The saga continues ( 1 2 )

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by ruffitt, Mar 6, 2003.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. ruffitt

    ruffitt *TFF Admin Staff* In Heaven Now

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2003
    Messages:
    2,872
    Location:
    Sparta, MI / Now In Heaven Also
    BlackGun
    *TFF Staff*
    Posts: 3774
    (4/21/02 10:17:29 am)
    | Edit | Del All The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    It was a hot and stormy night in Hootersville. The streets were deserted and the only light on in the whole town were the dimly lit lanterns in the Pump House saloon. It had been a long, hot and tiring day and my throat was parched. I pulled my ole Chevy 1/2 ton truck up to the curb next to a Purple and pink flamed Harley that was inscribed on the tank, "HOG FROM HELL" As I walked up to the wooden steps to the wooden sidewalk I could hear the boards creeking under my feet. I looked into the dimly lit saloon to see who all was there. GunGuy was standing behind the bar inspecting his shot glasses for spots and ever so carefuly wiping em down to make sure each one is perfectly clean. Next to GG, on the other side of the counter, I saw Conchita wearing a red low cut V-line hoochie mamma dress trying to con LTS into sharing his half gallon of Jack Daniels with her. Further down the bar stood Bob from St Louie sipping on some of his famious Bob's Best in his traditional Pink TuTu with his dreaded dreadlocks not so tastefully hanging out and Warpig in rare form wearing nothing but a smile and his soiled red garter. Sitting on the bar in front of Piggy was a dirty, greasy half empty bottle of Capt. Morgans and a hot diet Dr. Pepper. You could faintly hear Piggy singing Kareeokie under his breath "23 bottles of rum on the wall" in rime and verse with Blow the man down. Looking across the room, sitting at one of the card tables was Mickey the Pollack AKA/Polishshooter playing a serious game of go fish. It must have been a high dollar game cuse the Pollack had one of his bown Patana Spanish Crusty Cuffler specials sitting next to his Schlitz beer. I noticed AntiqueDr sitting to Pollack Mickey's right, he was studying his cards carefully while sipping slowly on a long stemed crystal glass of Stollies Rusian Vodka, at Doc's feet was Remington the wonder dog eating a Jalapeno and cheese Kolichie! You could hear Doc say with confidence "Give me all your three's" Sitting next to AntiqueDr was the one and only Charles D. Charles D was profoundly studing his cards and trying to read the hands of the other players. While deep in thought Scharlie would utter profound words of wit and wisdom that no one understood but Scharlie. Sitting next to Charles D was a rough ole codger wearing s sleevless tank top with a burley chest a heart shaped tatoo with the inscription "Mamma" with an arrow in the middle. This fella smelt of asphalt and diesel and kept mumbling "IBTRUCKIN Varoooom Varoooom" underhis breath. Sitting next to IBTRUCKIN was the infamious Gunvise crafsman and Marketer of Smith and Wesson Mod.59's Mr. Ziggy, known to his friends as Tricky Ricky! Ziggy was leaned back in his chair sort a in a day dream looking at Brucetta twirling a pair of SS Smith & Wesson hand cuffs!

    Looking further into the room, I looked up at the ceiling and bnoticed Shooter22 hanging from the ceiling fan hollering "I see the Mothership". From out of nowhere I heard Bondai's voice hollering at Shooter22 "Where's the Plane? Can anyone tell me where the plane is?"

    As I walk into the dim room, Piggy hollers " Your table and Maria await you in the back room". I look over at GunGuy and ask "May I have a Milwalkee Best light , known as blue beer and a barvarian cream donut please!

    As I start to walk to the reserved table in the back room, a shot rang out across the room, it was..............................
    I suffer from occasional loss of mental stability, and become very violent with only slight provocation. The Veterans Administration has determined that both mental and physical harassment of my person may be hazardous to your health and well being. So stay away from my Donuts!!


