a buddit thrown by LTS. Grabbing him by his belt, Homer4 gives .280 a mighty toss, heaving him out through the only plate glass window not already broken. This of course causes .280 to come to. Following .280 thru the window, Homer4 executes a perfect tuck and roll, landing alongside. "I've saved ya, ole buddy", says Homer.

    Rubbing the buddit shaped imprint on his forehead, along with a few other spots that hadn't been sore before his being tossed out of the saloon, .280 sighs, "Well, I do thank ya fer that, H., but couldn't we have just gone out thru the door like everyone else?" Coughing from all the dust being thrown up by the Pacer of Death, H. replies "Oh, um, yeah, I guess that would have worked too. Say, is that the odor of Pre-ban Bob's Best Buddit Proofing Elixer I smell on yer breath?"

    "Yeah it is, but it apparently only works against buddits that have actually been shot, not just thrown." Still rubbing his forehead, .280 mutters "Thanks a lot, LTS, ya jerk!"

    Looking back into the saloon, Homer4 cries out, "Hey, look there, somebody is waving a white flag!" .280 says, "That's TallT, and it ain't a white flag she's a'wavin', it's her shirt! Boy, she's been comin' out of that thing more and more often lately, ya notice that?" "I said, did ya notice that, H?" Homer4 doesn't appear to hear .280, transfixed by the sight of the shirtless T.

    TallT comes climbing through the broken window, saying, "Hey guys, I got Bob's money here in my shirt, but we still got a problem..........."

    LIKTOSHOOT
    Senior Chief Moderator Staff
    Posts: 2187
    (9/6/01 9:18:19 pm)
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    .......what`s the problem???, they ask. "Look there", where?, THERE!! under the porch.....GAWD!! what is that??? it`s eatin worms and WHAT`S THAT SMELL?????? It`s a-It`s a........
    "am not" R2

    kdubaz
    Moderator
    Posts: 626
    (9/7/01 12:17:36 am)
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    (Dang - Had to go clear back to the beginning almost to find ol' Crusty's whereabouts!)

    Oh, no - it's the worm eatin' dog of Crusty's that has the gawdawful odiforus gas emissions!!!!

    He's under the porch of the Going Broker saloon and emiting such foul stench, those inside are double whammiedby it and the Bob's Best Moleass' mickeys that had been laced in their drinks. The entire Admin group gurgles, thrash wildly, then lay with only their boots drumming on the sawdust laden floor (a generous amount of chaw 'baccy juice splatter mixed in with the sawdust).

    In the street, the intrepid Miscreant gang are slowly collecting themselves, while distancing themselves from the Hound from Hell, munching worms under the porch.

    LTS and SxSman are still staring bugeyed at the topless "T". Shooters 45 & 22 are slowly working themselves up from the dust and shaking their heads. Dust flies in a thick cloud from their heads. Warpig is behind the watering trough clearing a jam in his beloved Savage Striker. Polishshooter is emerging from beneath the water in the trough, water pouring from the barrel of his trusty Mod '97 Win, 12 ga (withthelovelybrownpatinafinish)takedown model with shortened 18" bbl.

    Kdub and .280 are still trying to load the Ma duce on top of the whirling dervish Pacer with .280 Rem (or, 7mm Express, take your pick) rounds. Blackgun, A Gunguy and The Real Fredneck are playing keep-away with a partial Mason jar of Bob's Best from Mesen (who promises Fredneck he'll regret this!)

    Reedbuster, Xracer and Antique Dr are gathered in a cluster to discuss the merits of Winchester lever actions, Colt thumb busters or old Browning A-5's as the best assault weapons.

    Bondai and FL Hunter are riffling the pockets of those still laying prone and unmoving in the street.

    "Okay, Everyone", "T" intones, "All I could find in Nunn's pockets was 37 cents and this ol' rubber thingy that looks glued together." "We know that Bob ( ) (aka, Crusty) lost a sight more'n that in that crooked card game with those creatures still in the saloon. Somebody's gonna havta' go back in there and search the rest of them. While you're doing it, get me another shirt, 'cause this one is shot and I gotta cover up 'afore catching cold without no shirt on." Groans and jeers meet this pronouncement - some because of the thought of entering the gastly gaseous saloon interior, others due to "T" wanting her shirt back on.

