You Might Be Army If.....

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    (8/6/01 8:49:23 pm)
    | Del All You Might Be Army If.....

    This is kinda long but maybe some of you Army types will understand some of the entries...Fwd to me by an Army friend...

    You Might Be In The Army If...

    You think beer is one of the four basic food groups.
    You pronounce "sergeant" like "sarn't".
    You have a difficult time coming up with sentences you have not previously
    heard someone else utter.
    You think your whiny complaints are both new and insightful.
    Your monthly paycheck is smaller than the average welfare payment.
    Your life is lived only in the present with no thought of the future (kind of
    like children, dogs, and paramecium.)
    You think marriage is a part-time job and adultery a tag-team sport.
    You spend half of your day sitting on your bum waiting for:
    supplies and/or equipment
    other inconsiderate people
    Your high-tech equipment looks like it was used against Mussolini.
    You have nothing better to do than to gossip about and backstab your fellow
    You can wax and buff like a veteran janitor.
    You were a:
    juvenile delinquent
    hairdresser (females only)
    college screw up
    small towner from Hicksville, USA
    Marine reject
    You can't spell or read aloud.
    You use acronyms in a social setting.
    Your average meal looks like it came out of the north end of a south-bound
    moose. (SPC Joseph Harris)
    The thought of buying a new pair of boots makes you perspire in excitement.
    You are able to say things like, "We must tactically maneuver these HMMWV's
    to the north side of the motor vehicle holding area at 0800 hours" with a
    straight face.
    You compulsively walk in step with your companions.
    You think Jean-Luc Picard needs a haircut.
    You think Beavis and Butthead are the funniest thing on television.
    You give your last four before ordering your Big Mac. (PFC Childs)
    You know every tattoo artist within a 20 mile radius by his or her first
    The sight of a nifty drawing makes you itch to call the above.
    You look at an approaching individual's collar or cap before you even glance
    at their face. (PFC Jedediah Easterbrook)
    You are familiar with every product Kiwi makes.
    You think "Hooah" might just be a real word.
    Your boss says things like,"You will be there and have fun. That's an order."
    You dream in OD Green.
    You climb out of your couch and salute when they play the National Anthem on
    You spend half of your time feeling superior to civilians and the other half
    wishing you were one of them.
    The first words you learn in a foreign country are all variations on "beer"
    and "alcohol".
    All of your medical ills are solved with Motrin or Penicillin.
    The word "Gas" makes you reach for a mask instead of a Mylanta.
    It is faster to note the parts of your "company car" that DON'T leak than it
    is to count the parts that DO.
    There is more starch on your uniform than there is in your diet.
    You have to restrain yourself from spraying Niagara on your Fruit of the
    You cried when Mom called and told you that she threw away all your old GI
    Joe figures and comics.
    You were the product of a dysfunctional family that YOU thought was perfectly
    It is nearly impossible for you to cheat on your income tax return.
    You have discovered that life can be narrowed down to three basic needs:
    You are required by a federal regulation to pull your wool socks all the way
    up to your armpits.
    You must wait six months and fill out 5 separate forms to get toilet paper
    for your bathroom.
    You suspect that your uniform and boots could probably stand at attention
    without you in them.
    Your skull retains the shape of your BDU cap even after you've taken your
    headgear off.
    You must wait 2 months for a bonus to show up on your paycheck, but only 2
    hours for a deduction to be taken.
    You spend an irrational amount of time wondering what everyone is saying
    about you when you leave the room.
    Your spare tire sits around your waistline, and not in your trunk.
    All of your paperwork must pass through about 10 middlemen, each one more
    anal retentive, absent-minded and obstructive than the next.
    You give your kids counseling statements for failing to clean their rooms.
    You know that "guidon" refers to a unit's flag, not an underarm deodorant.
    You turn on your headlights during the day and shut them off at night. (SPC
    Robert Scheffler)
    The troops at Valley Forge probably had better tents than you.
    MREs are no longer interesting innovations, but evil little instruments of
    torture to be avoided at all costs.
    You know what "Butterbar" means and revel in using it
    You're mental prowess is determined by your ability to walk and sing at the
