Snakes and the Military

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by DixieLandMan, Feb 1, 2012.

  1. DixieLandMan

    DixieLandMan Member

    Oct 18, 2011
    The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

    1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

    2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

    3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

    4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

    5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

    6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

    7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

    8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

    9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

    10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

    11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

    12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

    13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

    14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

    15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

    16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

    17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

    18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

    19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

    20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

    21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

    22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

    23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

    24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

    25. Signal: Tries to communicate with repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten.
  2. Anchor Clanker

    Anchor Clanker Member

    Sep 14, 2008
    Unified Military Service
    Canada does not have an Army, a Navy or an Air Force. They have a joint Unified Military Service.
    The United States can never have such a service. Why Not? They can't agree on words and terms. Take the word SECURE for example. You tell the Navy and Coast Guard to secure a building and they will run everybody out, turn off the lights and leave. Tell the Army to secure a building and they will run everybody out and won't let anyone back in without a pass. Tell the Marines to secure a building and they will make an armed assault after a heavy artillery bombardment and call in an air strike. Tell the Air Force to secure a building and they will take out a three year lease with an option to buy.

  3. jstgsn

    jstgsn Well-Known Member

    Nov 1, 2009
    Milford, Delaware
    The President of the United States calls a new comference and takes credit for the killing of the snake. Uses the word "I" 58 times to describe the mission. Later asks the vice president what a "snake" is?
  4. raven818

    raven818 Well-Known Member Supporting Member

    Oct 3, 2011
    Jax, Fl.
    My brother-in-law was with a federal agency for 21 years. Retired, went to a private business as VP in same type business. Left it, now president/owner of his own business, doing pretty much the same thing.

    Me? I'm just retired and happy to say so.
  5. Maximilian II

    Maximilian II New Member

    May 25, 2009
    Northwest GA
    Civilian: Ignores snake, it's just a King Snake after all.
  6. Brass Tacks

    Brass Tacks New Member

    Jan 9, 2012
    NW Arkansas
    the Iranian army has a six year land war with no ground gained only to find the snake was in actuality a discarded piece of automotive heater hose
  7. jack404

    jack404 Former Guest

    Jan 11, 2010
    Aussie , uses old fencing wire to kill snake eats snake looks for yams to go with it

    City aussie , dances up and down calling for the police or fire brigade , and between calls to emergency services orders caffe latte with soy
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2012
  8. StoneChimney

    StoneChimney New Member

    Nov 27, 2010
    Texan (except from Houston, Dallas or Austin): Pees on snake, residual chili content in urine causes snake to spontaneously combust. And that's the women!

    Texan (from cities named above): Attempts to pee on snake but can only successfully wet his/her pants. Buys new ridiculous designer cowboy hat and boots and drives to Oklahoma or Louisiana casino to tell bored blackjack dealers of their snake encounter.
  9. Buckshot

    Buckshot Active Member

    May 5, 2009
    Southern AZ
    Don't mess with Texas!
  10. Gun Geezer

    Gun Geezer Well-Known Member

    Oct 5, 2009
    Central Florida
    An older cousin of mine, now deceased, was in basic training during Korean War. While on manuvers, sleeping on the ground, in a sleeping bag, a poisonous snake sensing his body heat, bit him on the face. He nearly died. He was hospitalized for a time, then honorably discharged with a medical. He never cared much for snakes after that.
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