    Tac 401 looks around as says, "Alright, Moderators, this is why you get the big bucks - I want all of ya to get in there and search those Admin's for everything in their pockets. Leave no PoofBan behind!"

    Everyone quickly looks at their name tags to verify whether or not they be Moderators or Members. Those with Moderator showing below their names glumly begin to trod with dragging feet to the saloon door. Those with Member below theirs give a sigh of relief and immediately return to original activities.

    As the last dusty figure disappears into the murky depths of the Gone Broker emporium, a hair raising shriek (akin to fingernails across a chalkboard - Uuuuuuugh!) is heard from the bowels of the establishment..................
    Keep below the ridgeline!

    AGunguy
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 231
    (9/7/01 8:26:58 am)
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    The dance hall floozy, Janet Reno, who AntiqueDr seem to recognize had finally come too, she lets out the horrible scream as she realizes she hasn't got a snowballs chance in a hot place of beating out Jeb Bush in Florida.

    Janet flicks open her cell phone to call up a favor from her old fed agency JBTs to come arunning and take care of these unlawful miscreants who are dealing in toxic liquids of Bob's elixir and those deadly dreadlocks that have been federally outlawed by Congress heavely lobbied by the Going Broker saloon Admins.

    The wail of sirens could be heard in the distance and black helicopters were making passes at the burning establishments adjacent to the GB establishment. They pour a withering suppressive fire from their M-60s into the old folks shady pines retirement center who were playing bingo at the time. Some of the old WW-2 vets pull their trusty 30-06 Springfield O3 and Garand rifles out from underneath their beds and begin shooting the tail rotors off the black helicopters causing them to auger in like a cork screw on a cheap bottle of Bob's Best.

    Meanwhile, officer Hardon is running around telling everyone he's a cop and trying to stop the shooting on the federal officers. J. Edgar Hoover and Elliot Ness wouldn't like this, he sneers with gritted teeth at the miscreants who are laughing their butts off at the old veterans tearing the feds a new bootie orifice.

    GG

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 9/7/01 10:25:04 am

    Alphamale
    Senior Chief Moderator Staff
    Posts: 630
    (9/7/01 12:45:55 pm)
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    As Alpha looks at the chaotic scene through his 6-18x40mm Sheperd target/tactical/varmint scope (as seen in the B/S/T forum), mounted on the newest concept in tac rifles, the polymer "Super Reach Out and Touch Em" ( in 7mm superbuttwhomper). He thinks "Damn, they never let me have any of the fun. Always have to cover their butts, dreads and all....sigh"

    Then he sees movement at the back of the saloon, "Hey what's that?"
    To run from trouble is foolish, to look for it... even more so

    Edited by: Alphamale at: 9/7/01 1:49:49 pm

    shooter22
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 319
    (9/7/01 1:33:24 pm)
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    From a near, yet convienienlty hidden location come the words, " Body cavity search, everybody!"

    The groan grows louder from the moderators!

    ( in full protest)they say, "Make Janet do it, she was with Bill C, she is used to this stuff"(new brown patina)

    shooter22



    Edited by: shooter22 at: 9/7/01 2:34:20 pm

    AGunguy
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 235
    (9/7/01 5:05:19 pm)
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    Gunguy drops his pants and bends over. Me first he exclaims, been having a hell of a lot of trouble down there lately.

    Janet Reno bends down to take a look but recoils back in horror. "This guy looks like a pawnshop, (three balls hanging over the door) I have never seen orbs that big before. Officer Hardon, hand me my rubber gloves this just may be a ruse to hide something really sinister."

    Officer Hardon grins mercilessly at Gunguy. "Bet you got an AK 47 hidden in there, if we find its got a loaded magazine...well, You're in for some big trouble Meester."