    same time
    You can build your own satellite out of nothing more than
    1 Roll of hundred mile an hour tape
    2 garbage bags
    1 box of paper clips
    1 tent pole
    "Efficient" means using 10 soldiers to put up one wall map.
    You speak of the Air Force with equal parts envy and disdain.
    You still try to find ingenious ways to get to your email while living in a
    leaky tent in the middle of a forest.
    You actually succeed in accomplishing the above.
    You actually had to PAY someone to give you that Kojack hairdo at basic
    training. (PFC Sara Farrant)
    Everything you say is a potential EO complaint. (PFC Sara Farrant)
    A Burger King value meal is a gourmet treat. (PFC Sara Farrant)
    Promotions leave you with a bleeding forehead and collarbone.
    You can refuse a drug test, but will be legally punished for doing so.
    You can get kicked out of an oral interview/exam (ie board) for walking in
    the wrong way.
    You are 35 years old and still don't have a credit card.
    You learn you are deploying to Saudi from CNN two days before you hear it
    from your chain of command.
    You praise and bless the Port-a-Potty man regularly. (PFC Sara Farrant)
    You look like a walking, talking, camouflage garbage bag on rainy days.
    You are nicknamed things like "Chock Block", "Small Round", "Pogy Bait", or
    (of course) "Radar" (PFC Sara Farrant)
    Your vehicle looks dirtier after you've washed it than it did before you
    You get stuff like "Walk the line" and "Stay Alert, Stay Alive" when playing
    Pictionary with your Army buddies (PFC Sara Farrant)
    You think camouflage works in urban settings. (PFC Sara Farrant)
    It takes 9 hours to get TO the site of your field exercise, but only 2 hours
    to make it BACK. (PFC Sara Farrant on Army Physics)
    The thought of your colleagues armed with live rounds fills you with equal
    amounts of fear and panic.
    You could not tell the difference between Communism and your daily life when
    you looked up the word in your copy of Webster's Illustrated Dictionary for
    Young Readers.
    Your chain of command arranges to televise the Super Bowl via satellite in
    the field--in order to avoid mass rioting.
    A sudden increase in your unit's budget makes you wonder if you should look
    into extra life insurance.
    You are required to obey the orders of a scrubby kid half your age who only
    wears BDUs now because his/her parents didn't want to pay for his/her college
    You tie yourself into grammatical knots when you try to engage in
    intellectual debate with others.
    You can admit to using any of the following words/phrases within the past
    "squared away"
    "#*(@&! up!" (Fill in the expletive)
    Your S-3 is TOO in love with Microsoft Power Point presentations--not to
    mention their own voices.
    You are permitted to use "deadly force", but prohibited from firing a few
    "warning shots" while on guard duty.
    Your daily cologne is known as "Diesel--For the Soldier in All of Us"
    Your living conditions in the field are better than the ones you put up with
    in the rear.
    The entire cast of "ER" couldn't make your (overstarched) summer uniform
    You know that the "H" in the 7 Army Values really stands for "Hurry up and
    wait." (PFC McCubbin, 32d Sig Bn)
    You know what the acronym "ATFU" means. ("Ate The #@&# Up") (PFC McCubbin)
    All of your off-duty clothing has Nike, Tommy Hilfiger, FUBU, or JNCO
    embroidered, stencilled, or otherwise emblazoned upon it.
    (Males) You *know* that the female foreign nationals that hang around the
    barracks at your overseas duty station are only after an ID card, but you
    continue to chase them anyway.
    (Females) You are positively catty towards every new female that arrives in
    your unit if she is:
    Under the age of 40
    More attractive than you are
    Even slightly talented
    Not overtly lesbian
    (Males) Most *American* women living close enough to military installations
    to recognize a servicemember when they see one would rather give their phone
    numbers to a migrant farm worker than to you.
    You wish they still served beer during lunch in the mess hall.
    Your kids put hospital corners on their Barbie doll beds.
    A squeeze pouch of MRE Jalepeno Cheese Spread is your idea of heaven.
    When relating the dialogue of an argument to your buddies, you are tempted to
    start it off with, "And I replied with a whole lot of anger..."
    You have polypro or Gortex everything.
    You brag about being on Percoset.
    Your promotion prospects hinge entirely on your ability to:
    Shoot at a sheet of paper
    Answer a slew of nitpicky questions regarding some of the most boring topics
    known to man
    Send your clothes to a dry cleaner
    (The following section comes from an email forwarded to me entitled "You
    Might Be a Soldier If")

