Thanksgiving, the Turkey, Martha, and Me

Discussion in 'The Beau Coupe Dien Cai Dau Hootch' started by Guest, Mar 3, 2003.

  1. Guest

    Guest Guest

    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 697
    (11/9/01 7:52:26 pm)
    | Del All
    Thanksgiving, the Turkey, Martha, and Me
    Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
    Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so
    don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart
    won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

    Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade,
    paper bag luminaries.
    After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how
    cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not
    have the desired welcoming effect. Once
    inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is
    not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and
    fall foliage I had planned to make.
    Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the
    decorating by having them track in colorful autumn
    leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

    The dining table will not be covered with
    expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets.
    If possible, we will use dishes that match
    and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS
    Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic
    Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins
    from last Christmas. Our centerpiece will not be
    the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised.
    Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like
    decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction
    paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

    We will be dining fashionably late. The children
    will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they
    will be happy to share every choice comment
    I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims
    and the turkey hotline. Please remember that
    most of these comments were made at 5:00
    a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard
    enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the
    children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming.
    If the children should mention that I don't own a
    recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming
    sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes
    dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

    We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver
    bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end,
    we chose to keep our traditional method.

    We've also decided against a formal seating
    arrangement. When the
    smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table
    and sit where you
    like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the
    children to sit at a
    separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

    Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one
    person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of
    appreciative onlookers. This will not be
    happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the
    turkey will be carved in a private ceremony.
    I stress "private" meaning:
    Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen
    to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting
    children to check on my progress. I have an electric
    knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason
    that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

    I would like to take this opportunity to remind
    my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not
    a football play. Nor is it a request to bean
    your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.
    Oh, and one reminder for the adults:
    For the duration of the meal, and especially while
    in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the
    giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce.
    If a young diner questions you regarding the origins
    or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.
    Cheese Sauce stains.

    Before I forget, there is one last change.
    Instead of offering a choice between 12
    different scrumptious desserts, we
    will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie,
    garnished with whipped cream and small
    fingerprints. You will still have a choice;
    take it or leave it.

    Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
    Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next
    year either. I am thankful.

    (Author Unknown)

    Posts: 406
    (11/12/01 5:24:03 pm)
    | Del
    Re: Thanksgiving, the Turkey, Martha, and Me


    Gotta pass that one on!!!

    LMAO --- A LOT

    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 705
    (11/12/01 8:00:39 pm)
    | Del
    Re: Thanksgiving, the Turkey, Martha, and Me
    , Winter.

    I'm not a Martha-fan, but did catch a program the other
    day where she showed how to stuff a turkey from both
    ends. The first time I cooked a turkey was traumatic.
    Who knows...I may try cookin' a turkey again.


    Posts: 1740
    (11/13/01 11:03:46 am)
    | Del
    Thanksgiving and Martha
    Very cute post Sharon.
    Martha certainly does provide the ultimate in holiday fare. Hehe!

    Posts: 408
    (11/13/01 2:40:13 pm)
    | Del
    Re: Thanksgiving and Martha

    Stuffing a turkey from BOTH ends --- OUCH!!!!!

    Traumatic - hells yeah!!!

    BIG LOL!!!!