The Complete Military History of France

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by 1952Sniper, Mar 8, 2003.

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  1. 1952Sniper

    1952Sniper New Member

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    rayra
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    (2/12/03 5:31:05 pm)
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    The Complete Military History of France
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    (from another forum)

    For you historians out there: The Complete Military History of France

    -Gallic Wars- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

    -Hundred Years War- Mostly lost, saved at last moment by schizophrenic teenaged girl, who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

    -Italian Wars- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    -Wars of Religion- France go 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    -Thirty Years War- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway, and claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring them.

    -War of Devolution- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    -The Dutch War- Tied

    -War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War- Lost, but claimed a tie. Three ties in a row induce deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

    -War of the Spanish Succession- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

    -American Revolution- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

    -French Revolution- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

    -The Napoleonic Wars- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

    -The Franco-Prussian War- Lost. Germany plays the role of drunken Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    -World War I- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

    -World War II- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Weasel Song.

    -War in Indochina- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

    -Algerian Rebellion- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    -War on Terrorism- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador but fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

    Rich


    1952Sniper
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    (2/12/03 5:36:49 pm)
    Reply | Edit Re: The Complete Military History of France
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    Quote:
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    Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
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    Dude, that is some seriously funny material.
    Macht kaputt, was euch kaputt macht!


    rayra
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    (2/12/03 5:44:14 pm)
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    Re: The Complete Military History of France
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    yup, laughed pretty hard when I found it. skimmed here to see if it had already been posted, didn't see it.

    Rich


    warpig883
    *TFF Staff*
    Posts: 6235
    (2/12/03 5:53:38 pm)
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    Re: The Complete Military History of France
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    Made me chuckle. Anybody send this to the French Embassy yet?

    ROFLMAO

    Ignorance is a crime in 49 states. In the other one it is bliss.


    Yabra Kadabra Doo
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    Posts: 187
    (2/12/03 6:05:38 pm)
    Reply Re: The Complete Military History of France
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    That's just toooo awesome!

    Don't forget all the losses to pretty much every nation in Africa after WWII.
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    My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me


    AGunguy
    *TFF Staff*
    Posts: 3369
    (2/12/03 6:58:01 pm)
    Reply Re: The Complete Military History of France
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    Water Dam good story on French history wars.

    But on the WW-1, the dough boys were not able to use condoms, seems the prudish set in America didn't want its fighting men screwing around over there in France. But they did, (without condoms) and most promptly came down with VD and brought it back home to the US as memento of viva la France.

    Seen it on the history channel, but GIs did use them with great success in WW-2 and onward up through time.

    Put a helmet on it soldier.

    GG


    Yabra Kadabra Doo
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    Posts: 188
    (2/12/03 7:34:12 pm)
    Reply Re: The Complete Military History of France
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    Our boys banged just about every chick in Europe. My grandpa was in Italy and France with Patton and he said the women just flocked to the GI's. I guess they were tired of either 1) weak, spineless men who wouldn't fight for their homeland, or 2) Krauts.

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    My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me
     
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