    BlackGUN

    Edited by: BlackGun at: 4/21/02 1:56:34 pm

    LIKTOSHOOT
    *TFF Senior Staff*
    Posts: 4656
    (4/21/02 2:02:08 pm)
    | Edit | Del Re: The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    ........it was not a shot, but it was toooo late as the hammer fell on BG`s keenly aware and trained donuts sent-sense`s. The sharp repetitive shots were simply farts, spewed forth by the pig.......the muzzleflash from BG`s large bore kRispy kReme dozen box gun, toughed off a flashover and scorched eVery eyebrow in the saloon, as burnt hair wafted the air.....a small cry was heard from behind the bar, "fLamming pooters," dang mIscreants, you could`a blowed us to smitherenes!! BG licked the barrel of his large bore kRispy kReme dozen box gun before holstering it. "You guys watch yourselves, or you`ll all have donut holes in ya!!!" I`m back in town and we know what that means.....SHERRIFF`S~BACK!!!


    In the mean time everyone snickers under their breath, because............
    T.F.F.

    Zigzag2
    *TFF Senior Staff*
    Posts: 2996
    (4/21/02 4:48:40 pm)
    | Edit | Del Re: The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    AGunguy
    *TFF Staff*
    Posts: 1790
    (4/21/02 6:02:12 pm)
    | Edit | Del Re: The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Gunguy is cussing and muttering under his breath at his uncouth miscreant friends.

    "Dang it all to heck, now I gotta re do all these whiskey glasses you gents dirtied up with your wild shenanigans."

    Gunguy whistles for Bob's old pooch to come over behind the bar and start licking out the glasses and he begins to wipe the glassware dry once again. The hound lifts his hind leg and waters down a large box of BlackGuns donuts on a shelf under the bar.

    Gunguy smells the urine odor and tells the hound to go back over to the card game in progress. The dog looks eratated at the bartender and lets fly with one of his worm eaten flatulent attacks...which cause all in the immediate area to keel over gasping for breath.

    The dog ambles back over to the card game and just falls to the floor in its usual ungainly fashion...Ka-thud!

    Bob reaches down to pet the pooch behind the ear and deftly picks out two aces from beneath its collar.

    Antique Dr said: "Hey, I saw that..."

    GG



    Edited by: AGunguy at: 4/21/02 9:38:11 pm

    warpig883
    *TFF Staff*
    Posts: 3241
    (4/21/02 7:31:37 pm)
    | Edit | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Bob throws the table over as soon as he realizes they are onto his devilish card tricks and dives behind the upturned table. In his haste he does not see the cards polish has taped to the underside of the table and Polish deftly scoops them into his pocket.

    Antique Dr starts chasing Bob around the upturned table spanking him everytime he gets close. Of course he is spanking him with a lavishly decorated foot long whip that is made from Bob's own braided dreadlocks.

    Warpig is chucking at the circus oblivious to the fact that the small explosion singed all the hair of his oh so visible hard,muscular body. He hears Shooter22 whizzing around on the ceiling fan and thinks he would gladly trade the soiled red garter to go for a ride on that contraption.

    Polishshoter has now scooped up all the money and is arm in arm with Brucette on their way out the back door when Gunguy stops them both with a couple well aimed shot glasses. Ysacres hurries over and uses Brucette's handcuffs to shackle the two together.

    Charlie D. looks towards the door and says
    "Will
    onesome out
    go and off shut
    that truck danged or
    ever what is running out
    there. It is so loud I can hardly think of
    what I am hearing."

    Ib just goes vroom vroom a little louder and starts playing with his shifter.




    I'm a man of means by no means

    shooter22
    *TFF Staff*
    Posts: 1014
    (4/21/02 8:06:59 pm)
    | Edit | Del Re: The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Shooter22 says, "Hey, BG, shoot me a couple glazed and a lemon filled, both laced with Bob's Best, I'm gettin' too dizzy to get down, besides, you can see down the ladies shirts from here."


    ysacres
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 246
    (4/21/02 9:27:58 pm)
    | Edit | Del Re: The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    With polish and Brucette cufed to the bar stool with a shot glass of bobs beteween them and trying franticaly to wet their whisle. LTS busts through the swinging doors of the pumphouse to shut the enigne off on the Hog From Hell so Charley D can here the comoition about bobs old pooch who is attempting to eat the Barvarian cream donut that came out of the KRispy KReam box gun. warpig who had the Model 59 concealed under his duster, draws down on the mutt and yells DROP THE DONUT.....