    GG

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 9/7/01 7:58:07 pm

    warpig883
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 445
    (9/7/01 7:17:11 pm)
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    LOL. Gunguy I think you made me pee my pants.LOL

    BlackGun
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 627
    (9/7/01 7:22:33 pm)
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    as Gunguy drops his boxers with the red hearts on them, everyone stops and gasps in surprise, lo and behold we find the long lost red garter. Gunguy turns as red a a pair of red Nomex undies when officer Haren asks " Gunguy, where did ya get that thar red garter'? Gunguy, shyly say. " well, Errrrrrr, Uhhhhhhhhh! when Blackgun was a hangin from the celin with his sheppards staff, I kind Ah, took a fancy to um and snuck um off his leg.`

    Well, now say Harden, hand me them there rubber gloves , lets see what else Gunguy has to hide. Janet Reno replys, No Officer, that my job, It's a dirty job, but I'll do it. Janet slaps on them thar rubber gloves with a loud "POP" and hollers for the KY jelly. AntiqueDr. being the resident gangs doctor gives ole Janet a double hand full of that thar KY jelly. Ya could hear it pooty splat all over her hand and she rubs it in to her rubber mittens. Janet Holler, " alrighty now Gunguy, Spred um". As gun guy spreds them ole knot knees, to all's suprise falls hidden intangled in he dreadlocks like a fishermans net 3 bottles of Bobs Best. TYhe whole Miscreant gang gives ole Gunguy the evil eye fer hold out on um. Bondai hollers, I thinks it a time fer a linchin, holdin out on the gang like that. Officer Hardin says, there ain't a gonna me no linchin her today, not without a trial. Blackgun and Warpig stand tall and says, Officer, that thar is one of our gang members, so iffin there's gonna be a trial, we (blackgun and Warpig) will hold the evidence fer the court till the trial. Them two varmits grab that thar evidence and jump in the AMC pacer, holler as the spped away, we're a gonna go hide th evidene, we'll be back in a flash. Ole Gunguy is released on a promise to appear bond, but knows that Blackgun and warpig was a headin fer the gangs hideout..............
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    warpig883
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 449
    (9/7/01 7:59:08 pm)
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    Gunguy shows up at the hideout scared to death. He limps in bowlegged to find Blackgun and Warpig counting piles of money from their latest business venture. They are both well beyond drunk and have been contempating a punishment fitting a man who would hold out on the Bob's Best.
    Blackgun says "well I reckon we could put him to work, I know he ain't no virgin". Warpig, happier than a pig in ***t cause he got the soiled red garter back, looks at Gunguy and tells him "you have not suffered enough, from now on whenever our prisoner errr I mean guest (Janet) feels the urge to do a body cavity search you will abide by her wishes". Gunguy breathes a sigh of relief until Blackgun adds "Gunguy it will be dry and you will like it".
    Next plans are made to open a new establishment of sin to employ the vile hootch thief. The two recently filthy rich business partners decide to put him to work in the back room of the old GB Saloon which is under new management.

    Will Gunguy repent or prove his innoncence? Or be forced to a life of pain and misery catering to Janet and other scum.

    LIKTOSHOOT
    Senior Chief Moderator Staff
    Posts: 2209
    (9/7/01 8:00:27 pm)
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    LTS dissappears quitely and shuffles to the back, HEA!!! There`s only two bottles!!!!!!..............
    I could be wrong......Nah!

    AGunguy
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 237
    (9/7/01 8:29:06 pm)
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    Gunguy alone in the back room facing who knows what a life of vile servitude for those two drunken meanies.

    He picks up a dirty turnip and munches a bite on it, then exclaims: "As God is my witness, I'd never steal those jars of Bob's home remedy. I'll find a way to prove my innocense...and get even with those ragmuffian villians."

    He begins polishing the dirty spittoons that his overseers had thrown in the room with him. He just sets there a polishing and a plotting, a polishing and a plotting...singing: "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen, nobody knows my sarrow..."

    Is this the end of a decent rightious guy, will those villians be allowed to get away with this shite?

    Who knows...I don't write all this crap.

