Vasectomy Story

Discussion in 'The Beau Coupe Dien Cai Dau Hootch' started by berto64, Feb 28, 2007.

  1. berto64

    berto64 Active Member

    Jan 31, 2001
    Owyhee County, Idaho
    Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

    Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST

    I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

    I got a vasectomy.

    I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

    I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

    We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

    Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

    At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

    So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

    Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

    It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

    I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

    She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

    Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

    I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

    I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

    I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

    Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

    I continue. "I am sterile"

    Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of ****. You're trapped and you know it."

    I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

    This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

    I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

    I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

    I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

    Epilogue -

    I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

    The Moral of the Story -

    Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
  2. Deputy Dawg

    Deputy Dawg Active Member

    Aug 11, 2005
    Central Texas Gulf Coast

  3. Nighthawk

    Nighthawk New Member

    Aug 22, 2006
    South Central Texas
  4. The Rifleman

    The Rifleman Former Guest

    Feb 1, 2007
    Now what does this have to do with Vietnam?

    My Uncle once told me - that if you are dumb enough to stick it in them. They are smart enough to pull it back out of You.

    If you loved the girl and was not just using her for sex, what does it matter, who the father is?

    If you knew that she was a total POS, then you should not have had any further contact with the woman and just moved on.

    If you had made any promises to that woman. There are still laws on the books that she could have used against you.

    Breech of Promise; is one of them that is still applicatable in the State of Pennsylvania.

    All she would have had to do that last night was scream RAPE and you would have been screwed.

    It wouldn't have mattered what kind of blanks you were shooting.

    My rule of thumb is - if I wouldn't marry her.. I wouldn't screw her either!

    I already have one little girl (12) that is mad at me for the rest of my life and I will never make a second one under the same circumstances.
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2007
  5. berto64

    berto64 Active Member

    Jan 31, 2001
    Owyhee County, Idaho
    Now that everyone has had their moment of selfrightousness let me point out that this is the joke forum for VMBB.

    Please, before you run me out of town on a rail, try to understand that this was a tongue in cheek fictitious tale.

    I, personally have never had a vasectomy nor do I care to. (too late now anyway) My children would attest to the fact I have never been snipped.

    I do indeed feel sorry for those of you who cannot recognize a joke when it bites you on the nose.
  6. Bruce FLinch

    Bruce FLinch New Member

    Aug 27, 2005
    Bay Point, Kali..aka Gun Point
    Good Advice! Joke or...not! :D
  7. Pat Hurley

    Pat Hurley Former Guest

    Sep 30, 2006
    Naples, Florida

    Dear Berto:

    That was a fantastic story! Loved every twist and turn. Thank you for sharing - it made my day.
  8. catfish83861

    catfish83861 Active Member

    Nov 15, 2006
    North Idaho
    Berto, Great story,but the joke forum:confused: :confused: ?? Maybe the joke is on you after all.:D Its still a great story. catfish
  9. berto64

    berto64 Active Member

    Jan 31, 2001
    Owyhee County, Idaho
    Well KatPhish,

    The joke was on her! Dontcha think? Derned scheming female.
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