SOME JOKES

Discussion in 'The Beau Coupe Dien Cai Dau Hootch' started by Guest, Mar 2, 2003.

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    high2fly
    *Senior Chief Moderator*
    Posts: 134
    (8/25/01 5:50:38 pm)
    | Del All SOME JOKES
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    An Honest Start
    A couple met at Hilton Head Resort in South Carolina and fell in
    love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship
    after their vacations were over.
    "It's only fair to warn you Jody," Bill said. "I'm a golf nut. I
    live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."
    "Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a
    hooker."
    "I see." he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's probably
    because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the
    ball."
    10-4

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    high2fly
    *Senior Chief Moderator*
    Posts: 135
    (8/25/01 5:51:53 pm)
    | Del Re: SOME JOKES
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    Men Etiquette

    Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally
    killed or beaten by his fellow partygoers.

    Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
    a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
    b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
    c. After wrecking your boss' car
    d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
    e. When his date is using her teeth

    Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
    friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
    off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

    The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's
    running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.
    For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of
    hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

    Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is
    forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
    another man. In fact, even remembering your buddies birthday is
    optional.

    When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
    may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
    never ask who's playing.

    It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when
    you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a
    topless supermodel... and it's free.

    Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't
    see nothin'.

    Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated
    as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
    ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

    You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death
    of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly threw
    it into a ceiling fan.

    Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
    pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

    Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
    footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
    other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
    conversation you need.

    Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than
    you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
    phone; Hang up if necessary.

    The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a
    friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact that
    you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do it again
    before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.



    Genog
    Moderator
    Posts: 203
    (8/31/01 9:40:27 am)
    | Del Re: SOME JOKES
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    This is what there is to look forward to?

    Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the
    96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down
    the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
    The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
    She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
    The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
    sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
    forgetful". She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll
    come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

    Geno G

    Mithrandir
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 166
    (8/31/01 10:28:27 am)
    | Del Re: SOME JOKES
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    Three Nuns were killed in a automobile accident and… of course… they went to heaven….

    But at the gate, St. Peter was having trouble rectifying their coming with his books…

    He said.. “Sisters….. you are all not supposed to be here yet!! The book shows that you were all to live to be 100 and have happy lives……well…… there is nothing we can do now but to insure that your “last wish” as-it-were are carried out…Because each of you have been exemplary in the eyes of the Lord, each of you may have one year on earth to do anything you want without any repercussions as to your behavior and then come into heaven at the end of the year,”

    The first sister says “and we can do or have anything we want in that time?”

    “Yes” answer St. Peter…

    So Sister one says “then… I want to be married and have a child with Harrison Ford”….

    “So be it” says St. Peter and …POOF! She is gone…. back to earth and married to Harrison Ford…..

    The second Sister says …”I want to make wild passionate love to Brad Pitt, Tom Cruse & Sean Connery and the entire line of the Dallas cowboys all at the same time for the whole year!”….

    Looking shocked…. But knowing why she wants that he say “So be it” and …POOF! She is gone…. back to earth and making love to all of them at once and happy about it too!

    The third Sister has said nothing and St. Peter asks her what is wrong….

    The Sister says…”Well…. I have always been very faithful to my Lord and I am not sure if I want to do this”…

    St. Peter assures her that He would want her to be happy and once the year is over to have no regrets about leaving her earthly life behind and spending eternity with Him in heaven…..

    So the Sister says “OK.. then I want to F**K Mithrandir….!”

    St. Peter says…”UUUUuhhhhhhh who?”

    “Mithrandir”

    “Well… just who the hell is Mithrandir?” asks St. Peter

    “I don’t know..” says the Sister.

    St. Peter asks…”well if you don’t know how he is… why do you want to F**K him ???????

    “Well…. All those years in the convent… every time that I would go out into the neighborhood to see the people and administer for the Lord… all I ever heard were people talking about Mithrandir… and they were constantly saying…. That Mithrandir…F**K him!!!”…..

    Sooooooooooooooooo…..”



    Out……


    Winter11
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 222
    (9/6/01 9:04:39 am)
    | Del
    Re: SOME JOKES
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    LOL - that was good Mith........