    GG

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 9/8/01 3:05:43 pm

    BlackGun
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 630
    (9/7/01 8:37:43 pm)
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    I'm cryin so hard and loud, my wife just walked in the room to see what was wrong with me. OH GOD< I'm chokeing to death here


    warpig883
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 452
    (9/7/01 8:42:52 pm)
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    "I said to get all the brown patina off my spitoon boy" whip crack snap crack

    " And put yer clothes back on, what da ya think we're runnin here? A freak show"?
    "Get cleaned up when yer done ya gots a date at 7:00".

    BlackGun
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 631
    (9/7/01 8:53:17 pm)
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    Yes indeed Gunguys has a date at 7:00 sharp, the mean ole villins who saved his hide by gettin rid of the evidence to protect him from a hangin, felt sorry for the ole knot kneed, snaggled tooth poot, so's they ( that bein the filth rich Warpig and Black gun) fixes him up with a blind date, a true suprise fer the Gunguy, yepper, it's ole Janet baby, see, she took a liken to them red hearts on them thar boxers of gunguys, and anybody who can wear red hearts on thir boxers can't be all bad in Janets eyes. It's gonna be a hot time in the ole saloon tonight. In the mean time ole warpig and BlackGun are a scheemin a way to hire um some hoochie mommas to work in the ole GB saloon, now under new management. Causin they ain't a gonna run it by hand.

    Hummmmmmmmmmm! Warpig holers at Blackgun, there was 3 bottles of Bobs best, and we only drunk two of um, now hwere's that pesky LTS, he was a lerkin around here a droolin over our money awhile back..............
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    Edited by: BlackGun at: 9/7/01 9:59:32 pm

    AGunguy
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 239
    (9/7/01 8:53:49 pm)
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    Yaasa, boss. Its so hot in here with you're still making yo imitation Bob's Best the temparature is 110 degrees.
    Could I have a drink of water boss?

    Uh the date ain't Janet Reno is it by chance?

    Will Gunguy have to suffer more body cavity searches by that witch, would have said the B word but this is a family show.

    GG

    AntiqueDr
    Moderator
    Posts: 785
    (9/7/01 8:55:15 pm)
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    Suddenly, the door bursts open and in leaps Bob (ISL), only as one of his other personalities - the Crusty Spaniard. "NObody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" he yells, and then leaps back out of the room.
    As everyone is scratching their heads over that one, .280Freak pokes his head in the room. "Well, we wont have to worry about that Reno gal (guy? who really knows?) anymore. Me and the boys were feedin' her some fried Polish sausage we found behind that worm-eatin mange-hound when she let out the most Godawfulest yell you ever heard. Sounded like somebody squeezin' a cat. Anyway, she grabbed her stomach then dropped her bloomers. We got away fast cuz we didn't know what kind of transmission would come floppin' out. Anyway, she bent over, grabbed her ankles and let out a big 'un. Shot out of here like a rocket, guess we never should of made her put on those roller skates..."
    The mental picture of a semi-naked Janet Reno doubled over like a crazed slalom skiier, rocketing down the narrow side streets near the gang hideout rendered everyone speechless. During the silence, a faint "Boom" was heard.

    "Damn." said .280. "She must have hit the fireworks stand."

    We Buy Guns! 1 - 100, Antique or Modern!
    www.apaxenterprises.com

    warpig883
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 453
    (9/7/01 9:01:15 pm)
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    psst Gunguy. If'n we told ya oncet we told ya a hunnert times. It ain't imitation Bob's Best it's enhanced. And yer the ones makin' it not us. he he he Now back to work!



    Blackgun we might have to eliminate him. We can't take the chance of him letting the secret out.




    Run it by hand, roflmao

    Edited by: warpig883 at: 9/7/01 10:43:07 pm

    AGunguy
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 240
    (9/7/01 11:04:28 pm)
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    Mother of God, is this the end of Rico...er Gunguy. OK you mugs, yaaa, think you can fool around with Rico, yaaa, er Gunguy, you got another think coming.