    The day after payday you realize you've spent half of your earnings on
    "champagne" for a woman who speaks broken english and pretends to be
    interested in your war stories....
    Instead of a gold chain around your neck, you've got a stainless steel one
    threaded through a P38.
    Your street addresses have been Infantry Blvd, Howitzer Lane and Helmet
    Your wife responds to "hooah" and understands what it means regardless of the
    context you present it in.
    When in a strange place and needing a restroom, you ask where the latrine is.
    When you go camping, you first check for possible avenues of approach and
    good fields of fire before setting up your tent.
    You ridicule other campers for setting up downwind and down slope of the
    You're the only one that doesn't complain about having to stand and eat at
    the same time at parties.
    When you're stopped by police for speeding, you give the excuse that you've
    just returned from Germany where there are no speed limits.
    You're always conscious of your per diem spending limit when in a nightclub
    on TDY.
    You've ever used your poncho-liner as a bedspread.
    You have a bottle of Tabasco sauce ready for every meal.
    You still have an urge to line up your shoes under your bed.
    Either you or your spouse have a least one pair of camouflage underwear.
    You've ever answered the phone at home like the CQ.
    The only time you and the wife eat without the kids is at the unit "dining
    You always back into parking spaces.
    You have to lookup your Parents phone number, but can dial the CQ, SDNCO,
    company, battalion and brigade with no problem at all.
    Each page of your vacation atlas has two routes marked.
    Your favorite author is Harold Coyle, Mike Malone, or Tom Clancy.
    When your kids are too noisy, you announce "at ease!"
    You don't own any blue ink pens.
    Your leave always occurs during the last week of September.
    You keep a box of MREs at home and in the trunk of your car in case of
    When talking to relatives by phone, you end the conversation with "out here."
    You refer to your spouse as "Household 6" or CINC House."
    You've seen Patton enough times to memorize his speech.
    CNN is your favorite program.
    You call the Post Locator instead of Information to find your friends
    You take the family camping with no tent or sleeping bags.
    Your kids can speak three languages by age eight.
    The only suit you own is your Class A uniform.
    You carry your pager to the shower.
    Your vehicle is registered on post and in two different states.
    You convince your wife that all ten of your guns are necessary for home
    You have more money invested in TA-50 than in your car.
    You tell your kids to go to bed at 2100 and they try to explain that its only
    nine o'clock.
    The allotment column of your LES has more entries than the entitlement
    No one understands the stories you tell because of all the acronyms.
    You can explain the Gettysburg battlefield better than directions to your
    Your kids know the words to "she wore a yellow ribbon."
    Your two-year old calls everyone in BDUs "daddy".
    The phone book lists your rank instead of Mr.
    Your spouse hasn't unpacked the good china for twenty years.
    Your monthly BAS goes to the mess hall.
    You ruin the movie for everyone around you by pointing out the unrealistic
    military scenes.
    You live on post so you can hear reveille every morning.
    Your family calls you "Sir."
    All your jokes begin with "there was this soldier, a marine and an airman..."
    You understood and related to the above list!!!!!

    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 193
    (8/6/01 10:37:56 pm)
    | Del Re: You Might Be Army If.....
    I must be "Guilty as Charged!"

    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 159
    (8/7/01 8:18:32 am)
    | Del Re: You Might Be Army If.....
    Oh good God.......

    my life just flashed across my eyes!!!!! (LOL)

    very good....thanks


    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 485
    (8/7/01 10:40:25 am)
    | Del Re: You Might Be Army If.....
    Good one, Larry D.!

    Even I can relate to a few of those.


    Posts: 473
    (8/7/01 1:12:16 pm)
    | Del Re: You Might Be Army If.....
    This really happened when my wife and I went to see Pearl Harbor with some friends. (Especially Navy scenes).

    You ruin the movie for everyone around you by pointing out the unrealistic military scenes.

    Good stuff...

    Stan Lambert
    St. Clair Shores, Michigan

    Posts: 1387
    (8/8/01 7:20:45 am)
    | Del Re: You Might Be Army If.....
    With ya Hawk!, sounds alot like my Arty-15 at Ft Bragg.
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    Posts: 7
    (8/14/01 6:59:04 pm)
    | Del
    Re: You Might Be Army If.....
    How did you guys know I had all that hot sauce in my cupboard? I guess I'm guilty on almost all counts.
    Endeaver to Persevere

    Posts: 1435
    (8/15/01 5:46:38 am)
    | Del Re: You Might Be Army If.....
    Pssst! Berto! Ol Stan and Indy have these mouses in their pockets see and they do this recon and then...
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.