    Y's Acres Farms

    Different name
    *TFF Staff*
    Posts: 1735
    (4/21/02 10:55:42 pm)
    | Edit | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Unbeknowns ta warpig wuz tha fact that, the "POOCH" wuz frum a breed of TEXAS Typa hoochie poochies who confined themselves to bar room areas varying from15 to 150 feet in size, in which other donut eatin POOCHES are not tolerated. This POOCH had become Accustomed to patroling his territory --- leaving calling cards of scent mixed with urine in tha spitoons and on clean mirrors strung about tha bar room. This of course meant ta discourage other animals frum entering his'ns territory!
    UPON hearin tha distinct "DROP THAT DONUT", POOCHIE takes up a concentrated and trained demeanor thet is assumed when thereupon challenged in tha presence of a Bavarian cream typa donut, --- immediately his mind focused on two things he must do with skill!
    He first, noticed that Warpig's wuz wearin string thongs divided large hardened buttocks, leotards span flat, firm stomach, and his little white arms dangled like Virginia slims.
    The second thing he noticed is that everyone had a spot in tha bar. Thar wer no lines drawn, no reserved spaces, and no permits issued to be uh eatin donuts issued, but sum how everywun wuz marching his way toward tha bar and seem redy ta defend him to tha death.
    Actually, the idea of joining tha crowd in tha bar never
    conjured thots of bein challenged by potbellied lookin oversized
    speed skater doubled overe like collapsible tray tables, with spandex thighs, wearin boots with glass spurs.... Mostly, appeared that they could support a bridge.
    Quickly he said, "I canfix that, my muscles need just a little toning."
    Now, if the Bar room had been a ship, it would have sunk before "Nearer My God to Thee" Wuz bein hummed by a quartet in frunt of tha bar --- everyone jammed closely to tha huge Bar. He saw one stool left and put his body on it.
    Everyone stopped talking.
    "What?" he asked.
    "You're in TLynn's spot."
    "Who's TLynn?"
    "She'll be here, And she won't be happy if you're on her stool."
    "How do you know it's TLynn's stool?"
    "Passion."
    "Passion?"
    "Liz Taylor's Passion. Mine is scented with Opium, Ms Beast
    is Eternity, and Fred Neck's is Nina Ricci."
    "Then I'll move over a couple of stools."
    "That stool belongs ta LTS. It's subtle, but its a bubble gum scent."
    "Now just a minute pleez, I didn't know ya cud own uh stool."
    "You're wrong."
    "Does tha turm 'a seal in mating season' have any meaning for you?"
    He picked up his leash and headed for tha first stool at the uther end of tha bar...murmurring he had learned as all had to do to get a spot and uh parkin place at tha hitchin post in front of tha Pumphouse Saloon the old fashioned way --- you fight fer em. After all, there were a few who left thuh Bar room and have their stool reach hall-of-fame status.
    Suddenly, with a high pitched shout, Cointoss2 whipped out
    his trusty 1911 and says ta tha word whipped stool steelin POOCH, stand down frum thet stool and................
    Tha Pumphouse went a quiet as pedofile at confession...
    Charlie D
    Fleas were jumpin in everi
    directuns......








    Edited by: Different name at: 4/22/02 10:34:19 am

    warpig883
    *TFF Staff*
    Posts: 3252
    (4/22/02 4:50:17 am)
    | Edit | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The hootchie pootchie flicks his paw faster than a Miscreant could see and the leash flies out like a bullwhip and grabs the .45 from Cointoss' hand.

    Cointoss humbly sat down and pulled a hunk of bubble gum from under LTS barstoll and started chompin'

    The hoochie poochie looks around and growls "Alright who is driving the pacer hooked up to that new Astra ski boat"?

    Bob scurries behind the upturned table
    I'm a man of means by no means

    AGunguy
    *TFF Staff*
    Posts: 1796
    (4/22/02 10:10:05 am)
    | Edit | Del Re: The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Warpig growls: "Shucks! I didn't want to set down on that barstool anyway...someone left a barstool sample on it and some on the floor also. OK, who ain't potty trained in here?"