    Gunguy ties down the safety valve on the pressure gauge that operates the still making those villians illicit voo doo juice, the enhanced Bob's Best, phoney to the last drop causing canker sore on the drinkers gums and lips.

    He throws more coal in the fired furnace, and even more coal until every joint of piping is starting to sputter with small leaks of steam. The heat in the locked room has climbed to 120 degrees. Gunguy can't take much more of this horrible heat, the boiler is going to blow any minute now. He shoves some pallets aside and finds a trap door in the floor. Upon opening the door he hears a stream of water below coursing its way through the dark unknown. Gunguy moans, Mother of God is this the end of Rico, er Gunguy...and he leaps into the dark abiss.

    Is this the end of Gunguy, who knows. Tune in tomarrow for another thrilling chapter of yester year with the Lone Ranger, er Gunguy. Hy yo silver, gettum up scout....drumming of hoof beats...William Tell overture kicks in.



    GG

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 9/8/01 8:17:45 am

    BlackGun
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 634
    (9/8/01 8:17:27 am)
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    Ladies and Gentlemen stayed tuned for another exciting adventure of Rico, Errrrr! Gunguy Errrrrrrrrrrr! the lone ranger in tomorrow continueing episodes, Will Gunguy, he hung by the neck after being found guilty by the hangin judge Spanish cruffler by the villionus copper Officer Hardin, will he be in time for his blind date with his new found admirer, Janet Reno, will Warpig and Blackgun, again save his butt, when he falls into peril, will Gunguy become an honest man, a hero among his peers, and stop the life of crime and become a trusted employee, bartender at the GB saloon and manager of the Warpig/Blackgun house of ill repute. Will he run it by hand or put out a help wanted sign for Hoochie Momma's. Will Gunguy stop tryin to water down the magic exicer "BoB's Best"

    Will AntiqueDr be able to save the day and come u[p with a remedy for the canker desease thats spreadin around all the miscreant gang.

    Will we find LTS and the missing third bottle of Bobs Best, or has he been hidden and protected by the dancehall girl Tall T till he dries out. Answers to these and other questions tomorrow. Hi Ho Silver and away.................!
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    Edited by: BlackGun at: 9/8/01 11:03:25 am

    Spanish Cruffler
    Member
    Posts: 116
    (9/8/01 8:40:53 am)
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    Meanwhile - back at the saloon:

    The remaining Miscreant Moderators left to mop up the mess at the GB Saloon had donned surplus Spanish-American War gas masks (cotton cloth drenched with Bob's Best) in order to enter the foul green cloud laid down by the worm eating hound from Hell. As they went about their business of searching pockets, pulling gold teeth, and testing the new and improved intergalactic Uranus Anal Probe on the stunned baddies, a shadow suddenly appeared at the swinging doors of the saloon. "Who goes there, Miscreant or Bad Guy?" hollers LTS. The door swings open, and standing there is a hideous green alien with a gapping grin full of alligator teeth, wearing velcro gloves and hip waders. "Special Delivery!" He quips. Bob In St. Louis jumps up and hollers "Graflyx! It's about time you let go of that sheep and got here with that new shipment of Bob's Best Uranus Export Special!" A cheer went up from the room, and the worm eating dog happily pooted another green cloud while it munched merrily on an expended polish sausage from the intrepid brown patina 97. "Drinks all around!" shouted TLynn. We need fortification for facing the intrepid foul farter!" As the green cloud settled towards the floor, a low creaking sound could be heard as a trap door slowly opened from the foul sewer below. A voice could be heard saying "Gad, I thought it stunk down here, what the heck is this?" and emerging from the opening was ---

    280freak
    Member
    Posts: 37
    (9/8/01 9:53:25 am)
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    Man, my sides hurt from laughing so much! So many great lines - "I don't write this crap"; "run it by hand"; "nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition" (who was the M. Python member to say those words? I can see his face, can't dredge up a name, though).

    You guys are soooooo good!

    Edited by: 280freak at: 9/8/01 11:46:26 am

    BlackGun
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 637
    (9/8/01 10:05:51 am)
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    HEY! Freakie, you started this S***T!
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    AntiqueDr
    Moderator
    Posts: 794
    (9/8/01 10:10:04 am)
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    I believe it was John Cleese.


