The Blues

Discussion in 'The Beau Coupe Dien Cai Dau Hootch' started by Guest, Mar 2, 2003.

  1. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Posts: 559
    (8/27/01 3:23:35 pm)
    | Del All
    The Blues
    1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

    3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pounds."

    4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch-ain't no way out.

    5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

    6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

    7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg because you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it, is.

    9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

    10. Good places for the Blues:
    a. highway
    b. jailhouse
    c. empty bed
    d. bottom of a whiskey glass

    Bad places for the Blues:
    a. Macy's
    b. gallery openings
    c. Ivy League institutions
    d. golf courses

    11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

    12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
    a. you older than dirt
    b. you blind
    c. you shot a man in Memphis
    d. you can't be satisfied

    No, if:
    a. you have all your teeth
    b. you were once blind but now can see
    c. the man in Memphis lived
    d. you have a 401K or trust fund

    13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

    14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

    Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
    a. cheap wine
    b. whiskey or bourbon
    c. muddy water
    d. nasty black coffee

    The following are NOT Blues beverages:
    a. Perrier
    b. Chardonnay
    c. Snapple
    d. Slim Fast
    e. Starbucks Frappuccinos

    15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

    16. Some Blues names for women:
    a. Sadie
    b. Big Mama
    c. Bessie
    d. Fat River Dumpling

    17. Some Blues names for men:
    a. Joe
    b. Willie
    c. Little Willie
    d. Big Willie

    18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

    19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
    a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
    b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
    c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
    For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
    Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

    20. It doesn't matter how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. (unless, of course it's a PC and you're using Windows 98).

    Posts: 1826
    (8/27/01 4:18:02 pm)
    | Del Re: The Blues

    That is just hilarious! After reading that, who could possibly
    have the "Blues?"

    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 266
    (8/27/01 8:35:27 pm)
    | Del Re: The Blues
    Mike,,somthing like this???

    I'm Blind Lemon Nighthawk
    Waitin' for Big Mamma from St Loo
    Sippin' a glass of bourbon an' dirty water
    And I don't know what to do

    I shot a man in Memphis
    He was a-messin; with that woman a-mine
    But I blamed it on Big Momma
    And now she be the one a-doin' time

    So I is a-singin' the blues tonight
    As I'm a-drinkin' from this glass
    Cuz o'that rotten low-down dirty dog
    I ain't a-gettin' me no ----

    Stan H ,,nighthawk,,,,opppsss I mean Blind Lemon Nighthawk,,

    Posts: 562
    (8/27/01 10:08:39 pm)
    | Del
    Re: The Blues
    You got it Blind Lemon! We'll stick a band behind ya and make a million! Okay folks, Blind Lemon's shown ya how it's done. How 'bout something from Deaf Chitlin' Dreamcatcher or Lame Melon Misterstan?

    Posts: 1829
    (8/27/01 10:59:57 pm)
    | Del Re: The Blues
    Not only does da man write poetry, he writes da BLUES too!

    Good Job Nighthawk!

    Boom Boom

    Posts: 540
    (8/28/01 8:54:23 am)
    | Del Re: The Blues
    How's this?

    I'm Lame Melon Misterstan,
    come sit by me if you can.
    I will not bite you ear off,
    Some say I'm a gentle man.

    I did some time in Vietnam,
    and think about my Navy days.
    I worked with good people then,
    and miss that life in many ways.

    Today I like to sing the blues,
    I'm gettin older, so they say.
    I can't do what I used to do,
    but memories are her to stay.


    Edited by: Misterstan at: 8/28/01 9:55:20 am

    Posts: 1832
    (8/28/01 9:14:22 am)
    | Del Re: The Blues
    Awwww Mitherstan, I'm so impressed! Ya dun did us proud!!!

    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 267
    (8/28/01 2:20:37 pm)
    | Del Re: The Blues
    Misterstan does it again!!!!!!!!

    Outstanding, my man,,

    all we need is a git-tar plucker to back us up and we can go on the road,,,

    (I think my wife has told me to "hit the road" more than once,,,lol)

    Posts: 1835
    (8/28/01 2:32:52 pm)
    | Del Re: The Blues
    I think she said you partied too much with the "women in
    combat." lol!