    About a dozen hands and one paw goes up.

    Warpig whips out a large bag of Depends and begins passing them out to the miscreants. Then grumbles as he realizes he'll have to help the poochie with his being put on.

    ibtrucken stands up from going voroom voroom and says..."Look out, smokey's in the hen house setten on the roost!" Then sets back down at the card table as he down shifts his rig to a slower pace.

    GG

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 4/22/02 8:33:37 pm

    shooter22
    *TFF Staff*
    Posts: 1021
    (4/22/02 9:12:32 pm)
    | Edit | Del Re: The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Donuts!, Damn it!, I need Donuts! Iffin' I don't get some gut bombs, I'm gunna tell the mothership to go back without delivering the ingrediants for BOb's best!

    Also, try and get a girlie or two up on this fan, we need to balance it out.

    Oh, also, someone switch the fan direction, I'm still getting dizzy.


    TallTLynn
    *TFF Senior Staff*
    Posts: 3772
    (4/22/02 10:46:16 pm)
    | Edit | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    All of a sudden a gust of wind blows through the place...a stillness follows and everyone turns towards the swinging doors! Bamm - the doors fly open and in walks a dusty, hardened person. Everyone is straining through the dim light to see if they might know this stranger coming through the door.

    LTS shoots upright and says - damn TLynn has arrived - everybody hide yoiur Enfields or she'll take them from you dead or alive!

    TLynn walks up to the bar - and says get out of my chair now you dang dog before you lose your balls - and points her trusty No 4 Mark I Enfield at his balls! As the rusty dog leaves her seat he says - please honey don't shoot me I'm harmless just ask BlackGun who keeps kicking me day and night.

    TLynn sits at the bar and says "Bartender - get your dang ass down here and start serving the regulars right fricking NOW!" The bartender is quaking in his boots as T levers her trusty, rusty .303 at him dead center mass. "Drinks on the house" says TLynn and everyone gives a chear.

    In the meantime, slithering in the corner and trying to sneak out is Polishshooter with his lady of choice. All of a sudden a shout rings out....

    ysacres
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 249
    (4/22/02 11:35:39 pm)
    | Edit | Del Re: The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The pumphouse bar maid known by all the miserable miscreants as the tallest T this side of Texas strolled over and fliped the switch to run the ceilling fan counterclockwise, Shooter already about to puke his donuts from spinning at what ibtruckin would call over rev. At this point charley D and gunguy take a peek out from under the table and notice the Ace of Spades stuck to the underside with a piece of pink gum, gunguy yells Y U dirty no good flea bitten varmit yous bein cheatin again, Y I ot'a .....just then 6 shots rang outa the S&W 38 special, a bullet richoches off the table and into a keg of the finest Bob's best brew, the cork blows and spurts suds on the hoochie poochie who proceeds to lap up the brown mixture off the floor. Tallest T cant see through the thick smoke but hears the 6 empty 38 cases hit the floor as the shooter reloads the model 59 revolver.................

    Y's Acres Farms

    AGunguy
    *TFF Staff*
    Posts: 1804
    (4/23/02 7:09:30 am)
    | Edit | Del Re: The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Jee, I gotta get me one of them model 59 revolvers, mines only a model 10 from a 1945 vintage.

    GG

    warpig883
    *TFF Staff*
    Posts: 3261
    (4/23/02 8:17:59 am)
    | Edit | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: The saga continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    After emptying his tRusty revolver Shooter hollers out
    //
    )))
    \\





    I'm a man of means by no means

    Edited by: warpig883 at: 4/23/02 9:21:11 am

    280freak
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 663
    (4/23/02 9:05:47 am)
    | Edit | Del The Saga Continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I've heard that those hoochie poochies are real dogs!


    AGunguy
    *TFF Staff*
    Posts: 1808
    (4/23/02 12:34:15 pm)
    | Edit | Del Re: The Saga Continues
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Well, the girls that work here ain't no pussy cats...they be dogs too...woof woof!
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.