    We Buy Guns! 1 - 100, Antique or Modern!
    www.apaxenterprises.com

    TallTLynn
    Senior Chief Moderator Staff
    Posts: 1889
    (9/8/01 10:53:41 am)
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    You guys are all too funny for words - you have no idea how much I've needed this type of laugh.

    Thank you one and all.

    280freak
    Member
    Posts: 39
    (9/8/01 10:59:32 am)
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    Yo, Blackgun, ya gotta love it, don't ya?

    AD - You sure? I could be remembering it wrong, I thought it was the one who played the stutterer in Fish Called Wanda who uttered that line in one of their skits.

    "Hit her with the soft pillows. Still won't talk, eyyy? How about the .......... COMFY CHAIR?" Loved that part!

    Just what is it about these online stories that they resemble Python sketches so much? I don't know when I've laughed so much or so hard lately!

    Keep 'em comin', guys, love this s**t!

    Bob In St Louis
    Senior Chief Moderator Staff
    Posts: 1029
    (9/8/01 11:32:12 am)
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    Worm-eating pooty dog says she loves the story. She especially likes the kielbasa part. She's out back right now digging for moles, but she will be jumping back in the story later.
    Crusty Cruffler of Fine Spanish Pistols - Eibar Rules!

    AGunguy
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 242
    (9/8/01 12:03:37 pm)
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    You know you guys wouldn't have to use them * in words like S**T. Just use the English and German term 'Shite.' Not many out there even know what it means...they don't know shite. Hee hee. Or, who gives a shite. The shite you say? Oh yeah, shite on you. Eat shite and die dirt bag. Ha ha ha!

    Stop it, stop it...cracken myself up here. Its a shitey job but someones got to do it.



    kdubaz
    Moderator
    Posts: 630
    (9/8/01 12:31:06 pm)
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    Gunguy - we're either gonna havta' change your meds, or re-prescribe!!
    Keep below the ridgeline!

    BlackGun
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 642
    (9/8/01 12:48:05 pm)
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    Thanks for the shite Gunguy, now I will be off line for awhile while I clean all the shite-in Lone Star I just squirted out my mouth all over my shite-in keyboard.

    Meantome: "go get me the wet dry vac"

    Freakie: I love this Shite

    Honest to God, guys, I'm cryin so hard, my chest is crampin,
    "OH! Shite, that hurts"

    GG the next "humor of the day is on you" It's gonna be a doozy!
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    Edited by: BlackGun at: 9/8/01 1:58:15 pm

    AGunguy
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 246
    (9/8/01 2:14:07 pm)
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    OH SHITE! Not on me again. Am I you guys favorite whipping boy, I'm always getting shited on. This use to be such a nice family board.

    What do you mean its me...what the shite are you saying?

    GG

    BlackGun
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 647
    (9/8/01 3:30:11 pm)
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    Everday, I'll post a " Humor of the day" first it was LTS, then Warpig, tomorrow it's your turn to be roasted, Errrrrrr! I mean toasted. OH! SHITE< this is fun! Just remember Baa Baa Baa BlaaaaaaaaaaaaaackGun, Hummmmmmmmmmmmmm!
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    AGunguy
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 248
    (9/8/01 3:41:49 pm)
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    OK, Pappy Boinken 'em...I submit to your harsh autocratic rule.

    Gunguy

    BlackGun
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 649
    (9/8/01 3:46:39 pm)
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    GG, buy the way I found LTS, Yepper, he was the one who got the last bottle of Bob's Best!

    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    Edited by: BlackGun at: 9/8/01 4:47:28 pm

    AntiqueDr
    Moderator
    Posts: 797
    (9/8/01 3:50:14 pm)
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    The subtitle of that picture should be:

    GRAVITY SUCKS!

    By the way, what happened to the story?

    We Buy Guns! 1 - 100, Antique or Modern!
    www.apaxenterprises.com

    AGunguy
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 249
    (9/8/01 3:51:20 pm)
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    Uh, no comment on that very sad picture. God help who ever it was.

    GG

    BlackGun
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 650
    (9/8/01 4:55:25 pm)
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    GG: after 18 years of working Homicide and Doc being a paramedic, better than a doctor in emergency senerios, we sometimes look at thing s a little differently than most folks sometimes you have to look at death and keep smileing to keep your sanity, what sanity we have left. sorry if the picture was offensive to you, it surely wasn't intentional. Doc and I have been through a lot, that ain't shite! Wait till you get the chance to actually be a deanor in an autopsy, now that's fun!

    Don't fret, we'll blow LTS back up and he'll be fine again l
    We'll just funnel a swig of Bob's best down his gullet and he pop right back
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    Edited by: BlackGun at: 9/8/01 6:21:26 pm

    AGunguy
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 251
    (9/8/01 6:33:25 pm)
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    Wheeew! I thought Bob's elixir was what put him down. Glad there will be a full recovery. And I know you cops can eat a hot dog while veiwing an autopsy...wouldn't have your job on a bet...weak stomach.

    Dead people give me the willies (not slick Willies either, dead folks) put 'em in ground before guys like me have 'em found. I'm pro living and breathing. Feet get moving, ala Birmingham on the ol Charley Chan movies.

    Gunguy

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 9/9/01 8:06:40 am

    BlackGun
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 651
    (9/8/01 6:50:57 pm)
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    AS seen in the picture above, poor LTS is a sufferin from toxic over dose of Bob's best, Gunguy comes to the rescue, hollerin "LTS ya fool, I told ya I spiked the punch" get yer rear in gear ( as GG kicks LTS in is flabby ass). LTS doesn't respond! GG thinks, HUM! should I preform CPR or the Hymlick method on him, NAH! forget this!, But GG looks closely into LTS's mouth for ubstructions and finds Warpigs red garter stuck in his wind pipe, GG calls for AntigueDr to aide in LTS's rescue, Doc appears with black bag in hand, accesses the situation and says...........................
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    AntiqueDr
    Moderator
    Posts: 798
    (9/8/01 6:55:50 pm)
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    and says, "Does he have insurance???"

    Back to the original story. Janet has disappeared in a mighty green poot which apparently ignited from the sparks from the roller skates, just as she impacted into the fireworks stand. Meanwhile, the rest of the original GB saloon gang are still tethered together with a length of Bob's infernal butt-locks. The worm-eatin' dog is still good for a squeeze or two.

    Now, what is the plan to deal with the prisoners? Are they to be enslaved into the new saloon? And who, or what, is coming up out of the trapdoor?


    We Buy Guns! 1 - 100, Antique or Modern!
    www.apaxenterprises.com

    warpig883
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 458
    (9/8/01 7:15:50 pm)
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    TLynn see poor GG laying there and thinks she has a chance to get her grubby paws on Warpigs garter again. "Stand back I know mouth to mouth recreation" she whispers seductively.

    Who or what is coming out of the trap door? Someone should aim the worm eatin' dog at it. Tac starts turning the dog towards the trap door to defend them when one of the GB bad guys jumps on the worm eater sending a vile cloud of noxious gas (known by the state of Kalifornia to cause cancer) into the air. Miscreant and bad guys start dropping like flys. Antique Dr. looks around and says "Say that smell is kinda nice" The trap door is fully open now, Antique Dr. is the last one standing. Although someone is heard whispering "I'll run it by hand" He faces his emerging opponent and says??

    AGunguy
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 255
    (9/8/01 7:33:10 pm)
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    WHOA, WHOA....WHOA! That pile of whatever is supposed to be LTS, not GG...Jeez.

    I'm the standing pile of whatever waiting to find out who is coming out of the trap door.

    Now back to our story radio fans...'I LOVE A MYSTERY.' And its a real mystery to me how this story is coming along. Some people are throwing back too much of the ol Bob's Best.

    Gunguy



    warpig883
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 463
    (9/8/01 7:37:56 pm)
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    Heck I am doing this shite by hand. Can't expect a person to get the names right when his hads are full can ya


    BlackGun
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 652
    (9/8/01 7:50:38 pm)
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    Warpig: work it big dogg. iffin GG don't find us some hoochie momma's we gonna have to work this house of ill repute by hand , HA!
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    AGunguy
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 258
    (9/9/01 10:06:58 am)
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    Man, you two ol farts are sure handy. And I ain't you're houchie momma recruiter, so guess you'll have to get handy alright. And I'm armed and dangerous, just ate a big pot of mommas refried beans laced with Bob's Best rotten jalopino picanti sauce. The ol stomach is a rumbling and the 3 balls on the stern plane are starting to glow. Sooo, watch yer step. You'll think that ol pooty dog smells like chanel No. 5 compared to my cloud maker.

    Gunguy

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 11/10/01 9:05:22 am

    warpig883
    Moderator
    Posts: 1082
    (11/9/01 10:56:48 pm)
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    Had to go dig this up out of the archives. It is to danged funny to let lie. Had me crying I was laughing so hard. Need to get it to the top so people can enjoy a good laugh with me.
    custom signature

    ysacres
    Member
    Posts: 11
    (11/10/01 11:49:56 am)
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    A stranger came a ride'in into town sometime back on a sliver saddled stud. As he was stear'in his pony past the GB saloon on his way down main street, when he caught the eye of mis TLynn sittin and a spittin on the porch of the GB, a now famous sallon of the soon to be miscrent gang.

    the pony pulled up to the hitch'en post like he knew this was go'na be a good water'n hole.The stranger slid off his trusty steed, and struted fer da door. as he burst through the swing'in door's of the saloon he look'ed around and started spout'in off about how cute the bar maid look'es when she spit's that tobacky and swaren at her boss, who happens to be the owner of the GB.

    The stranger proceded to pull up a bar stool and say's i need a canteen full of Bob's best, the bartender a ruffeled feather o'll coot who had a sawed off shotgun under his duster whiped it out pulled the hammer back and shoved it in the stranger's face. BOB"S BEST BOB"S BEST well we aint had no BOB"S BEST around here fer weeks.


    All the locals droped their card's on the table and drew down on the stranger with their Colt 'SAA"s, Homer yell's let's tar an feather the stranger ' not one to be imtimaded the stranger turned his back to the unruley croud and whisper's to the freek'ish look'in dude that's pack'in a winchester 280 sitt'in on the stool next to him, do'es them all act funny this way.

    Bou't then the leader of the new miscrent gang started shoot'in off his 22 in in the saloon. just then the sheriff walked in. The bullet's ricoshade off the chanderlier witch drew the attention of the addmastration in the back room. All hell fire broke loose from every direction, the stranger and the dude with the 280 ducked behind the bar,when the smoke cleared the sheriff TLynn and the 22 shooter was dead.

    The propirers of the saloon had to save face by toss'in other's of the gang out through the swing'in doors of the GB. The freek and the stranger got up and dusted off the stetsons,hopped on the sliver sadled steeds and steered them off into the sunset on their quest to find a cold glass of Bob's Best

    Edited by: ysacres at: 11/10/01 11:56:07 am

    polishshooter
    Senior Chief Moderator Staff
    Posts: 2166
    (11/11/01 1:38:43 pm)
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    HOW in the HELL did I MISS this one???

    And WHY in the HELL do I ALWAYS end up in the WATER???

    No WONDER I'm always rubbin' the rust off the Winchester! (Wait, that didn't sound right...) How about "Buffing the riot gun," (no that's worse..)

    And to the Worm-eatin'-dog Judy...a little Skynyrd.

    "GIMME BACK MY BUDDITS" *)
    We must make war as we must; not as we would like. - Field Marshal Kitchener, 1915

    Tac401
    Administrator
    Posts: 2844
    (12/1/01 10:18:01 pm)
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    ezSupporter
    Re: Once Upon a Time
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    FRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Re-fried Beans! Feel The Heat!

    This message has been brought to you by the folks
    at Rent-A-Fart!
     
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